The ups and downs

Today I feel a little sad. Heartbroken. I find myself fazing out and staring out into nothing. I'm sad. I guess it goes without saying that there are days like this...where it's hard to see when we will get to the other side.

I want to skip all of this and get to the part where we are holding our miracle baby. I am believing that it will happen. It's so hard to wait.

Last night I had a dream that I was around all of these children in a playground. All the children were playing and laughing around me. Some of them were smiling at me. I don't know who they all were and why they were standing around me but all I knew was that I had this beautiful belly.I looked down and the realization of this filled my heart with such emotion. In my dream I realized that I was pregnant and that all of those children also knew I was pregnant. In my dream, my biggest, sweetest dream had come true. It made me fill up with gratitude and happiness. It was such an emotional dream...the kind where you wake up shaken by it. It was special.


I woke up to a sad feeling. I am crying as I post this but its the first time I've cried in a couple of days. It comes and goes.

My husband has been so incredible. I am so grateful to have him to go through this with. He is doing everything he can to occupy his thoughts and time. We do what we can.

We believe our day will come. For right now, we are both somber. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

It Takes a Little Time

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support. We are taking each day at a time. I haven't cried in the last 3 days. That's good, I guess.

We had our follow consult with Dr. Hope yesterday. I had a lot of questions and concerns about where to go from here. She continues to think we should keep trying because of my age. She reiterated the fact that our clinic does not cancel cycles which I'm so very grateful for. Despite everything we were still glad that we got a chance at trying even if we only had 1 embryo.

The conclusion is that although our embryos are getting high grade and are dividing nicely there seems to be something "chromosomally abnormal" with them. This may be due to the fact that we are dealing with male factor infertility as well. We can't know for sure but the way it was described is that these embryos if they were "normal" should have implanted. The fact that they are not is indicative of something not being right.

We are currently looking for second and third opinions. We are lucky enough to live in NY where there are prestigious and respected hospitals available. So I contacted one in particular and was not given an appointment until they could verify my insurance coverage. Is there something wrong with this picture? I haven't and wasnt' able to make an appointment yet. I'm still waiting for a confirmation phone call. Nice.

We keep going back and forth as to whether we want to stay in our clinic or go elsewhere. I like Dr. Hope. She is candid, honest, and I really think she is rooting for us. Most importantly though she seems to be hopeful that we can get pregnant, if nothing else but my age. I appreciate her optimism.

Right now we are trying to weigh our options and take some time to recover from this. In all reality, our favorite time is when we are cycling. The dreaded shots are the anticipated shots because it's the only thing we can do or have control over.

We are waiting once again.

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise on the wings of eagles. They will walk and not be weary. They will run and not be faint.

When will our day come?

Nothing new...just this old familiar heart breaking deep sadness. Our beta was negative.

I don't have much to say except that my heart is breaking. On Saturday, my husband woke up with this restless feeling. I told him earlier in the week that I felt my period coming so we were trying to mentally prepare. This didn't make it easier really. How do you make a heart break quietly? So Saturday, I watched the man I love break down crying in my arms. Crying out of frustration and anger and sadness. My heart couldn't take it. I just hurt for him.

This sucks. We found out that besides my 2 eggs all of the other 3-4 follicles were empty. Why?, I asked. Dr. Hope didn't know but this is something they usually see in someone who is much older. Oh, that's not good, I said. Then I proceeded to cry.

Can this be? Can my body be holding me back from our dreams?

The hardest part was talking to Dr. Hope during my lunch hour. By the way, I was crying while my student teacher walked in. I had to explain why I was a blubbering mess and told her "I'm sorry this shouldn't be part of your student teaching experience." I had to gather myself and teach 20 little 2nd graders a math lesson when all I wanted to do was hug my husband and cry. I had a numbing drive home.

We have a follow-up appointment on Thursday. Hopefully, we'll have more answers...reassurance...a plan.

I wish I could put my emotions aside while doing IVF. I would be a machine and chug along...but I can't and this is becoming emotionally taxing.

How much longer? How many more tries? When will our dream come true?

This pain...you wouldn't wish it on anyone. This longing...is unbearable. This dream...seems unreachable at times.

When will our day come?