Our little miracle is here

Baby Elliot is here and he has stolen our hearts. I am completely in love with our baby boy.

Sleep deprivation, round the clock feedings, 3 in the morning feedings are all sweeter because we worked so hard for him.

We feel so blessed to have him in our lives!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Contemplating on the days to come....

I pray that I will never forget the heartache and hardships we went through to get to this point. During the sleepless nights to come, the exhaustion, the unexpected, the joy and love...may I never forget. God is faithful and good.

I love these words.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

More Pics

Our ottoman and glider. This is also our reading nook.

Our Neo:

His coming home outfit:

All that's missing is Neo. Can't wait!

Nursery Pics

9 1/2 Months and counting

I am 9 1/2 months pregnant...waiting for our little boy.

Seems as though he is content in me and not ready to come out just yet. This is fine with me because I've loved being pregnant. I've enjoyed and remembered to be grateful for each second of it. I was born for this!

Everything is ready for his arrival. Car seat is installed, nursery is done, laundry is clean and folded. We have everything in place now. I started my maternity leave 1 1/2 weeks before my due date, in case I would go earlier. My job is 40-45 minutes away from the hospital so I didn't want to take a chance.

Now, I'm just taking it slow and waiting for the big day. It's seems so hard to believe that after everything we've been through...our little guy is almost here.

I've been taking this time to just reflect on how far we've come. Interestingly enough, as we were running around this past weekend getting last minute things, our clinic called to get an update on us. They wanted to know if we had already delivered. I have to say hearing the nurses' voice again and knowing we were speaking under different circumstances got me all choked up. It doesn't take much.

I know people say that time heals all wounds but mine are still fresh...it makes me so incredibly grateful to be where we are right now.

I am so grateful to God. A year ago today we were getting ready to start our second round of IVF that would lead to another negative result. Today, we are waiting for our precious miracle to arrive. As I'm writing this, he is kicking and moving...it's as if he can feel the utter happiness and joy that is floating around him.

Neo, soon we will meet you and get to see your beautiful face. Mommy and Daddy love you more than words can say.

Feeling so incredibly grateful...

I sit here reflecting on this journey and feel so incredibly grateful to be pregnant. This little miracle growing and moving inside me. Everyday I feel his kicks and his gentle pressure and I feel like I'm walking in a dream. I longed so much to be at this place....I am so happy!

God is so good! Everyday I wake up and look at my belly and send a prayer of thankfulness to God for this gift.

I absolutely love being pregnant!!! I feel fantastic but even if I didn't you wouldn't hear me complaining. I have waited my whole life to be exactly where I am today so I am soaking every minute of this miracle.

On a funny note, I have developed a very interesting relationship with bathrooms...i will literally scour any location for one. The last bathroom I went to consisted of a basement/back room dungeon looking bathroom in a mini-mart. I am finding this to be quite funny! Gotta do what I gotta do! : )

I've been waiting to fill one of these out!

How far along: 24th Week

Total Weight Gain: 14 lbs

Symptoms: I LOVE being pregnant so far be it for me to start listing things that are just part of pregnancy but...heartburn comes and goes in waves but only at night time. Other than that, I feel fantastic.

Maternity Clothes: Yes...definitely need to now. There is no hiding this pregnant belly! Thanks to my bestie and my sister in law I have not had to buy much! I did buy some maxi dresses though b/c I always loved the way they looked but I always saw them as maternity style. I couldn't do that and risk people wondering if I was or not. Too painful! But NOW I will be rocking these dresses!

Stretch Marks: No! Thank goodness! I'm lathering up!

Sleep: Is better now that I have added my friend, the body pillow. I have woken up on several occasions with leg cramps. Not fun!


Best Moment Last Week: We've slowly been receiving clothes and other hand me downs over the last couple of weeks. One of the things we received was a little bouncer, which my niece used when she was a baby. Well I sat and looked at the bouncer and I lost it. I started crying at the realization that we are really in this place...we are going to be parents. My husband and I are so grateful to be at this point. I feel so thankful and blessed.

Movement: All the time and I LOVE IT!!!!

Food Cravings: ICE CREAM!!!

