A New Hope

I have a new hope. I look forward to a new year with blessings unimaginable. I am so thankful for all of you fellow bloggers whose dreams were realized this year. May God continue to bless you.

For all of us waiting for dreams yet to be realized may God grant us strength,determination, and mostly a heart full of unwavering hope.

The end of this year brings unexpected sadness with the passing of my grandmother. She was my nurturer, my mother in many ways. I will miss her more than I can put into words. In many ways, I now have an angel in heaven watching over us.

May this year be one filled with peace, love, and babies! God Bless You All!

All I Want For Christmas...

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment for bloodwork and sono. I should also be starting Lu*pron soon...maybe tomorrow.

Tonight it hit me that we have done this more times than I wish to talk about.
Tonight it hit me while I was cooking dinner that we are about to get on this rollercoaster again. I started to cry and cry because the truth is I'm scared. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I'm so scared of going through the disappointment, the heartache, the mourning.

On Friday night, I went out with some of my girlfriends one of which happens to be 38 weeks pregnant. I skipped out on her baby shower a month ago with a good excuse--it was my niece's birthday. I was so relieved when I found out the date conflicted with a family event because then I could avoid any and all feelings that come up at those events. My friend is so sweet, though. I couldn't help but be happy for her. As we ate dinner I watched her swollen belly as she complained about how "fat" she was getting. I told her she was not fat. I'd give anything to have that problem.
At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby hiccupping. I was like, "yeah!!" I know I must sound so corny or desperate or all of the above but it was so amazing. Not surprisingly,I am in awe with the whole concept of pregnancy. That connection...the idea of having a tiny being growing inside of you...there are no words to describe how I long to feel and experience that bond.

The truth of the matter is that I think I've come a long way from not being able to be happy for others who were expecting. It was good to see her despite the tugging at my heart. I am happy for her.

In the meantime, here we are again. My husband said that I need to take it one day at a time. I agree with him but it seems to get harder when you've been on this side of the road...you know the speedbumps up ahead...you know the hazard lanes...you know the dead end all too well.

I have nothing but faith and hope that our dreams are in God's hands. What will be, will be meant to be.

Gearing Up To Try Once More

Starting over...seems to be an idea we are all familiar with.

I am gearing up to start a new protocol Microdose Lu*pron. First cycle we did the long lup*ron, 2nd was the flare protocol. My RE asked me what I thought about going on lu*pron again. At the end of it all, even though I was over supressed I still produced two embies. I will be starting lu*pron on the 13th.

I have a spirit of complete and utter surrender. I know and understand that I cannot control any aspect of this besides the injections which ironically we consider to be the best part. I've accepted this and really feel that when we are meant to be pregnant we will be. My times are in God's hands.

I also know that I want to be positive and remain as positive as I can. We do what we can and leave the rest in God's hands.

In the meantime I began acupuncture about a month ago. I was hesistant to introduce more needles in my life but I actually love it. It is very relaxing. I also am taking Chinese herbs that look and taste like dirt. My attitude was sure I'll try it because....why not? I've got nothing to lose.

For now...more waiting.

There is a level of faith where you get what you want and you praise God but it takes a whole other level of faith to not get what you want and still praise God!

I'm still believing. I remain hopeful.

The ups and downs

Today I feel a little sad. Heartbroken. I find myself fazing out and staring out into nothing. I'm sad. I guess it goes without saying that there are days like this...where it's hard to see when we will get to the other side.

I want to skip all of this and get to the part where we are holding our miracle baby. I am believing that it will happen. It's so hard to wait.

Last night I had a dream that I was around all of these children in a playground. All the children were playing and laughing around me. Some of them were smiling at me. I don't know who they all were and why they were standing around me but all I knew was that I had this beautiful belly.I looked down and the realization of this filled my heart with such emotion. In my dream I realized that I was pregnant and that all of those children also knew I was pregnant. In my dream, my biggest, sweetest dream had come true. It made me fill up with gratitude and happiness. It was such an emotional dream...the kind where you wake up shaken by it. It was special.


I woke up to a sad feeling. I am crying as I post this but its the first time I've cried in a couple of days. It comes and goes.

My husband has been so incredible. I am so grateful to have him to go through this with. He is doing everything he can to occupy his thoughts and time. We do what we can.

We believe our day will come. For right now, we are both somber. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

It Takes a Little Time

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support. We are taking each day at a time. I haven't cried in the last 3 days. That's good, I guess.

We had our follow consult with Dr. Hope yesterday. I had a lot of questions and concerns about where to go from here. She continues to think we should keep trying because of my age. She reiterated the fact that our clinic does not cancel cycles which I'm so very grateful for. Despite everything we were still glad that we got a chance at trying even if we only had 1 embryo.

The conclusion is that although our embryos are getting high grade and are dividing nicely there seems to be something "chromosomally abnormal" with them. This may be due to the fact that we are dealing with male factor infertility as well. We can't know for sure but the way it was described is that these embryos if they were "normal" should have implanted. The fact that they are not is indicative of something not being right.

We are currently looking for second and third opinions. We are lucky enough to live in NY where there are prestigious and respected hospitals available. So I contacted one in particular and was not given an appointment until they could verify my insurance coverage. Is there something wrong with this picture? I haven't and wasnt' able to make an appointment yet. I'm still waiting for a confirmation phone call. Nice.

We keep going back and forth as to whether we want to stay in our clinic or go elsewhere. I like Dr. Hope. She is candid, honest, and I really think she is rooting for us. Most importantly though she seems to be hopeful that we can get pregnant, if nothing else but my age. I appreciate her optimism.

Right now we are trying to weigh our options and take some time to recover from this. In all reality, our favorite time is when we are cycling. The dreaded shots are the anticipated shots because it's the only thing we can do or have control over.

We are waiting once again.

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise on the wings of eagles. They will walk and not be weary. They will run and not be faint.

When will our day come?

Nothing new...just this old familiar heart breaking deep sadness. Our beta was negative.

I don't have much to say except that my heart is breaking. On Saturday, my husband woke up with this restless feeling. I told him earlier in the week that I felt my period coming so we were trying to mentally prepare. This didn't make it easier really. How do you make a heart break quietly? So Saturday, I watched the man I love break down crying in my arms. Crying out of frustration and anger and sadness. My heart couldn't take it. I just hurt for him.

This sucks. We found out that besides my 2 eggs all of the other 3-4 follicles were empty. Why?, I asked. Dr. Hope didn't know but this is something they usually see in someone who is much older. Oh, that's not good, I said. Then I proceeded to cry.

Can this be? Can my body be holding me back from our dreams?

The hardest part was talking to Dr. Hope during my lunch hour. By the way, I was crying while my student teacher walked in. I had to explain why I was a blubbering mess and told her "I'm sorry this shouldn't be part of your student teaching experience." I had to gather myself and teach 20 little 2nd graders a math lesson when all I wanted to do was hug my husband and cry. I had a numbing drive home.

We have a follow-up appointment on Thursday. Hopefully, we'll have more answers...reassurance...a plan.

I wish I could put my emotions aside while doing IVF. I would be a machine and chug along...but I can't and this is becoming emotionally taxing.

How much longer? How many more tries? When will our dream come true?

This pain...you wouldn't wish it on anyone. This longing...is unbearable. This dream...seems unreachable at times.

When will our day come?

My Husband

October 24th...a regular day to some but the most special day to me.

It is my husband's birthday. My beautiful, loving, patient, thoughtful husband. When I think of everything we've been through together, it makes me want to cry.

I am so grateful to share my life with such an amazing person. I thank God everyday for the gift I found in you. I love you, baby!

On Bed Rest and Feeling Grateful

I'm on bed rest now. Transfer went well. We have another "great embryo." My RE said that he wishes he had more embryos to transfer but if there was an embryo to transfer this is what he'd want it to look like. I didn't ask specifically what the grade is or how many cells there are.

I am resting and trying to keep positive. The way I'm looking at it is that I have about the same chances as any woman would have in any pregnancy. One embryo to attach. One embryo. My husband and I feel incredibly grateful that we got another chance at this.

