Emotional Day (may want to skip me today)

Today, I am feeling emotional about this process.

Today I am so scared to get emotionally invested in this cycle only to be disappointed and left heartbroken once again. For close to 2 years, this has been our experience.

Today I am worried about all the things that could go wrong before and during our IVF cycle. I'm worried about getting a BFP but only to miscarry later on. When do you allow yourself to be happy?

Today I am in awe of how miraculous conception is. The amount of things that need to go right. The fact that conception happens without medical intervention is simply amazing and beyond me. What a precious gift it is to be able to carry your child in your womb and even more precious when the child is born healthy.

Every baby is a complete miracle.
Today I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of losing my "normal." The idea of having a child has consumed me for the better part of 2 years. I'm emotionally spent.

Today I felt like all of the feelings (the excitement, the bonding, the love, the nurturing)that I have been longing to feel...the knowledge that my child is growing inside of me...All of this feels so far away. It hurts me to think that this may all be things I never experience. Maybe I'll never know what this feels like. Sometimes I feel like our time will come and other times I doubt that we'll ever get the chance.

I have moments when I step outside of myself and catch myself staring out my window, fazing out...lost in my thoughts. I am a shadow of who I was. I miss the naive-happy--go-lucky me. This experience has made me grow up and has tainted me in a way. I don't look at things in the same way anymore. This has caused a trauma.

Today my heart grieves for all of the broken dreams of parenthood out there. It is so unjust to see how many wonderful, capable, loving women (& husbands) are longing to become parents. There have been several women this week that have gone through loss and my heart just breaks for them. Why? This journey can be so unjust and can be so cruel.

Maybe its the waiting...pretty sure, its the hormones....definitely a combination of both.

Update: Lu*pron side effects: Holy Hot Flashes (check), Headaches (check), Emotional Basketcase (check). Ugh!

Therapeutic Music:
Scroll down to my music to Rob Thomas' Someday. It is such a great song...take a listen to the words....it speaks to me at this moment

Holy Hot Flashes!

Today was very interesting in terms of side effects. I had lunch with my best friend and we decided to eat outside. My best friend had her hair down and a thicker shirt than I did and she was fine. Normally, I am always cold. Well, today I had to skimp down to a tank top with my hair in a bun and I felt pure heat rising. I knew this had something to do with Lu*pron because I never feel that hot,ever.

So I felt like a menopausal woman. This made me feel so guilty for making fun of my mother as she went through menopause and had hot flashes. Yikes, it's biting me in my a**. Driving home, my AC was blasted on high while I wore a tank top. So funny!

On a happier note, my period is coming. I feel it coming. WooHoo!! For the past 2 years getting a visit from Aunt Flo was always unwelcomed and disheartening. This time around, I am counting the days. Once I get my period, I've been instructed to come in on that Thursday or Friday for my baseline bloodwork and for instructions for the stim injections. It's moving along.

Acupunture???

To acupunture or not to acupunture?

I am trying to decide what my "care and relaxation plan" will be.

There are things I definitely plan to do:

Yoga and meditation (a must for me)

What are people's thoughts on acupunture?

I am trying to determine whether or not I should get it since so many IF'ers seem to get acupunture.

I don't know if I'll like it. What's it like?

Topsy Turvy, a metaphor for IVF

Our "embies"



Over the last month or so my husband has taken on a new project. He has been wanting to grow vegetables,mainly tomatoes. After much talk and snickering on my end, he bought the As Seen on TV "Topsy Turvy."

As soon as he began we noticed correlations between the process for growing tomatoes and IVF.

1. Plant the best looking seeds in a pot. Prepare the Topsy Turvy for transfer. (In our case, hopefully the best eggs are in my "pot" and my womb is preparing for transfer soon!)
2. In the interim the plants are being given fertilizer daily, water, and sun. (In our case, I'm given Lu*pron & Stims daily in order to help fertilize me!)
3. The seeds will grow for about 2-3 weeks in the pot and will need to be retrieved.(In our case, we will be "growing eggs" for about 8-12 days during stims).
4. Retrieval Time! Only the best plants will be chosen--we chose the 3 healthiest most mature plants to be retrieved because of their higher chances of bearing fruit.
(In our case, we hope to retrieve enough eggs to increase our chances of bearing fruit)
5. Transfer Time! Mature plants are now transfered into the waiting Topsy Turvy that has been receiving sunlight in preparation for the transfer. (In our case, hopefully 2 mature embryos will transferred into my uterus which has been receiving PIO shot in preparation for transfer)
6. Now we wait a couple of weeks to see if the roots will implant and take hold of the soil. (In our case, we wait a couple of weeks to see if our embryos take hold and implant themselves in my uterus.)
7. In approx. 2 weeks we should get signs of success. (In our case, you get the point)

I will keep you posted on the growth of our tomatoes.