What I Miss: Nothing compares to this...I can sacrifice whatever I need to!

What am I looking forward to: I'm just enjoying and soaking in every minute of this pregnancy.

Milestones: Hmmm...we have begun talking about the baby shower....

How is Daddy? He is so excited...he keeps making plans. I love it when he places his hand on my belly and talks to Neo. I just can't wait for him to be a daddy!

I'm so in love....

I realize I've been walking around in love. It is hard to concentrate. It is hard to think about other things. I'm so in love.

I love my baby so much and I haven't even met him/her yet. It's pretty amazing. I walk around with the knowledge of this miracle growing inside me.

Pregnancy is miraculous...all the things that need to happen. It makes one realize that every life is a miracle...not to be taken for granted.

I've been feeling the baby move and my heart fills with love...my eyes fill with tears. After all the heartbreak and pain, it feels so wonderful to feel our miracle baby moving inside me.

We are so grateful. I'm beginning to allow myself to think/dream/hope beyond today.

We went last Monday to our 20 week ultrasound and everything is looking good. We wanted to find out the sex of the baby but be able to have an authentic experience so we asked the ultrasound tech to write down the sex in a paper which we placed in an envelope. We went home and opened the envelope together. It was so cool doing it this way...we were able to be comfortable & experience all the emotions and reactions in our home (and capture our reaction on video).

So....Neo is a....BOY!

We are so happy! I knew it was a boy. I guess my mother's intuition is in check!

So in love w/ our baby boy!

What? Really? How come no one ever mentioned this?

What? Really? How come no one ever mentioned this?

So I went in for my appt. w/ my ob thinking it had been a month since I saw Neo and I was excited.

We walk in to the examination room and there is no sonogram machine. When my doctor came in I asked her where the machine is? are we not seeing Neo today?

She said, no. The next time we will see Neo will be at the 20 week scan. Then if everything, God willing, is okay that will be it. What???

Why have I assumed all this time that you can see your baby everytime you had a doctor's visit??? Why has no one ever mentioned this?

No wonder I've heard of people paying for sonograms...ay!

Well, this settles it...we will definitely be getting a 3D-4D ultrasound!

I realize that if we don't need additional ultrasounds, than that's an indication that everything is okay. I'm not complaining just completely and utterly surprised!

In any case we have 3 more weeks before we see Neo once more.

Here is our last ultrasound:

Under Construction...

A New Season in My Life calls for a new look for my blog.

Pardon the appearance. : )

Can Women Have It All?

Since I am coming upon my second trimester and beginning to show, I decided to tell my boss that I'm pregnant. I am fortunate enough to be able to take a year off and still be able to return to work and be guaranteed a position in my school. I feel very grateful to have that option. There is a part of me that wishes I could be a stay at home mom, especially after waiting so long...I don't want to miss a moment.

My husband and I looked at our finances and realized that it would be tight but we could make it work for a year. Where we go after that, I guess we'll have to wait and see...

I am so grateful to be in this place where we have to realistically make these decisions. It feels bittersweet.

So the question I've been thinking about....Can women have it all?
Marriage + Baby + Career-- I sure want it all but suspect that "mommy guilt" I've heard so much about might be present. I am a worrier...a planner...hence these are the things I'm thinking about.

On another happy note on Monday we went for our ultrascreen and everything looked good. Neo was waving and moving around quite a bit. I have to post Neo's picture on my next post. It's still sinking in. So amazingly surreal...the ultrasound technician placed the probe or wand (whatever its called) on my belly and there he/she was...amazing! I could cry just thinking about it.

Today we were in toy*s*r*u*s* buying a birthday gift for my nephew and my husband suggested we browse through the baby section. I have not allowed myself to go there yet. I don't know if It's "normal" but it just feels like it hasn't fully sunken in yet. I also haven't allowed my heart to go there. But today we just walked down the sections and I have to admit...I started getting emotional. The second I walked in to the section...I believe my exact words were, "Wow! I can't believe we are here!" All this time I purposely looked away or avoided these sections of stores.

I am so grateful. I'm going to be someone's mommy. Is this real?

The Miracle of Neo

For those who have followed my blog...surprise!