I continue to trust that God is in control and what is meant to happen will happen. My beta is on November 1. I'm sure from now up till then there will be moments of doubt and moments of hopefulness. I'm ready for the ride. I know and believe that someday it will all be worth it. This hardship will seem so small in comparison to the gift we will receive. My husband and I will be parents soon. I feel it in my bones. Our breakthrough is coming soon. We just need to keep keepin' on.

Thank you for all of the supportive comments and for your encouraging words. I feel grateful to know that there are women who know exactly what this is like. Thank you!

So here we are...

My retrieval date was on Sunday. We were excited because we had 5-7 follicles. Some seemed to be more mature than others. Last time we only had 3 follicles in total. One ended up being a cyst or something. But out of those 2 we got two beautiful grade AA and AB embies.

This time when I woke up from retrieval we found out that out of the 5-7 follicles only 2 were retrieved. I was disappointed but I was hoping that it'd be like the last time. I don't produce many eggs but the ones I have are of good quality.

When I called for our fertilization report yesterday they told us that only 1 of the 2 eggs were mature.

We are left with 1 embryo. One hope. Another chance to become parents.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed.

I don't understand this. I don't understand infertility. I've always been the kind of patient that goes to the doctor and is given a clean bill of health. I'm always considered to have above average health. I am 28 years old. I weigh about 112 pounds. I watch what I eat. I exercise.

I feel like I have such a chip on my shoulder. Like my body is failing me. My ovaries are not behaving like a 28 year old's should. This is the first time in my life that I want something so bad but have absolutely no control in making it happen. It is such a helpless feeling.

I just feel so tired of being heartbroken...of crying all of these tears. I'm so tired of longing for this. How many times should I put my body through this?

I'm taking 2 days off from work and I feel so relieved mostly because I've walking around with a fascade and I feel like a shell of myself. At least when I'm at home I can be real. No one knows we are doing this so I am leaning on God, my husband, and my best friend for support.

I couldn't help it but after the retrieval all I kept thinking about is moving on to the next step which is potentially using egg donors. I am at peace with this possibility if it means we can be parents.

I don't want to jump the gun because I'd like to do the recommended 3 cycles. I guess the quality of our embryo will give us a clearer direction...but somehow it feels good to have a plan.

When will our day finally come?

For now I will do everything and anything I need to, to keep this embie happy and comfortable. Someone in a couple of blogs mentioned pineapples. I will be eating many of them.

Please pray for us. Thank you for your support.

Triggered and Ready to Go

Tonight my husband gave me my trigger shot. I will go in tomorrow for bloodwork and sonogram.

My ovaries are ready to pop. I feel very sore and uncomfortable so when we got the call that we could trigger tonight I danced a little jig and was excited. One step closer...

We stimmed for 14 days (I know--crazy, huh?) My RE said something funny yesterday. He said "At this rate, you should be ready by Thanksgiving." It's funny! I don't care though cause slow and steady wins the race. Whoever created that phrase had my situation in mind.

The flare protocol seems to have been more effective. I can't tell you how many follicles I have, what my E2 levels are or any other technical thing I worried about last time.

That's how I wanted to embark on this cycle. I made the decision that for me when I knew too much, I worried too much. Why worry about something I have no control over. Instead this time around I have given my dream up to God. I just know that when it is God's time it will happen for us.

Getting to this point has been no small feat. It has taken me a while to not only accept this as our reality but in many ways embrace it so that I may learn something about myself, my husband, my faith. I'm glad I did because I can honestly say that I am a stronger woman because of this. I have learned that our dream is also our loved ones' dream. We feel very blessed to have so many people praying and hoping right along with us.

I am changed because of this reality and revelation.

On a lighter note this morning during our routine visit Dr. Hope came in and checked on my follies. He was silent while he printed out the sonogram photos. I asked him if things were good and he said, Yes things look much better than last time. My heart jumped and I turned and smiled at my husband. At that instant the radio started playing some James Brown "I feel good, dididididididi, I knew that I would..." It was hilarious!! Just another moment that proves that God has an awesome sense of humor!

Prayer Requests

I haven't really blogged because I have felt it important this time around to be more private. It's helped me to turn to God more and helped me stay away from googling every experience and question.

No one knows we are going through IVF again. We need prayers and support so if you happen to come across my blog today I ask that you please say a little prayer for us.

We had an early morning appointment this morning and found that we have 5-6 follicles. One is at 17mm the others are at 12mm & 10mm. This is day 10 of stimms. We knew that we would be stimming longer so we are just waiting for our follies to grow.

I am staying positive and believing that God is in control.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 4:6-7

Thank you for your prayers!

Feeling at Peace

Tomorrow will be day 5 on stims. I have a peace I can't really describe except to say that I know that this cycle and our dreams are in God's hands. I am believing and trusting that God's will be done.

I have this promise in my heart. This longing to be a mother that was placed there by God. I also am trusting that God will bless us with our long awaited miracle.

I have this scripture that I keep telling myself and reminding myself of:

Romans 8: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:31 What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I started this blog to be able to chronicle this experience and be able to gain strength and hope from others who are going through this infertility journey. I hope tonight that I may be able to give a little bit of that hope and faith through God's word. Never give up!

My Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. I only have one wish. I pray and am believing that it will come true. I am trusting God that this will finally be our time.

Lessons Learned...

So here we are again.

The waiting was so difficult. We should be used to this feeling by now. I guess it doesn't get any easier.

I have finished my bcp's. Tomorrow I will be going in for my baseline bloodwork.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of our second chance.

There are some lessons we learned:

Keep it private:I am naturally an open book. As I was in the throes of finding out about our reasons for not conceiving, I couldn't help but talk to others. I wanted information. I wanted testimonials of success. I wanted to know I wasn't alone. I got a lot of what I wanted but I also reaped the consequences of that. People asked questions...people gave opinions. We were pretty open with our family as well. I had mixed feelings about this because I wanted our family's prayers & support but I also felt like our life was out there for everyone. This made it so difficult when we had to share the bad news. Everyone was so encouraging but we don't want to put ourselves out there like that again.

The Rollercoaster Effect: In all of my reading of other's experiences through IVF, everyone has had ups and downs through their process. There are some appts. where you leave on top of the world....there are others where you think its over. This time around I am better prepared for what this is like.

Accept the things you can't change & make the best of what you can: This lesson speaks for itself.

P.U.P.O I will not utter these words again. The heart's desire is great...it drives you to want to believe with all of your being that you are pregnant at the moment of transfer. I will be more cautious the next time around--if only to perserve our sanity.

This time around it feels good to go through this privately. It's too important.

This time around we are wiser,stronger, more fearless. We pray that this will be it.

So I've been silent...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not as though I haven't been lurking other blogs, it's just that I really have nothing to say.

There is nothing to say...just waiting. Waiting...and more waiting.

I started school a week and 1/2 ago and have been super busy. Mentally, this is a plus. I've been able to redirect my thoughts.

Funny, though...recently I've taken to crying hysterically. The type of crying Oprah affectionately refers to as "the ugly cry." It kind of takes over me and I can't say I see it coming.

It tends to happen mostly when I'm driving home from work. I think this is because I am living the life of two people. In one life I play the role of someone all put together. The other life is where I am longing for a dream that seems so very far away. I get in my car and feel overwhelmed by emotions. Putting on a brave face takes it's toll.

Being in my line of work it's difficult to make a clean break from thinking about children...children are an integral part of my career. This year I've got a couple of little girls in my classroom that are completely sweet and are constantly giving me hugs. To say I love their affection is an understatement.

Today, I was showing my kids a powerpoint presentation to share a little about myself and my life. I showed them a family picture where it was apparent (I thought mostly to me) that my husband and I were the only ones without children. Innocently, one of my students ask, "Don't you have any children?" I said, "No, not yet." Another child asked, "Do you want to have children?" I was taken aback by being asked such poignant questions by my 6-7 year olds. Questions that hurt my heart. "Yes, I'd love to. Hopefully someday." Then another child said "Then you'll be one of those teachers who has a huge belly (little arms outstreched in front of her)." I smiled at her and shook my head as I thought...from your lips to God's ears, I thought.

I am living with pain that comes and goes. In fact, there are times when my husband and I are laughing and joking around that I think remember this, see, despite everything...you still smiled.

There are days that I'm certain that someday our day will come and there are other times when everything seems so uncertain.

