Lessons Learned...

So here we are again.

The waiting was so difficult. We should be used to this feeling by now. I guess it doesn't get any easier.

I have finished my bcp's. Tomorrow I will be going in for my baseline bloodwork.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of our second chance.

There are some lessons we learned:

Keep it private:I am naturally an open book. As I was in the throes of finding out about our reasons for not conceiving, I couldn't help but talk to others. I wanted information. I wanted testimonials of success. I wanted to know I wasn't alone. I got a lot of what I wanted but I also reaped the consequences of that. People asked questions...people gave opinions. We were pretty open with our family as well. I had mixed feelings about this because I wanted our family's prayers & support but I also felt like our life was out there for everyone. This made it so difficult when we had to share the bad news. Everyone was so encouraging but we don't want to put ourselves out there like that again.

The Rollercoaster Effect: In all of my reading of other's experiences through IVF, everyone has had ups and downs through their process. There are some appts. where you leave on top of the world....there are others where you think its over. This time around I am better prepared for what this is like.

Accept the things you can't change & make the best of what you can: This lesson speaks for itself.

P.U.P.O I will not utter these words again. The heart's desire is great...it drives you to want to believe with all of your being that you are pregnant at the moment of transfer. I will be more cautious the next time around--if only to perserve our sanity.

This time around it feels good to go through this privately. It's too important.

This time around we are wiser,stronger, more fearless. We pray that this will be it.

So I've been silent...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not as though I haven't been lurking other blogs, it's just that I really have nothing to say.

There is nothing to say...just waiting. Waiting...and more waiting.

I started school a week and 1/2 ago and have been super busy. Mentally, this is a plus. I've been able to redirect my thoughts.

Funny, though...recently I've taken to crying hysterically. The type of crying Oprah affectionately refers to as "the ugly cry." It kind of takes over me and I can't say I see it coming.

It tends to happen mostly when I'm driving home from work. I think this is because I am living the life of two people. In one life I play the role of someone all put together. The other life is where I am longing for a dream that seems so very far away. I get in my car and feel overwhelmed by emotions. Putting on a brave face takes it's toll.

Being in my line of work it's difficult to make a clean break from thinking about children...children are an integral part of my career. This year I've got a couple of little girls in my classroom that are completely sweet and are constantly giving me hugs. To say I love their affection is an understatement.

Today, I was showing my kids a powerpoint presentation to share a little about myself and my life. I showed them a family picture where it was apparent (I thought mostly to me) that my husband and I were the only ones without children. Innocently, one of my students ask, "Don't you have any children?" I said, "No, not yet." Another child asked, "Do you want to have children?" I was taken aback by being asked such poignant questions by my 6-7 year olds. Questions that hurt my heart. "Yes, I'd love to. Hopefully someday." Then another child said "Then you'll be one of those teachers who has a huge belly (little arms outstreched in front of her)." I smiled at her and shook my head as I thought...from your lips to God's ears, I thought.

I am living with pain that comes and goes. In fact, there are times when my husband and I are laughing and joking around that I think remember this, see, despite everything...you still smiled.

There are days that I'm certain that someday our day will come and there are other times when everything seems so uncertain.

I am living with hope. I am also living with a broken heart.

Why are you not pregnant?

Why are you not pregnant? Ahh yes...a question we've asked ourselves many heartbreaking times.

Today I went in to my clinic for bloodwork and for a sonohystogram. A couple of days ago I officially got the ok to start on BCP for our IVF cycle.

I went in to get the sonohystogram done which I was very nervous about because the last time I got an HSG done it was incredibly painful. I thought today would be much of the same but it turned out to be ok. Only hurt a little because of the cramping.

Sonohystogram (check) BCP (check) No cysts = green light (check)

I then went in for my bloodwork. The other day I got a call from one of the IVF nurses and she said "Hi, just wanted you to fast on the morning of your appointment because Dr. Hope noticed your prolactin levels were on the high side." I was like, "my what?" She repeated "prolactin levels" and I said, "what is that?" and she repeated "prolactin" as if I'm supposed to know what on earth she is talking about. When I asked her again, "yes what is prolactin (apparently I needed to be very clear)? She said it's just one of the hormones we test. I got off the phone thinking...great my prolactin levels are high. It's just funny what this infertility process is like.

