A New Hope

I have a new hope. I look forward to a new year with blessings unimaginable. I am so thankful for all of you fellow bloggers whose dreams were realized this year. May God continue to bless you.

For all of us waiting for dreams yet to be realized may God grant us strength,determination, and mostly a heart full of unwavering hope.

The end of this year brings unexpected sadness with the passing of my grandmother. She was my nurturer, my mother in many ways. I will miss her more than I can put into words. In many ways, I now have an angel in heaven watching over us.

May this year be one filled with peace, love, and babies! God Bless You All!

All I Want For Christmas...

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment for bloodwork and sono. I should also be starting Lu*pron soon...maybe tomorrow.

Tonight it hit me that we have done this more times than I wish to talk about.
Tonight it hit me while I was cooking dinner that we are about to get on this rollercoaster again. I started to cry and cry because the truth is I'm scared. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I'm so scared of going through the disappointment, the heartache, the mourning.

On Friday night, I went out with some of my girlfriends one of which happens to be 38 weeks pregnant. I skipped out on her baby shower a month ago with a good excuse--it was my niece's birthday. I was so relieved when I found out the date conflicted with a family event because then I could avoid any and all feelings that come up at those events. My friend is so sweet, though. I couldn't help but be happy for her. As we ate dinner I watched her swollen belly as she complained about how "fat" she was getting. I told her she was not fat. I'd give anything to have that problem.
At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby hiccupping. I was like, "yeah!!" I know I must sound so corny or desperate or all of the above but it was so amazing. Not surprisingly,I am in awe with the whole concept of pregnancy. That connection...the idea of having a tiny being growing inside of you...there are no words to describe how I long to feel and experience that bond.

The truth of the matter is that I think I've come a long way from not being able to be happy for others who were expecting. It was good to see her despite the tugging at my heart. I am happy for her.

In the meantime, here we are again. My husband said that I need to take it one day at a time. I agree with him but it seems to get harder when you've been on this side of the road...you know the speedbumps up ahead...you know the hazard lanes...you know the dead end all too well.

I have nothing but faith and hope that our dreams are in God's hands. What will be, will be meant to be.

Gearing Up To Try Once More

Starting over...seems to be an idea we are all familiar with.

I am gearing up to start a new protocol Microdose Lu*pron. First cycle we did the long lup*ron, 2nd was the flare protocol. My RE asked me what I thought about going on lu*pron again. At the end of it all, even though I was over supressed I still produced two embies. I will be starting lu*pron on the 13th.

I have a spirit of complete and utter surrender. I know and understand that I cannot control any aspect of this besides the injections which ironically we consider to be the best part. I've accepted this and really feel that when we are meant to be pregnant we will be. My times are in God's hands.

I also know that I want to be positive and remain as positive as I can. We do what we can and leave the rest in God's hands.

In the meantime I began acupuncture about a month ago. I was hesistant to introduce more needles in my life but I actually love it. It is very relaxing. I also am taking Chinese herbs that look and taste like dirt. My attitude was sure I'll try it because....why not? I've got nothing to lose.

For now...more waiting.

There is a level of faith where you get what you want and you praise God but it takes a whole other level of faith to not get what you want and still praise God!

I'm still believing. I remain hopeful.