I am living with hope. I am also living with a broken heart.

Why are you not pregnant?

Why are you not pregnant? Ahh yes...a question we've asked ourselves many heartbreaking times.

Today I went in to my clinic for bloodwork and for a sonohystogram. A couple of days ago I officially got the ok to start on BCP for our IVF cycle.

I went in to get the sonohystogram done which I was very nervous about because the last time I got an HSG done it was incredibly painful. I thought today would be much of the same but it turned out to be ok. Only hurt a little because of the cramping.

Sonohystogram (check) BCP (check) No cysts = green light (check)

I then went in for my bloodwork. The other day I got a call from one of the IVF nurses and she said "Hi, just wanted you to fast on the morning of your appointment because Dr. Hope noticed your prolactin levels were on the high side." I was like, "my what?" She repeated "prolactin levels" and I said, "what is that?" and she repeated "prolactin" as if I'm supposed to know what on earth she is talking about. When I asked her again, "yes what is prolactin (apparently I needed to be very clear)? She said it's just one of the hormones we test. I got off the phone thinking...great my prolactin levels are high. It's just funny what this infertility process is like.

I went from having non-eventful doctor appts. my whole life to finding out something new about my body in every visit...usually they haven't been great news. So far the only positives I have are that I'm young and so are my eggs. But for some unknown reason I don't have many and my hormones are out of whack. WTF?

Anyway, as I was getting my bloodwork done in walks my first Dr. Hope (the Chief of the clinic who we started this journey with by doing IUI's.) When our 3 months of trying IUI proved unsuccessful he assured my husband and I that we will be pregnant by this summer. His confidence was contagious and I remember telling him "I hope so" and he looked me in the eyes and said "oh, you will." Then reiterated all of the positive factors we have on our side, namely my age.

So today my original Dr.Hope said "How are you?" I answered that I was ok. He said "what are you in for?" I saw his face perhaps thinking that today was BETA day. Oh my friend how mistaken you are... I said, "I'm in today to start up my second IVF cycle. I said the first one didn't work." He asked me the question that has been hanging over my husband and I for the past month... "Why are you not pregnant?" he said in what one might interpret as a demanding tone...as if I had willed my body to not let implantation happen. I said, "I don't know why. We had an embryo that had a grade of AA and one with AB. They were excellent quality they just didn't stick."

The nurse then agreed "you should've gotten pregnant." In the back of my mind I was thinking-- uhh yeah that was the general idea. As Dr. Hope walked away I said, "I hope we have better luck with our second cycle," I smiled. He nodded his head and went in to see another patient. I can't help feeling like I was being scolded for something.

Our clinic and its doctors have been mostly encouraging about our chances. I've been cautiously optimistic but I am not a typical 27 year old apparently. It is what it is.

On the flip side, my husband and I have a resolve that gives me peace and that it is very simply...we will keep trying...whatever it takes. It's that simple. It's that important to us. We have resolve, acceptance, and hope.

Someday it will all be worth it.

Starting Over

Tomorrow we will be meeting with Dr. Hope to get a sonogram and to start me on birth control pills if all goes well. I am hoping that we are given the green light.

I've heard this been described before by other women and now I understand...

The waiting is so difficult. Women who go through many cycles of IVF describe this. The ups and downs of coming off a cycle and beginning another one. I am anxious to get started with this cycle but also scared.

I feel renewed and wiser this time around. I have begun meditating and practicing yoga. I'm glad that I found something that for me has been life changing and helps me to calm my anxiety and is giving me tools that help me deal with stress. I guess I can thank the experience of infertility for that...hmmm never thought I'd say that.

I am excited but am beginning to feel the nervousness I did the first time around when I think of all that is at stake. I now know what it's like to be on the other side of this...to have so much hope and to have to face the reality that despite everything that was positive (2 beautiful embryos) we still didn't get our positive.

It's scary to be getting on this rollercoaster again but I have to believe that this time it will be different. I choose to believe that it will. What else do I have but to have faith and hope?

Dreams

All throughout this journey I've wanted to have dreams...if at least to see myself pregnant or holding our child in my arms.

You would think that I'd be dreaming about this constantly being as it seems to be all encompassing in my life.

A couple nights ago I had a dream that my husband and I were in the hospital. I was in labor and felt a lot of pain. But the funny thing was that initially I was not aware that I was pregnant. The nurse gave me a reassuring look and said something like "We're ready." The acknowledgement that I was not only pregnant but that I would be giving birth to this long-awaited miracle was truly overwhelming. The kind of dream where you are crying and realize when you wake up that you are still crying. My husband's face was priceless. The certainty that the struggles of this journey had been fruitful was more than my heart could take. I was incredibly happy at the thought that we would be holding our child in a little while.

Last night, I had a dream that I was holding this little infant but something was trying to take it away. The baby was wrapped in a blanket. In my dream I kept trying to find quiet and safe places to hold and kiss this baby. This dream was so strange.

Anyway, this waiting period is very difficult. I should be very familiar with this. I'm anticipating going back to work and am a little anxious. I think getting back into the grind will be good for me mentally. I'm a little anxious about hearing "news" from women I work with. Like guess who's pregnant? Not to mention that a few of my closest colleagues knew about our plans to do IVF during the summer. I don't know how to approach this if it comes up. If they ask me how I'm doing or how did it go? I know it's my business and no one elses. I think this time I will be much more private. Any suggestions?

Our Appointment

Today we went to our follow up appointment which is affectionately referred to as the WTF appointment.

Dr. Hope shared our sentiment. Dr. Hope started to tell us that even she was at a loss for why our embryos didn't make it. We had a grade of AA (which she said is very, very rare in their lab for any embryo to get that grading) and AB (also beautiful). She actually said she thought our pregnancy would be a "sure thing." She said that if she were me, knowing the quality of our embryos. she would continue trying until she had a baby. Dr. Hope seems to really believe that although I don't produce as many eggs for someone my age, that the eggs I do have are great quality.

For the next cycle Dr. Hope is using a different protocol which is what I wanted to hear. First cycle we learned about how I reacted to the protocol. So we will be forgoing Lupron. Starting stimms full force in hope of getting more eggs.

We will be getting back on the saddle this upcoming cycle. I am more than ready. I feel so empowered by having the experience...knowing what the whole process is like...the shots, ER, ET gives me a sense of peace. Inevitably, I will be less anxious, scared, or nervous about the process. I can't wait!

Moving on...Moving Forward!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Here we are...

Seeking comfort, support, encouragement, positivity. We are a network of women who know all too well that having a baby is not as easy as some make it seem.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have been TTC to for a year and a half. We found out that we have MFI and as I underwent testing we found out that I have a high fsh level which indicates to possible diminished ovarian reserve. We were told our surest bet was to have IVF w/ ICSI.

Excitedly and full of hope we underwent IVF w/ ICSI in July. I didn't respond as well as they would've hoped so we were on pins and needles the whole cycle wondering if my eggs then our embryos were going to make it to transfer. Unfortunately, even though we had 2 beautiful embryos our result was a BFN. We were heartbroken and pretty devastated.

My husband and I came back from our getaway vacation. We feel renewed in a sense and ready to get back on the saddle. On Tuesday, we will be meeting with my doctor who I affectionately refer to as Dr. Hope. We will be discussing our upcoming IVF cycle. What our protocol will be? I feel ready to move on.

We are determined to start our family. With the support of friends and family, it feels like all of our loved ones share in our dream.

I feel strengthened by your stories and your voices. I hope our story can do the same for you.


St. David's Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

It comes in waves...

This week has been eye opening. I've learned once again about human endurance. How we fall down and get back up again. How hope which can sometimes seem hard to hold on to still remains.

My beta was obviously negative. My period finally came today. The waiting was hard. Knowing it didn't work, I just kept waiting for my period to come so I could finally have closure. I thought I would be emotional. I thought it would be hard. Although we are sad, I feel ready to move on.

This week I decided to look into changing my insurance (I'm currently under my husband's) which I wasn't even sure I could do. My insurance covers a good portion of IVF and meds. I was accepted and will be signing paperwork in the next couple of weeks. Good news.