I am 12 weeks pregnant. I was keeping the news close to my heart and didn't want to post anything because there are people close to me in real life that read this blog. It was too precious to share just yet.

Today we shared our news with the last bit of family. It was so beautiful and everything I could've hoped. My husband and I are so blessed to have family who genuinely love us and rejoice in our happiness. Our family has cried with us, prayed for us, shared in our longing. We are so grateful.

Today, I was able to begin to believe that this is real...I am still processing this gift. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is about Neo. I wake up with a smile with the understanding that this little being is growing and is safe in my womb.

There are really no words to describe the amount of gratitude we feel.

My husband...now that is someone I can fill pages of a book about. He is so beautiful. His heart is slowly unbreaking. I've seen his eyes well up with tears of happiness and gratitude over the last 3 months. He is going to be an amazing father. Being pregnant has been restorative to us as a couple. We always grew closer after each heartbreaking attempt but it did create this sad void in us. Now, through the grace of God, we are travelling on this other road. I love him. I can't wait for him to be able to be a daddy. He was born for this.

On Monday we have our 12 week scan (Nuchal Translucency Test) and then on Thursday we get to see Neo again for my 13th week appointment.

My deepest gratitude to all who have posted encouraging messages, good wishes, and prayers along this journey. I pray that you continue to keep us in your prayers as you are in mine. Thank you.

Telling Familly About Our Miracle (Part One)

I am into my 10th week. This weekend my brother in law is coming from Texas and we have decided to share our news with my husbands' siblings. It's exciting and a little...I don't know how to explain it. It's been nice to be in our own little bubble. Once we share our news it won't just be our precious little secret. I've enjoyed the quiet smiles...the silent understanding. I know though that the knowledge of Neo means that our loved ones will pray for us and Neo.

We are excited to share the news with our family. We know that they have wanted this for us for so long. We've been planning how we are going to share the news. We bought t-shirts. My husband's shirt says 1 + 1 = 3 with a picture of a man and woman holding the hand of a child. My shirt says baby on board in pig latin.

We've been dreaming about this moment for so long. I've envisioned it so many different ways. Now though it is actually happening and the thought alone brings tears to my eyes.

I am so unbelievably grateful for every moment.

I will start publishing all of these posts next weekend, which is when we will share our news with the other part of our family.

Neo is 9 weeks and we are counting our blessings!

On Thursday,we went to my OB who I hadn't seen since last year when she sat us down for a consultation before sending off to our miracle workers.

I actually met w/ another doctor in the practice, Dr. R. Apparently, I will be seeing 4 different doctors that will be rotated so that I meet them all.

There are so many thoughts I had as I sat in the waiting room on the other side of this journey. One was disbelief, in fact, there is a part of me that still can't fully comprehend what is happening. The last time we were sitting in this very waiting room I felt such heartache and was so confused as to why we weren't getting pregnant. I prayed and hoped that everything would be okay. Later we came to find out that there was a very real reason as to why things were not happening how we'd hoped. It was devastating and numbing.

Now I sat there holding my husband's hand...feeling so incredibly grateful for every day, every symptom, every moment. I know that there is still a long journey ahead of us but we feel so grateful to have gotten to this point. We are allowing ourselves to dream...to fantasize. It's wonderful and yet so scary. It took us so long to get to this point. Neo is such a precious gift.

During our sonogram we got to see Neo and found that I was actually measuring 9 weeks when we originally thought I was 8 weeks 4 days. We will take it! Everything is looking great. The heartbeat and growth is strong. Our little Neo is a survivor!

I'm taking each day...one day at a time. Each day is such a miracle. God is faithful.

Symptoms and More Symptoms

I am feeling extremely pregnant being that I've had every pregnant symptom in the book

Nausea:comes and goes and not just in the morning (check)


Heartburn: never really had any bouts of this in my life before but I'm pretty sure its what I've been having (check)


Flatulence: which is just a nice way of saying that I am so gaseous...so gross (check) By the way, why doesn't anyone talk about this?