Our "transfered embies"

Crazy,eh? I know!!! Just go with me on this one. You gotta admit, the similarities are uncanny!

(By the way, I hope no one deems me insensitive. I know IVF is in no means as trivial as growing tomatoes. I just thought I'd add a little humor to our experience).

Addicted...

My name is A and I am addicted to injections...

For the first time in this crazy rollercoaster there is something we can actually do. This thought amazes me to the point that I want to come home and get another shot. I feel so excited about actually having a real chance at conceiving. Any time we tried before, the odds were so low. Now it feels like we have somewhat of a leveled playing field.

I am going into this very realistically--even if the 1st time doesn't work (or 2nd, or 3rd...) I am so incredibly happy to actually be doing something constructive. We are aiding the process in some way.

I am LOVING the morning injections. We are both actually giddy afterwards. I know, crazy!!!

Reactions so far: I get hot flashes for about 20 minutes after the shot but other than that it's been a piece of cake. The needle is tiny and all I feel is a pinch. Regardless of the needle size and level of pain...we are determined to do whatever it takes.

Counting the hours till I can aid this process again! Come on Lu*pron!!!

Happy ICLW!

This is my second month participating and have found the women who share their stories to be so incredibly strong and brave. I stand in awe and filled with love for all of us going through this sisterhood of unfortunate events together. Thank you for sharing your journey and being a source of inspiration. Knowing you are all out there, a network of women who know exactly what I'm going through is invaluable to me.

Welcome one and all to my IVF journey!

Lu*pron Easy Breezy

This is a picture of life as we know it from now on: O.J. (check), vitamin water (check),bread (check), eggs (check), Lu*pron (check)... too funny!

Yesterday evening we had my last appointment before we started injections. My beloved cysts shrunk to under 10 mm so I was super happy to be given the green light. As Dr. Hope walked out she was reminding me how I will begin injections and how I will be coming in a couple of weeks to begin the stims and be monitored. I said "So its go time!" She laughed and said "Yes, it's go time!" LOVE IT!!!

So last night we received our order of Lu*pron. I cannot tell you how completely ecstatic I was. As strange as this sounds, I couldn't wait for my injection. There is finally something that we can do. Something we can control in this rollercoaster!

This morning I woke up a slight bit nervous but mostly roaring to go. I kept telling myself "I can do this!" The injection was a breeze and my husband was so great. He is so even keel that it puts me completely at ease. In fact, he injected me and I was like "That's it? Did it go in?" Granted the needle is tiny...these are small feats, I'm going to allow myself to be proud of us anyway. Now we wait for reactions like hot flashes, headaches, and mood swings(can't wait for this!)

There is something about me that I am trying to resolve and that is that I am a chronic worrier...it runs in my family. I am vowing to myself to take a different perspective for the 1st time in my life. My outlook and positivity is so important to my sanity through this process. Whatever the outcome of this, I want to look back thinking I didn't stress the way I ALWAYS do. I came up w/ coping mechanisms.

School is over in a couple of days. I will be taking part of a summer school program that will keep me busy enough to not go stir crazy but will be laid back enough that I can make all of my appointments. I have begun doing meditation and yoga. I feel relaxed and open for all that lies ahead. For the first time in my life, I will not allow myself to be driven by anxiety and worry.

I pray that my faith, my determination, and positivity will help me stay focused on the prize.

These Words Spoke to My Heart

I discovered this poem over at Laura's blog (Please Let This Be It) a fellow IComLeavWer. Such beautiful words that I'm sure ring true to so many of us.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

It's definitely beginning to feel real...

Our wallet and bank account is slowly depleting so its definitely feeling real...This is really happening...

This week we reached some goals:

*We were approved for the Attain IVF program where we will be given 4 cycles (2 fresh & 2 frozen) to get the result of a "take home baby."