I went from having non-eventful doctor appts. my whole life to finding out something new about my body in every visit...usually they haven't been great news. So far the only positives I have are that I'm young and so are my eggs. But for some unknown reason I don't have many and my hormones are out of whack. WTF?

Anyway, as I was getting my bloodwork done in walks my first Dr. Hope (the Chief of the clinic who we started this journey with by doing IUI's.) When our 3 months of trying IUI proved unsuccessful he assured my husband and I that we will be pregnant by this summer. His confidence was contagious and I remember telling him "I hope so" and he looked me in the eyes and said "oh, you will." Then reiterated all of the positive factors we have on our side, namely my age.

So today my original Dr.Hope said "How are you?" I answered that I was ok. He said "what are you in for?" I saw his face perhaps thinking that today was BETA day. Oh my friend how mistaken you are... I said, "I'm in today to start up my second IVF cycle. I said the first one didn't work." He asked me the question that has been hanging over my husband and I for the past month... "Why are you not pregnant?" he said in what one might interpret as a demanding tone...as if I had willed my body to not let implantation happen. I said, "I don't know why. We had an embryo that had a grade of AA and one with AB. They were excellent quality they just didn't stick."

The nurse then agreed "you should've gotten pregnant." In the back of my mind I was thinking-- uhh yeah that was the general idea. As Dr. Hope walked away I said, "I hope we have better luck with our second cycle," I smiled. He nodded his head and went in to see another patient. I can't help feeling like I was being scolded for something.

Our clinic and its doctors have been mostly encouraging about our chances. I've been cautiously optimistic but I am not a typical 27 year old apparently. It is what it is.

On the flip side, my husband and I have a resolve that gives me peace and that it is very simply...we will keep trying...whatever it takes. It's that simple. It's that important to us. We have resolve, acceptance, and hope.

Someday it will all be worth it.

Starting Over

Tomorrow we will be meeting with Dr. Hope to get a sonogram and to start me on birth control pills if all goes well. I am hoping that we are given the green light.

I've heard this been described before by other women and now I understand...

The waiting is so difficult. Women who go through many cycles of IVF describe this. The ups and downs of coming off a cycle and beginning another one. I am anxious to get started with this cycle but also scared.

I feel renewed and wiser this time around. I have begun meditating and practicing yoga. I'm glad that I found something that for me has been life changing and helps me to calm my anxiety and is giving me tools that help me deal with stress. I guess I can thank the experience of infertility for that...hmmm never thought I'd say that.

I am excited but am beginning to feel the nervousness I did the first time around when I think of all that is at stake. I now know what it's like to be on the other side of this...to have so much hope and to have to face the reality that despite everything that was positive (2 beautiful embryos) we still didn't get our positive.

It's scary to be getting on this rollercoaster again but I have to believe that this time it will be different. I choose to believe that it will. What else do I have but to have faith and hope?

Dreams

All throughout this journey I've wanted to have dreams...if at least to see myself pregnant or holding our child in my arms.

You would think that I'd be dreaming about this constantly being as it seems to be all encompassing in my life.

A couple nights ago I had a dream that my husband and I were in the hospital. I was in labor and felt a lot of pain. But the funny thing was that initially I was not aware that I was pregnant. The nurse gave me a reassuring look and said something like "We're ready." The acknowledgement that I was not only pregnant but that I would be giving birth to this long-awaited miracle was truly overwhelming. The kind of dream where you are crying and realize when you wake up that you are still crying. My husband's face was priceless. The certainty that the struggles of this journey had been fruitful was more than my heart could take. I was incredibly happy at the thought that we would be holding our child in a little while.

Last night, I had a dream that I was holding this little infant but something was trying to take it away. The baby was wrapped in a blanket. In my dream I kept trying to find quiet and safe places to hold and kiss this baby. This dream was so strange.

Anyway, this waiting period is very difficult. I should be very familiar with this. I'm anticipating going back to work and am a little anxious. I think getting back into the grind will be good for me mentally. I'm a little anxious about hearing "news" from women I work with. Like guess who's pregnant? Not to mention that a few of my closest colleagues knew about our plans to do IVF during the summer. I don't know how to approach this if it comes up. If they ask me how I'm doing or how did it go? I know it's my business and no one elses. I think this time I will be much more private. Any suggestions?