We will be meeting with Dr. Hope in the next couple of weeks to discuss where we go from here. We have at least another fresh cycle because we paid for multi-cycles.

My sister in law, who battled infertility and now has 2 beautiful children, had the most encouraging message. She told me that at their most difficult (she miscarried at week 25) she decided to make something positive out of something negative...determination. I loved her using this word because this process can make you feel very helpless.

We are ready to push forward and move on. I'm sure throughout the next couple of weeks we will be going through emotional ups and downs but we are trying to keep our eyes on the prize.

My husband and I will be going away...taking some time together. We are looking forward to it.

It didn't work...

The last couple of days have been hard on the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit.

I've been feeling my period coming for the last 2-3 days now. I know where this familiar feeling is coming from. I tried to think positively and acknowledge that there is a lot I don't know. For example, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant therefore I don't know if the things I normally feel when I'm going to get my period are part of being pregnant. I tried to calm myself by thinking these thoughts. It helped somewhat but it's such mind fuck when your heart and spirit is telling you what to believe but your physical being is telling you something else. How do you keep the faith when your body tells you your period is coming.

My husband and I made a pact that I would not POAS until Sunday morning. My Beta's on Monday. We agreed that it would be best in order to abate my neurosis. Yesterday was different though. I felt my period coming and didn't want to wait to see the blood. So after an emotional breakdown and much discussion we decided we would take the test this morning.

We took two. We agreed that I would do the tests and wait for my husband to go check the results. All the while, we both kept trying to be hopeful and keep our spirits up. Both said Not Pregnant. My husband came back into bed with me and held me. We held each other and my husband who normally is a rock broke down in tears. We just held each other totally devastated. This fucking hurts so bad.

We could cling on to false hope and wait for the bloodwork on Monday but why? I feel and know my period coming and I took two tests that came out negative. I'm aware of the stories of women who could've sworn they were getting their period but they were actually pregnant. I'm not one of them.

It's hard to write this and cope with the reality that our cycle failed. Our hearts were believing we would be the lucky ones who were successful after their 1st IVF.

It's hard not to think that this might never happen. We might never be successful. Will we ever have children?

We are grieving the loss of our two perfect embies: Two 8 cell embies. Why didn't this work? There are so many variables we can't control...so many aspects of this that we'll never understand.

Today I saw my best friend, my life partner of 10 years cry from frustration and disappointment. That year of trying on our own and all the months of IUI's...he always remained realistic and didn't get his hopes up. But not this time. My husband who is always the sound one allowed himself to become attached and hopeful. He said he began to envision the future. He allowed himself to go there. I wish I could take his pain away.

We are heartbroken and devastated.

On A Day Like Today...We were married.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

On a day like today we made vows to love one another through good times and bad.

This year has not been an easy one but when I think of walking this bumpy road I am so grateful to walk along holding his hand.

I love you more than anything.

One Moment at a Time...

I have heard people say that the 2 week wait can be more difficult than the whole IVF process. Now I understand why.

Despite all the hanging anticipation, I have been doing my best to live in the moment. I don't know what tomorrow may bring but for today I am pregnant. I am trusting that my body is taking care of these precious gifts. Most importantly, though I am trusting that everything will work out just as it should.

I keep thinking about all those times that we tried and how I wanted so much to believe that we were close but we weren't every really as close as we are now.

We have never gotten this far. Isn't that in and of itself totally amazing? Isn't it a miracle?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am trying my best not to worry about it.

You see, the thing is, I'm already in love. I look at the picture of my embies everyday. We tell them that we want them to get comfortable and burrow inside of me. I pray for them at every moment. They are already a part of me. They were created out of love, hope, patience, and perserverance. They are already survivors.

Then there's my husband who I love more than words can express. His desire to be a father is so great. I want with all of my heart for his dream to come true. The truth is, if there is anyone who deserves to be a father it is him. He has waited patiently. He has been so strong for me. He has picked me up off the floor so many times throughout this journey. He has this quiet strength about him. He has not always been as open as I have about my feelings. This has often worried me. Instead, he's focused on the opportunities. Always reminding me to keep my faith and hope alive. "It'll happen...Someday, baby"--he always says.

It's in his eyes. The desire. The unspoken prayers. The longing. It's in his eyes.

So I won't worry about tomorrow. I am trying my best to enjoy this process because enveloped in this anticipation is this gift. A gift of opportunity. A gift of promise.

Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have a chance at this. Two weeks ago, we weren't sure if we could create life. Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have embryos. Two weeks ago, we hadn't seen the embies. All of our dreams... in this little photograph.

Now we wait but we wait with a gift. Today we are closer to starting our family.

So yes, there's anticipation in the air but there is also a gratitude for where we've come from and how far we've gone.

I'll never regret this.

Bed Rest, Happy, & P.U.P.O

This morning I had my transfer. Two beautiful little embies were transferred which we have affectionately named Chubby & Nugget.

Dr. Hope said that we have many reasons to be hopeful.

The hardest part of the transfer was my full bladder. I could hear my Dr. prepping in the OR room for transfer and all I could think about was, let's get this show on the road so I can pee. Then once I was lying on the table the nurse used the sonogram and rubbed it on my stomach and said "Oh wow! yeah your bladder is full."

The sonogram was supposed to show the embies going in but I didn't really see it. It's ok b/c I thought it would be this magical moment of seeing a light that many describe. I was bummed about experiencing something like that without my husband (they didn't let him come in). So all in all I'm glad he didn't really miss anything.

It's very surreal to be on this side. This road was bumpy. All we kept praying for was a chance at this and God heard us. It's so amazing to internalize that I am P.U.P.O (pregnant until proven otherwise). Right now I have life floating in me.

We are just elated to have gotten to this point. Now I will trust that my body will take over and know how to take care of our embies.

I've been meditating and doing yoga throughout this cycle. It's been so incredible and has really helped to calm me.

I vow to trust this process and to take this day by day. Today we are absolutely over the moon to have a chance at having our dreams of starting our family come true.

Thank you to all who have been following our journey and praying for us. My deepest gratitude goes out to you all.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is only a dayyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaayyy! (Can you tell I'm excited?) Tomorrow morning is transfer day. I'm nervous too but I'm just trying to live this moment by moment.

We found out on Saturday that we have embryos. With male factor infertility, our biggest problem was that my hubby's sperm could not penetrate my egg(s). Even when I had a record 4-5 eggs on Clomid. Not one egg was fertilized. Imagine our excitement when we found out, through God's grace we made life. I haven't ceased in praying for these little lives that we want a chance to nurture. I want them with us. They belong with us so I am genuinely over the moon about getting the transfer. It will be the first time I have ever been this close.

Over the last couple of weeks, when thinking about the prospect of having embryos, I kept struggling about whether to remain detached to preserve my heart or allowing myself to connect with these little parts of us. I think my heart has decided for me.

Tomorrow will be emotional for us both. We have waited a long time to get this close. Despite the reality that this can end in one of two ways---one bringing us joy unimaginable, the other leaving us at square one---I don't want to think about anything other than I want them with me so that my body can take over and begin to take care of them.

I know in my core that no matter what I will be ok. My husband and I will be ok. God and I will be ok.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1



My husband and I

Egg Retrieval

Today is my egg retrieval and I'm feeling nervous and anxious. There is so much anticipation.

If anyone happens to come across my blog today, I ask that you please send us your prayers and good wishes.

We are feeling positive. We are staying positive. We have hope.

I'll update after ER.

**Update**

Egg Retrieval went well. I meditated before going this morning and that helped to calm my nerves. I was pretty calm which is HUGE for me. I would say the anticipation and waiting was probably the worst part. My husband is so amazing. He always makes me laugh when I'm nervous or anxious. He is my angel. I feel very blessed to have him as my husband.

I was out and before I knew it they woke me up and we were done. The whole process seemed to go by very quickly. I came home and rested. I feel great.

In about 15 minutes we will be doing the PIO shot. The nurses gave us a smaller needle to use since all 112 pounds of me and my a** cannot handle that looooong needle.

Whatever it takes. I am also on Medrol and Doxycycline.

We are excited and comforted by the notion that our eggs and our sperm met today. We are praying for our embryos. A nurse will call us tomorrow with an update.

Thanks so very much for your prayers!