*We paid an obscene amount of money upfront already which in itself was mixed bag of emotions. We are so grateful that we could pay for IVF, yet I just had a flashback of simpler times in this process. When buying a $200 ovulation predictor seemed a bit excessive...when IUI was option...but i'm glad we are where we are because we are closer today then we ever have been. The realization of this is very exciting.

Patience is important. Today is a good day.

BTW: Music is therapeutic for me so I've decided to add a soundtrack of songs that speak to me during this process. Feel free to skip around or mute my playlist if you so desire. For those of you who don't mind, I hope the words of these songs speak to you as well.

Trial of Transfer

So I've decided not to blog daily until things really get cooking. I have been put on BCP for a couple more weeks therefore things are going slllllooooowww.

I had my trial of transfer today. Everything went great and the nurse (and everyone else I've asked) was right. It felt just like an IUI. Slight cramping but other than that, all is good. The trial of transfer or as the nurse referred to it as "when the kids come home," was a breeze hopefully more things will go like this.

One more thing to check off the list.

Oh, the patience one must have every step of this process. My nurse was cute...she said its only preparation for the patience one needs for children. I told her that I have an idea of the patience required being that I hang out with 7 to 8 year olds all day.

And on that note...must get back to report cards!

Beauty for Ashes

My relationship with my husband is always evolving. We have been together for 10 years and I am so thankful for our love. We have had a pretty picture perfect relationship. I am married to my favorite person in the world.

Nonetheless,over the last couple of months, we have been arguing and having these explosive fights...it's been exhausting. All of my insecurities, fears, and doubts about my marriage and relationship have surfaced. At times we've both questioned whether we should be trying to have a baby b/c of our constant arguing. I am married to the most patient person in the world. No one is perfect but Lord knows its not always easy to love me.

For some unknown reason I feel like I'm being made to confront all of my baggage. I can't help but feel as though God is working on me. I'm being molded and shaped...I'm preparing myself and our relationship for this very important next step in our journey together.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me...(He will) bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release them from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61

I believe in God's promise. I'm just riding this wave right now but I know that God is here. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted this as our path. I'm ready to open my arms again to faith. I am believing that he'll give my husband and I beauty for ashes.

Polished Teeth and A Jab at the Heart

Everything that requires long term planning is linked to my desire to achieve a healthy pregnancy.

Case in point: I had a routine dentist visit, when my dentist mentioned I'll be back in December for my 6 month cleaning. All at once her voice became a faded sound (like the waugh waugh waugh from Charlie Brown). All I could think of is "I wonder if I'll be pregnant by then?" and "Imagine I come back w/ a big ole' belly??" I'd be over the moon happy.

She shook me from that little daydream when she asked me a perfectly innocent question as she went to give me my x-rays "You are not pregnant, right?" At that moment I felt a jab at my heart and a lump in my throat.

You ladies know the kind I'm speaking of. These moments I liken to when I was told to "just relax and it'll happen" or "Guess who's pregnant?" or "It just happened. We weren't even planning it!" and so many other moments like these. I'm sure we all have a collection of these stories.

Anyway, I answered pretty abruptly, "No." I guess it came out a little defensive but she then said "Oh just checking cause you know we can't do the x-rays if you were. Great! You're not pregnant. Let's go on to the x-rays." Great!

Sigh...when will these little moments not get to me. Nonetheless, I walked out with polished teeth and a jab at the heart!

Miss Info...

Right now I'm ravenous for information....I've been holding on to the little I can control and staying on top of any appts. that need to be made. My husband and I are figuring out finances being as the big payment will be needed in a couple of weeks.

So as it turns out I was supposed to start Lupron next week. Because of my work I can't come in every other day for bloodwork just yet. I'm an elementary school teacher and am bogged down by progress reports, reading record cards, permanent record cards, and report cards. Needless to say June is a very busy month; tying all loose ends. Therefore, I will be continuing my BCP's until the 29th. I will be going in next Tuesday for my trial of transfer.

Lupron begins June 22. I cannot begin to explain how freakin' excited I am to get this party started. By party, I mean getting shot up w/ hormones, obviously : )

I tell you, it is the oddest things that rock my boat recently. The highlight of my day today was going through my tentative schedule for IVF. Woohoo! There's a mapped out plan. Just the way I like it!

Today is Day 8 on BCP's. Keep keepin' on!