Tired: I could go to sleep by 6:00pm every night (check)


Hunger:ever since I first found out I was pregnant I have such HUNGER. My stomach feels like such a pit when I'm hungry. I am not a stress or comfort eater so when I'm busy I usually ignore my stomach...well,now there is no ignoring Neo. My stomach is angry at me and I feel nausea if I don't eat. (check)


Tiny baby bump. It's small and cute. It's definitely more visible at night thanks to the bloating, which I love since it makes my belly seem bigger.

If it sounds like I'm complaining...NOT AT ALL!!! I am enjoying every minute of this. I LOVE BEING PREGNANT!!! I want to soak it in.

Here is a picture of Neo, my heart at 7 weeks. My heart is slowly unbreaking.

I've Graduated!

Play the graduation music because its official. On Tuesday, at 7 weeks and 2 days preggo we graduated from our clinic, so to speak.

Today we said so long to Dr.Hope (all the nurses & other Dr. Hopes). She asked us to keep in touch.

It's exciting to think that now we begin the next chapter in our journey--that of a normal pregnant woman. Even as I say that, I know that as I sit in Dr.M's office (My Obgyn)I will never be "normal." We will never be "normal." Our lives are forever changed through this experience.

We will not look back, though because there are too many blessings to look forward to. Neo is worth every minute of this journey. We are so very grateful. We got a beautiful picture of Neo & got to hear his/her heartbeat. Dr. Hope joked that the baby must've been excited b/c his/her heart was beating so fast. Everything looked wonderful, thank God! It was so precious to hear the heartbeat again.

I never cease to be amazed at how God works in such wondrous ways. God is so good!

When they cried out to You, again, You heard from heaven. Because of Your mercy, You saved them again and again. Nehemiah 9:28

Believing in the Unseemingly Impossible

6 weeks and 5 days. Pregnant.

I have posted my pregnancy stick picture as my wall paper on my laptop. I'm still incredulous. I'm still processing. I can't believe that I have a little being growing inside of me...his/her heart beating on its own independent of mine.

I've wanted this for so incredibly long. Now that its here...I'm so happy. I'm so content...like everything that was wrong in the world is finally looking up.

I've prayed for trust and faith that this is our time. That God will bless us on this journey. This is what I've been praying for. God is so good. To Him I give all praise and glory.

A little back story:

This past cycle I had made peace with the fact that perhaps things would not work out. I had made peace about trying again w/ my eggs or moving on to DE. I even made peace about giving up the dream of having biological children (at least on my end). There was a feeling of complete and utter surrender to God's perfect will.

Therefore I was a bit less neurotic. I forgot to take my Med*rol for a couple of days, I slept on my stomach, I shoveled about 12 inches of snow, my husband and I played in the snow, I threw myself on the snow and jumped around like everything was normal. In short, I had made peace. There was acceptance.

We decided to take a pregnancy test on Sat. my beta was scheduled for Monday. We had decided we didn't want to ruin our weekend so on Sat. I woke up and peed in a cup and decided to use one of my cheap little testers. My husband was going to check it as I jumped back into bed. As I laid in my bed I just prayed to God to give us strength and help us heal. My husband said that he couldn't see the test very well. He only saw one line but wasn't sure. I decided not to play around and bust out the expensive Clear*blue digital. My husband was like, "are you sure you want to waste it?" I wanted to get a clean cut answer but I told my husband, "just don't show it to me cause I can't bear to read another NOT PREGNANT." We agreed and I plopped into bed. My husband began to brush his teeth. At this point my heart was beating really fast and I just wanted him to get back into bed with me. I heard him sniffling which he does when he tears up or begins to cry. I started to pray that God be with him and that He give us comfort. I asked, "did you look?" and he said that he did but he didn't understand something. I was thinking I dipped it for too long or too little.

He comes into bed with the test. I say "did you see it?" repeatedly. He kept saying, "I did but I don't understand something." "Let me see it," I said. PREGNANT. One word changed everything. "What does this mean?" my husband kept asking. "I don't understand. Is this real?"

We were in disbelief. I did not have the crying reaction I always thought I would have. In fact, I believe my reaction was more like, WHAT? WHAT? and "I can't believe I'm seeing these words." I could've stared at them forever. I was in shock. God is funny like that. No can surprise me...I usually am too perceptive...too suspicious. God did it. He completely pulled the rug out from under me in a miraculous turn of events.