Slow and Steady

It has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. If there is one word to describe an IVF cycle it would be unexpected. Such highs and lows.

Last night I felt so much back pain that I normally get when I ovulate. I was trying to keep the faith but a part of me was sure that I had ovulated. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck this morning during my sonogram. When Dr. Hope told me my follies were all there and that I didn't ovulate I could've kissed her. Actually I believe my exact words were "Oh Thank God! You made my day! I love you!!!" She smiled and said "you're so cute!" but she was probably thinking I was insane.

She also mentioned again the importance of quality over quantity since to date I have 3-4 follies. For all its worth, it was nice to hear. I felt encouraged.

Tonight at 11:15 pm my husband will give me my trigger shot. Egg retrieval is scheduled for this Friday at 10:15.

I continue to have faith and hope. I keep coming back to this and that is that no matter what the outcome I will not regret this. I am proud of us for coming this far.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Mixing Drugs

Tonight I started Menopur which is a drug that requires mixing as though it were a cocktail (hmm, I miss those). The needle was a little bigger than Lupron and Follistim. It hurt! I've been spoiled b/c every other injection has been a breeze. I guess its good preparation for the PIO shots.

I had another Dr.'s appt this morning. My 4 follies are growing and seem to be doing well. Their measurements are roughly 17, 15, 14, 10 (my little one that could). I am almost cooked. Egg retrieval is scheduled tentatively for this Friday. My next appointment is on Monday so hopefully we'll get a better sense by then.

Still believin' in my eggs. I pray that they are quality eggs. Keepin' the hope alive.

If you happen to come across my blog I ask that you please say a little prayer for us and our follies. Thank you so much!

Believing in my Follies

I'll keep this one short, if only just to remember what I felt and the positive state of mind I held on to.

My follies are growing...slow but steady. Today is day 7 of stims. I have 3 in the lead and 1 "very small" follie.

I believe in my follicles ability to grow. I am believing that they are quality eggs. I am believing that they will fertilize w/ ICSI. I am believing that they will be mature. I am believing that we have hope of life.

I am choosing to keep my eyes on the prize. I am choosing to be positive and hopeful. I am trying to align my thoughts to my husbands' which is "prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

Anyone who happens to visit my blog, I ask that you please say a little prayer for us. I'd appreciate it so very much. Thank you!

A Chance at this...

I had my dr.'s visit yesterday and they told me I have 4 follicles. They are small but right now I am trying to focus on the fact that it could be worse. I saw them on the sonogram. This doctor ( they circulate their doctors so on any given day who I see might change), who I love, told me he would show me everything. They have kept me on the high dosage of meds till Thursday when I have my next blood test and sonogram.

My Dr. told me that if I was 40 he would tell me to go towards getting donor eggs but because I'm young he said "we'll just keep trying." He told me that the prognosis is low for this cycle. I asked him how many follicles I should have and he said that it varies and everyone is different. He said "all we need is one." He held my hand and told me that he understands this all must be hard to hear and then he gave me a hug. He is very sensitive and empathetic, which is why I love him.

Right now they are waiting for my estrogen levels or E2 levels to go up and they are looking for my follicles to grow.

I have gone up and down emotionally yesterday & today trying to digest the information. I feel like I don't want to give up on my 4 "follies." In each of them there is the potential for life so for today I am choosing to be happy that at least I have eggs for this cycle. At least for today they have not cancelled my cycle.

I don't want to focus on what I don't have but rather on what I do have. I have a beautiful supportive husband, I have my support from friends and family, and I also feel such a sense of support from my fellow IFers who understand this road all too well. I love that I can turn to your stories and comments to make me feel less alone.

It's funny how all this time I kept thinking sperm was our only issue but lo and behold my eggs are too. I have 2 deep rooted beliefs though that no one can take: (1)Someday my husband and I will be parents...someday, somehow. (2)I know in my gut that I have good eggs in me.

For now I've got 4 follies. I am happy they are there. As long as they are there, there is hope. I am rooting them on so they will grow. I believe that anything is possible. For today, I choose to continue to look at what I have and not what I don't.

The funny thing is...I am trying to look forward and tell myself regardless of if this cycle fails or succeeds I just want a chance at this.

I attached this forum that I visited today and it made me feel so hopeful that despite the hurdles we can get pregnant. I am learning that the road may be longer but I will not give up.

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/689479-high-fsh-moms-pg-week-july-11th-everything-mentioned.html

Unwavering Hope

I am on Day 4 of stims. The injections are not bad at all. Perhaps its my husbands' steady hand or my running mantra of "whatever it takes." The side effects though I'm definitely trying to deal with. Because of my suspected high FSH levels (my 1st was at 11 and my second was 7) I was put on a high dosage of folli*stim (450 units).

I went in on Sunday morning for my 1st bloodwork after starting the stims. Dr. Hope normally begins the sonogram and she normally speaks to me to tell me what she sees and this time she was quiet. She told me to wait and see what the bloodwork indicates. As she's leaving the room I ask her if everything looks okay and she smiles and shows me a pokerface and says "It's too early to tell." When she leaves I start to bawl. My husband says to calm down but I knew something was wrong.

The nurse calls me to tell the blood results and she says that they are going to increase my dosage because they are not happy with my response to the drugs. She tells me that I will be on the highest dosage of folli*stim (600 units). Tomorrow I go in for my bloodwork and sonogram. I don't know if she didn't see any follies or if there was only 1. I don't know and I feel like I should've asked but I was feeling so confident because I felt like my hormones (I still do) are on overdrive.

I literally fell apart yesterday because I know what this could mean for us: canceled IVF due to poor response. What if I can't ever produce enough follicles for a successful IVF?

I feel 100 different things all at once but most of all I feel like this is yet another hurdle to cross.

I ask you, whoever may read my blog today to please send out a prayer that my body may respond to the folli*stim. Please, I just want to have a chance at this. I don't want to end before we've even begun. Please lift my name up. I would appreciate it so very much. I feel like I need all the prayers I can get.

Thank you.

Today I feel brave...

I know its wordless Wednesday but these are my feelings and thoughts I wanted to share, write down, and remember...

Today I feel brave.

In life you are faced with decisions. Some of them hard to make, some of them easy.

We are and have been faced with a decision that we humbly made and accepted.

Life is full of risks. This is one of them. We won't know unless we try. So we will. The reality that I will begin stims on Thursday and that we will undergo IVF is unbelievable.

I'm in awe of the lengths one takes for love. I'm in awe of the perserverance love and the human spirit has. Whatever it takes to have a chance...you do it!

We won't know unless we try. So keeping this in mind somehow makes everything seem less scary.

I could go back to my safe little world where needles don't exist. Where terms like infertility don't plague me. Where unrealistic hopes reside. Where at every month looming heartbreak and disappointment are sure to be near. But isn't it worth the risk?

Yes, this road is scary. The unknown is scarier still but I would still choose this road if at the end of it my dreams of starting a family with my love were to come true.

This is a risk. The potential consequences are endless. The effects this can have on my body is very real. The things that could go wrong are real. I understand and I'm afraid.

But I feel like I'm at the top of a mountain about to jump off trusting God, in His loving grace, to catch me. Trusting that God will guard my heart and that He will catch me, like He has so many times before.

And so, its the leap of faith we will make...regardless of the outcome...we will never regret this.

When you want something with all of your heart, you leap out into the unknown with arms wide open. Our hearts full of hope.

Today I am proud of us for trying.

Today I feel brave.

~Love recognizes no barriers. It leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.~

A Visit From An Old Friend

Today an old beloved friend came to visit me. Over the last year and a half her visit used to leave me feeling emotionally drained, disappointed, and heartbroken. She used to cause me to be anxious and wait for signs of her arrival. In fact, I used to try and avoid her like the plague. Today when she showed up I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow or Monday. It was such a welcomed surprise that I yelled in excitement.

I am hoping her visit this time is the last one for a while. You see, with her arrival comes hope for a new beginning. This month her arrival is opening a door of opportunity. This may not be her last visit for this year but I'm praying with every bone in my body that it is. Because in her absence, I would receive an amazing gift.

Welcome my old friend! I've been waiting for you. Because of you this Thursday we will begin our stims. Thank you but don't come back for the next 9-10 months, k?

Emotional Day (may want to skip me today)

Today, I am feeling emotional about this process.

Today I am so scared to get emotionally invested in this cycle only to be disappointed and left heartbroken once again. For close to 2 years, this has been our experience.

Today I am worried about all the things that could go wrong before and during our IVF cycle. I'm worried about getting a BFP but only to miscarry later on. When do you allow yourself to be happy?

Today I am in awe of how miraculous conception is. The amount of things that need to go right. The fact that conception happens without medical intervention is simply amazing and beyond me. What a precious gift it is to be able to carry your child in your womb and even more precious when the child is born healthy.

Every baby is a complete miracle.
Today I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of losing my "normal." The idea of having a child has consumed me for the better part of 2 years. I'm emotionally spent.

Today I felt like all of the feelings (the excitement, the bonding, the love, the nurturing)that I have been longing to feel...the knowledge that my child is growing inside of me...All of this feels so far away. It hurts me to think that this may all be things I never experience. Maybe I'll never know what this feels like. Sometimes I feel like our time will come and other times I doubt that we'll ever get the chance.

I have moments when I step outside of myself and catch myself staring out my window, fazing out...lost in my thoughts. I am a shadow of who I was. I miss the naive-happy--go-lucky me. This experience has made me grow up and has tainted me in a way. I don't look at things in the same way anymore. This has caused a trauma.

Today my heart grieves for all of the broken dreams of parenthood out there. It is so unjust to see how many wonderful, capable, loving women (& husbands) are longing to become parents. There have been several women this week that have gone through loss and my heart just breaks for them. Why? This journey can be so unjust and can be so cruel.

Maybe its the waiting...pretty sure, its the hormones....definitely a combination of both.

Update: Lu*pron side effects: Holy Hot Flashes (check), Headaches (check), Emotional Basketcase (check). Ugh!

Therapeutic Music:
Scroll down to my music to Rob Thomas' Someday. It is such a great song...take a listen to the words....it speaks to me at this moment

Holy Hot Flashes!

Today was very interesting in terms of side effects. I had lunch with my best friend and we decided to eat outside. My best friend had her hair down and a thicker shirt than I did and she was fine. Normally, I am always cold. Well, today I had to skimp down to a tank top with my hair in a bun and I felt pure heat rising. I knew this had something to do with Lu*pron because I never feel that hot,ever.

So I felt like a menopausal woman. This made me feel so guilty for making fun of my mother as she went through menopause and had hot flashes. Yikes, it's biting me in my a**. Driving home, my AC was blasted on high while I wore a tank top. So funny!

On a happier note, my period is coming. I feel it coming. WooHoo!! For the past 2 years getting a visit from Aunt Flo was always unwelcomed and disheartening. This time around, I am counting the days. Once I get my period, I've been instructed to come in on that Thursday or Friday for my baseline bloodwork and for instructions for the stim injections. It's moving along.

Acupunture???

To acupunture or not to acupunture?

I am trying to decide what my "care and relaxation plan" will be.

There are things I definitely plan to do:

Yoga and meditation (a must for me)

What are people's thoughts on acupunture?

I am trying to determine whether or not I should get it since so many IF'ers seem to get acupunture.

I don't know if I'll like it. What's it like?

Topsy Turvy, a metaphor for IVF

Our "embies"



Over the last month or so my husband has taken on a new project. He has been wanting to grow vegetables,mainly tomatoes. After much talk and snickering on my end, he bought the As Seen on TV "Topsy Turvy."

As soon as he began we noticed correlations between the process for growing tomatoes and IVF.

1. Plant the best looking seeds in a pot. Prepare the Topsy Turvy for transfer. (In our case, hopefully the best eggs are in my "pot" and my womb is preparing for transfer soon!)
2. In the interim the plants are being given fertilizer daily, water, and sun. (In our case, I'm given Lu*pron & Stims daily in order to help fertilize me!)
3. The seeds will grow for about 2-3 weeks in the pot and will need to be retrieved.(In our case, we will be "growing eggs" for about 8-12 days during stims).
4. Retrieval Time! Only the best plants will be chosen--we chose the 3 healthiest most mature plants to be retrieved because of their higher chances of bearing fruit.
(In our case, we hope to retrieve enough eggs to increase our chances of bearing fruit)
5. Transfer Time! Mature plants are now transfered into the waiting Topsy Turvy that has been receiving sunlight in preparation for the transfer. (In our case, hopefully 2 mature embryos will transferred into my uterus which has been receiving PIO shot in preparation for transfer)
6. Now we wait a couple of weeks to see if the roots will implant and take hold of the soil. (In our case, we wait a couple of weeks to see if our embryos take hold and implant themselves in my uterus.)
7. In approx. 2 weeks we should get signs of success. (In our case, you get the point)

I will keep you posted on the growth of our tomatoes.



Our "transfered embies"

Crazy,eh? I know!!! Just go with me on this one. You gotta admit, the similarities are uncanny!

(By the way, I hope no one deems me insensitive. I know IVF is in no means as trivial as growing tomatoes. I just thought I'd add a little humor to our experience).

Addicted...

My name is A and I am addicted to injections...

For the first time in this crazy rollercoaster there is something we can actually do. This thought amazes me to the point that I want to come home and get another shot. I feel so excited about actually having a real chance at conceiving. Any time we tried before, the odds were so low. Now it feels like we have somewhat of a leveled playing field.

I am going into this very realistically--even if the 1st time doesn't work (or 2nd, or 3rd...) I am so incredibly happy to actually be doing something constructive. We are aiding the process in some way.

I am LOVING the morning injections. We are both actually giddy afterwards. I know, crazy!!!

Reactions so far: I get hot flashes for about 20 minutes after the shot but other than that it's been a piece of cake. The needle is tiny and all I feel is a pinch. Regardless of the needle size and level of pain...we are determined to do whatever it takes.

Counting the hours till I can aid this process again! Come on Lu*pron!!!

Happy ICLW!

This is my second month participating and have found the women who share their stories to be so incredibly strong and brave. I stand in awe and filled with love for all of us going through this sisterhood of unfortunate events together. Thank you for sharing your journey and being a source of inspiration. Knowing you are all out there, a network of women who know exactly what I'm going through is invaluable to me.

Welcome one and all to my IVF journey!

Lu*pron Easy Breezy

This is a picture of life as we know it from now on: O.J. (check), vitamin water (check),bread (check), eggs (check), Lu*pron (check)... too funny!

Yesterday evening we had my last appointment before we started injections. My beloved cysts shrunk to under 10 mm so I was super happy to be given the green light. As Dr. Hope walked out she was reminding me how I will begin injections and how I will be coming in a couple of weeks to begin the stims and be monitored. I said "So its go time!" She laughed and said "Yes, it's go time!" LOVE IT!!!

So last night we received our order of Lu*pron. I cannot tell you how completely ecstatic I was. As strange as this sounds, I couldn't wait for my injection. There is finally something that we can do. Something we can control in this rollercoaster!

This morning I woke up a slight bit nervous but mostly roaring to go. I kept telling myself "I can do this!" The injection was a breeze and my husband was so great. He is so even keel that it puts me completely at ease. In fact, he injected me and I was like "That's it? Did it go in?" Granted the needle is tiny...these are small feats, I'm going to allow myself to be proud of us anyway. Now we wait for reactions like hot flashes, headaches, and mood swings(can't wait for this!)

There is something about me that I am trying to resolve and that is that I am a chronic worrier...it runs in my family. I am vowing to myself to take a different perspective for the 1st time in my life. My outlook and positivity is so important to my sanity through this process. Whatever the outcome of this, I want to look back thinking I didn't stress the way I ALWAYS do. I came up w/ coping mechanisms.

School is over in a couple of days. I will be taking part of a summer school program that will keep me busy enough to not go stir crazy but will be laid back enough that I can make all of my appointments. I have begun doing meditation and yoga. I feel relaxed and open for all that lies ahead. For the first time in my life, I will not allow myself to be driven by anxiety and worry.

I pray that my faith, my determination, and positivity will help me stay focused on the prize.