The next day I took 3 different tests. All positive. I lined then up and we just stared at them. Pregnant. Hearts Unbroken.

When I say that my husband and I are completely and utterly grateful for this miracle...let's just say it's an understatement.

The Heart Goes Boom Boom Boom...

Today I am 6 weeks and 2 days preggers (a word I've been waiting so long to call myself).

Today we saw Neo's heartbeat and we even got a chance to hear it.

It was the most beautiful sight and sound...I wanted to stay there and watch Neo forever. It was so beautiful and precious. Dr. Hope said that everything continues to look wonderful. Dr. Hope said that she could see that we are still processing this. I agreed with her that we are over the moon but still taking it all in.

I am so incredibly happy. Just to think that I have little Neo growing and developing in me. We are so unbelievably grateful!

We are keeping this miracle hush hush for a little while. Tonight I ate a delicious meal with my aunt and uncle and had to keep this beautiful news under wraps. The meal my aunt cooked was feeding two. : )

I will post this when I'm ready to. I just wanted to record these thoughts and feelings so Neo will read it someday. How can I love you so much already? Mommy and Daddy are so happy you are here!

No news was good news!

So I have been lying low. I decided not to post anything b/c I wanted to keep the knowledge of this miracle quiet for a little while. There are people very close to me that read this blog that I was not ready to share our news with, yet. Till now.

I heard the words I always hoped I'd be able to hear. Words that are slowly sinking in.

I'm pregnant. Beta: 442

I had taken 4 tests over the weekend. All positive. To be able to read the word PREGNANT from a Clear.blue digital test...I don't have words.

Dr. Hope said, "Congratulations! You are pregnant. The Beta number is strong...it can't be twins b/c we only transfered one." Then he proceeded to give me directions of where to go from here. This is such uncharted territory.

We cannot begin to describe the emotional whirlwind this weekend has been.

.

Quiet Hope and Understanding

We had our transfer and it was what I expected once more.

We have our chance. We have hope.

More importantly though we have an understanding of exactly what the hurdles we are dealing with are. It is more serious than we thought.

We have decisions to make about where to go from here.

Those decisions are premature. The last 3 nights I've laid awake...my mind racing...trying to understand the implications...trying to come to some peace.

But like I said its too early to come to any decision. We still have our little one. Neo--our embie. I'm reminding myself to have faith.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Watching the Golden Globes Unsuspectingly...

Okay so I'm recovering from my ER and watching the Golden Globes. As I'm watching I was looking forward to certain people winning. I LOVE Natalie Portman so I was rooting for her to win. As she is reciting her acceptance speech they close up on her mother and father. Under normal circumstances this would not mean anything except that her father apparently is one of my fertility doctors.

What the What??? No wonder he told me he would definitely not be retrieving my eggs. I have no one else to share this with who I think might appreciate this....so I decided to blog about it.

Natalie Portman's dad has seen my whooha. What a completely surreal experience that was. So you know I'll be asking why he didn't do my ER. : )

I'm cooked...

Just a quick update since I've been largely MIA. I've triggered tonight in hopes of having my ER on Sunday.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks!

We are a-stimmin'!

Today is day 3 of stimms. I am starting to feel some discomfort. I know my ovaries are working as hard as they can. I am thankful for all my body is doing.

Tomorrow I have my first checkup. In the past I've gone and been a bundle of nerves. I can't help but feel pressure to "perform." Saying hello to my old familiar wand buddy and waiting to hear how many eggs my body can produce in a course of days with the help high dosages of drugs. The response has usually been "you don't produce the number of eggs one would at your age." I get it. I'm not going in with any expectation beyond the realm of possibility. I am trusting God, no matter what.

This time I will only compare myself with me. I know that all it takes is one. It doesn't matter that I have a diminished ovarian reserve...I still have the egg.

I want to believe that 2011 will be a year of overcoming challenges, of realizing dreams, of renewed belief in the positive aspects of life. I want to believe that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

I know there will be...but when?

Here's to believing that 2011 will be all that we hope it will be.