These Words Spoke to My Heart

I discovered this poem over at Laura's blog (Please Let This Be It) a fellow IComLeavWer. Such beautiful words that I'm sure ring true to so many of us.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

It's definitely beginning to feel real...

Our wallet and bank account is slowly depleting so its definitely feeling real...This is really happening...

This week we reached some goals:

*We were approved for the Attain IVF program where we will be given 4 cycles (2 fresh & 2 frozen) to get the result of a "take home baby."

*We paid an obscene amount of money upfront already which in itself was mixed bag of emotions. We are so grateful that we could pay for IVF, yet I just had a flashback of simpler times in this process. When buying a $200 ovulation predictor seemed a bit excessive...when IUI was option...but i'm glad we are where we are because we are closer today then we ever have been. The realization of this is very exciting.

Patience is important. Today is a good day.

BTW: Music is therapeutic for me so I've decided to add a soundtrack of songs that speak to me during this process. Feel free to skip around or mute my playlist if you so desire. For those of you who don't mind, I hope the words of these songs speak to you as well.

Trial of Transfer

So I've decided not to blog daily until things really get cooking. I have been put on BCP for a couple more weeks therefore things are going slllllooooowww.

I had my trial of transfer today. Everything went great and the nurse (and everyone else I've asked) was right. It felt just like an IUI. Slight cramping but other than that, all is good. The trial of transfer or as the nurse referred to it as "when the kids come home," was a breeze hopefully more things will go like this.

One more thing to check off the list.

Oh, the patience one must have every step of this process. My nurse was cute...she said its only preparation for the patience one needs for children. I told her that I have an idea of the patience required being that I hang out with 7 to 8 year olds all day.

And on that note...must get back to report cards!

Beauty for Ashes

My relationship with my husband is always evolving. We have been together for 10 years and I am so thankful for our love. We have had a pretty picture perfect relationship. I am married to my favorite person in the world.

Nonetheless,over the last couple of months, we have been arguing and having these explosive fights...it's been exhausting. All of my insecurities, fears, and doubts about my marriage and relationship have surfaced. At times we've both questioned whether we should be trying to have a baby b/c of our constant arguing. I am married to the most patient person in the world. No one is perfect but Lord knows its not always easy to love me.

For some unknown reason I feel like I'm being made to confront all of my baggage. I can't help but feel as though God is working on me. I'm being molded and shaped...I'm preparing myself and our relationship for this very important next step in our journey together.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me...(He will) bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release them from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61

I believe in God's promise. I'm just riding this wave right now but I know that God is here. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted this as our path. I'm ready to open my arms again to faith. I am believing that he'll give my husband and I beauty for ashes.

Polished Teeth and A Jab at the Heart

Everything that requires long term planning is linked to my desire to achieve a healthy pregnancy.

Case in point: I had a routine dentist visit, when my dentist mentioned I'll be back in December for my 6 month cleaning. All at once her voice became a faded sound (like the waugh waugh waugh from Charlie Brown). All I could think of is "I wonder if I'll be pregnant by then?" and "Imagine I come back w/ a big ole' belly??" I'd be over the moon happy.

She shook me from that little daydream when she asked me a perfectly innocent question as she went to give me my x-rays "You are not pregnant, right?" At that moment I felt a jab at my heart and a lump in my throat.

You ladies know the kind I'm speaking of. These moments I liken to when I was told to "just relax and it'll happen" or "Guess who's pregnant?" or "It just happened. We weren't even planning it!" and so many other moments like these. I'm sure we all have a collection of these stories.

Anyway, I answered pretty abruptly, "No." I guess it came out a little defensive but she then said "Oh just checking cause you know we can't do the x-rays if you were. Great! You're not pregnant. Let's go on to the x-rays." Great!

Sigh...when will these little moments not get to me. Nonetheless, I walked out with polished teeth and a jab at the heart!

Miss Info...

Right now I'm ravenous for information....I've been holding on to the little I can control and staying on top of any appts. that need to be made. My husband and I are figuring out finances being as the big payment will be needed in a couple of weeks.

So as it turns out I was supposed to start Lupron next week. Because of my work I can't come in every other day for bloodwork just yet. I'm an elementary school teacher and am bogged down by progress reports, reading record cards, permanent record cards, and report cards. Needless to say June is a very busy month; tying all loose ends. Therefore, I will be continuing my BCP's until the 29th. I will be going in next Tuesday for my trial of transfer.

Lupron begins June 22. I cannot begin to explain how freakin' excited I am to get this party started. By party, I mean getting shot up w/ hormones, obviously : )

I tell you, it is the oddest things that rock my boat recently. The highlight of my day today was going through my tentative schedule for IVF. Woohoo! There's a mapped out plan. Just the way I like it!

Today is Day 8 on BCP's. Keep keepin' on!

My mind is on other things! Hallelujah!

Today was nice...

I thought of other things today...hallelujah.

A couple of times I caught myself actually having "normal thoughts."

I look forward to next week and the next steps.

I'm exhausted but hold true to my daily (365 days of blogging). So far I've been pretty good! Only missed one day. I have nothing really to report. I can't wait till we really get cracking.

6th day on BCP's.

A New Day...

Today is a new day and I am feeling better today...

I am getting just a little taste of the infamous "waiting" everyone talks about. There is a lot I don't know. I don't know what to expect.

Here's what I do know...

I will be contacted by the IVF nurse to schedule my cycle.
By day 10, I will be scheduled for a trial of transfer.
By day 20, I will begin Lupron shots.

A couple of hurdles to this happening:

1. Closing on our Home Equity Loan: This is how we will be able to pay for our cycles.
2. My cysts being gone. I currently have 3 due to side effects with Clomid. Apparently there is only about 5% of getting cysts on Clomid. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones (sigh).
3. Getting approved for the multi-cycle portion of the Attain program.

So if all things fall into place, we will really be on our way. I hope we will be. Please pray that all of these things work out. Thanks to all you who are taking time out of your days to read about my experience.

Some days are good...

Some days are not so good...

Today I am feeling upset and sorry for myself. I think its partially the hormones in the BCP's and partially our shitty circumstance.

Today is a day I reflect on how different our lives were 2 years ago.
Today is a day I wonder why it had to be us.
Today is a day I contemplate what it would be like to get pregnant naturally.
Today I resent having to go through infertility treatment.
Today I can't stand another story of a child being abused or abandoned or unloved.
Today I believe this world can be unfair.
Today I'm hurt.

I want so much to be on the other side of this nightmare. Sometimes I fear that we'll never get a chance to be parents at least of our own biological children. Sometimes on a day like today, I fear that I'll never be pregnant...That I'll never be able to carry our child in my womb and feel it kick and move inside me....that I'll never know the joy of hearing our baby's heartbeat...

Like I said some days are good and some days are not.

I'm going to allow myself to wallow if just for a little bit. I will allow myself to be mad and feel the injustice of it all.

Infertility is something no one would wish on anyone. I feel such a kinship and sisterhood with all the beautiful, strong, deserving women who long like I do...who know what it feels like to not take for granted the miracle of bringing life into this world. Today as I feel the way I do, I think of all you. I pray for you and I hope that everything works just as it is meant to for you. Knowing you are out there--your strength and courage gives me hope.

E2 Levels and all things hormonal

So my elevated E2 levels are pointing to the possibility that I have a diminished ovarian reserve. In fun terms this means that I have a lower amount of eggs than I'm supposed to for my age.

How does this change anything? It doesn't. It just sucks. Who wants to hear that there might be something wrong? Nothing changes.

I've got nothing else to say except that this is just another bump in the road.

On a another note, day 2 of BCP's and all is well.

Oh the IRONY!!!

Birth control pills.

What else can I say?

I have been trying to avoid all obstacles to getting pregnant and I have just finished swallowing what I once considered to be a little miracle pill.

The fact that BCP's are the first step in creating life is beyond me. I am happy, hopeful, and excited to finally have a real chance at this. I want to stay this way but realistically I know I will have harder days so I will be kind to myself. I will allow myself to have hard days when I'll want to cry or vent.

A part of me feels so ready to dive in! Today is officially the first day of this process. I will be on BCP's for the next 3 weeks. Side effects? Not sure.

Today is day 1 of putting a foreign thing in my body. There will be many more days like these to come.

A Variation on the 365 Days Project

I have never been so happy to get my period in my life. For the last year and a half getting a visit from the red biotch was another devastating blow to the heart. This time it marked a new beginning.

We have officially begun IVF--at least the baby steps. Tomorrow I will go in for a sonogram and will get BCPs (a little more on that tomorrow). I will begin Lupron in a couple of weeks.

If you would've told me that the prospect of getting injected by a needle daily would be the highlight of my day...I would've told you, you have the wrong junkie but its true! I want to start this process yesterday. In true fashion, I am impatient.

In order to chronicle the journey into the major leagues that is IVF, I have decided to do a variation of 365 days project. I will blog everyday for the next 7 weeks in order to share exactly what this IVF experience is like.

Many might think...what are you crazy? Answer is simple, no.
Some might suggest...sounds ambitious but how will you find time? Answer is I'm not that busy, although that is a good excuse not to do this. I may cash in on this somedays.
Others might assume that I'm doing this mainly for myself. Answer is this is only 10% true. I would like to be able to look back at what it took to be able to hold and love our children.

But what many don't know (except for my husband who loves me anyway)is that I scour and riffle through blog after blog of IVF journeys. I want to know what its like...particularly when there is a happy ending. Perhaps my story can provide the same for others; information, inspiration, hope, understanding, faith, and laughter.

Here goes....Here's to unwavering hope, God, faith, and the miracle of science.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey.

IVF Consult--we are down on a list...

Tonight was pretty emotional...as I write this I have tears in my eyes.

We went to our IVF consult and met w/ one of the doctors who will be part of this journey...One of 4 Dr. Hope(s). It is official (well not until I write the $$$$$ check)

How is it that I can feel soooo incredibly excited, incredibly terrified, and sooooo incredibly anxious all at the same time?

I have so much hope that we will conceive our baby (babies) this summer.

I want to believe with every fiber of my being that this will be the road of success for us...after so many dead ends.

(side note) My heart was breaking tonight for 2 women who were seen before my husband and I...they were both crying, separately unbeknownst to each other. My heart was breaking for them b/c all I could think of is the pain they are going through...the all familiar heartbreak and mourning of how you always imagined your reproductive story would be....

The human spirit is so amazing, though cause we adjust and adapt and survive.

I said a couple of prayers for them....what I wanted to do was hold their hand and cry with them but for some reason there is this unspoken rule about being quiet and somber in the clinic. There are suttle smiles and avoidance of giving eye contact...you look anywhere else.

The Dr. said that out of all the patients I have a huge advantage, my age is a factor that definitely helps our cause...I hope w/ all of my heart that this is true.

The injections list and IVF protocol is scary but informative. We have a plan... we have a map to follow. This cycle is my last natural before IVF...which means that at the end of this cycle I begin BCP's and then Lupron injections.

I'm exhausted and am still processing all of the information.

Mother's Day

I am surprisingly hopeful on this day.

I am thankful for the technology available that will help us realize our dreams of starting our family.

I am grateful for our jobs that will allow us to pay for IVF. Still diff. but not impossible.

I feel good this Mother's Day. I hope that next year around this time I'll be a new mommy.

I am optimistic about IVF and hope that our day will soon come!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms and Mommys to be (especially those who have overcome IF).

I'm Expecting 5 cysts...Not quite what I expected...

So during a typical trip to the RE...after the all familiar magic wand was used...Dr. Hope found 5 cysts. This was supposed to be an uneventful, where do we go from here type of meeting.

Dr. Hope does not seem concerned and said they should be gone by next cycle. I hope so cause this was not something we were expecting.

We have an IVF consult on May 18th and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I am so ready.

After we left the RE office all I felt was that we had graduated to the major leagues. We will do whatever it takes.

I just haven't met you yet...

I don't know what it is about this song....it speaks to me. Apparently, as I've read other blogs other IFers feel the same way. I LOVE this song! It makes me feel happy!

Here is the song w/ lyrics

Here she blows...

So yesterday the bitch reared her ugly head. I am not hurting as I have in the past...although I am getting tired of the disappointment.

I am so tired of the ups and downs of this horrible rollercoaster. I have an appointment w/ my RE tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn cause I refuse to take any more days off of work for this right now. Work is my life force...its what's keeping me sane. I can't have another day in my head.

I am so tired of taking pregnancy tests w/ the hope that somehow maybe somehow I'll be one of those urban legends you hear about that get pregnant while preparing for IVF. Of course, this is not the path I'm on.

For whatever reason, beyond my understanding, these are the circumstances we've been presented with. The tough decisions that have to be made...the tears that have to be shed...the mental and emotional adjustments one has to make...the bank account that will be depleted all in hopes for an opportunity to bring a miracle baby into this world.

Will I ever be on the other side of this looking back? I miss who I was before this. I'm changed. We both are. Nothing is going to change that. Infertility is now a part of who we are but will parenthood be as well?

What IF...

This is hard. This list has been silent in my heart and in my head for so long...

What if I never really know how my husband's MFI has affected him or how its changed him?

What if I never get to hold my sleeping baby in my arms?

What if I never get to hold a little hand that trusts me to care of it?

What if I never hear "Mommy"?

What if I never get to right the wrongs of my childhood by imparting all the love I have to give to my child?

What if IF gets the best of us?

What if we never conquer infertility?

What if we are one of those couples who try and try and have many unsuccessful IVF's?

What if after all this waiting we finally are able to get pregnant and I miscarry?

What if I never recover from this heartbreak?

What if I never regain who I was before IF?

What if I never feel "whole"?

What if my husband never gets to hold our child in his arms?

What if we never experience reading -Pregnant- on the pregnancy test?


*********************************************************

What if IVF is it for us?
What if we never took the chance?
What if we lived in a different time and place, would we have been childless?
What if in 3 short months, I will be with child after all the tears and heartache?
What if in 3 short months, I finally cry tears of joy?
What if by this time next year, I will be pregnant or almost due?

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home&JServSessionIdr004=hxvjo80s02.app246b

Waiting but Doubtful

I am waiting for AF. Currently in the 2ww. This month I didn't feel confident about our timing w/ my ovulation or w/ the IUI...I did have 3 (maybe 5--2 small ones) eggs though, thanks to Clomid. I'm not holding my breath for this one.

It's ok though. I think I've finally accepted that IVF is the path we will be traveling. I just hope that our baby(s) will meet us on the other side. I will be meeting Dr. Hope on May 5th and we'll be discussing where to go from here.

This year and a half has not been easy but I am hopeful that someday soon we may see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just Relax (sing songy voice)

Today I happened to mention to my 37 year old assistant principal (who is currently pregnant after 2 months off of BCP)that my husband and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant and she said...wait for it...

"You just have to relax...just enjoy your time together and relax....also you should buy those (rambling a little b/c bless her heart, Ms. Fertile, she didn't have the lingo down) ovulatory or ovulation sticks." I smiled and said "yeah, we've used them." What I truly wanted to say was I know every name brand and kind there is and have used ALL of them...including the mother of ALL--the $200 beauty ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.

Every person that conceives easily uses this phrase. My hair dresser said "Just have a couple of glasses of wine and have fun." She having said that she counted to her cycle day 14 and she had sex and that was it!"

I hate the assumptions that are made regarding ttc. It so strange that people's first reaction when hearing one is having difficulty is "just relax"---where the fuck did everyone learn to use that as the token phrase?

As if relaxing is something that's never occurred to me. "Wow, your right, Sherlock! I hadn't considered relaxing through this process." As if relaxing is really all that is required to conceive. Fuck relaxin'---I'm off that boat....I'm way over on the other side of relaxing...with the other realists that know that stress can affect many things but conception of a child is not one of them.

Relaxing is not going to make my husbands' sperm penetrate my egg...there is no audio soundtrack of Enya's best hits playing in my womb when I try to meditate and take deep breaths. This is out of my control and the sooner I tell myself that the less feelings I have about it being my fault....the less guilt I have about thinking that I'm doing something wrong.

So fuck relaxing....I'm going to take this as it comes. If I want to cry, then I'll have myself a good long pity party. If I want to be mad at the world and it's injustice, then to hell it with it...I will. But one thing I will not tell myself is "just relax" (sing songy voice).



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