I've succumbed to the 2ww website...

Ugh...I succumbed to the 2ww website to read about early pregnancy symptoms.

I gave in and found some satisfaction if only some ideas to entertain myself with/fantasize about.

I am afraid to be hopeful for fear of getting disappointed once more.

Do I feel different? Errr...no? yes?

I feel cramping on my lower back....errr...is that a sign that I am or not?

I felt slightly nauseaus this morning...errr...am I totally imagining this?

Am I creating an alternate universe where our 2nd IUI (3 follies but low sperm count)was successful. All you need is one,right?

I want so much to believe that IUI will be our ticket to parenthood. I'm prepared to go all the way but wouldn't it be great to defy the odds and conceive.

Ms. Irrationally Hopeful is back this month...I wonder how long she'll stay?

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I've never connected with this prayer as I do now. It has a new meaning for me. It speaks to my heart.

Aunt Flo rears her ugly head...I'm heartbroken

Aunt Flo came and once again I am heartbroken. I am telling myself its okay to mourn. I sit here in tears as I write this...

Infertility can sometimes be a silent aching...as much support as I have (my dh, my best friend, my therapist)...I sit and feel alone in my heartbreak.

I find myself lost in my thoughts....I look out the window and get lost in my hopes, memories, sadness, confusion, anger. I feel in some ways like I'm a shell of who I used to be.

I go through my days as a version of myself--I am not who I was. The second I leave work and sit in my car my thoughts come back to my longing.

I read recently that infertility causes trauma. I read this in a book I'm devouring entitled "Unsung Lullabies" where the author referred to IF as "reproductive trauma". I know that I am experiencing this. This is something that became a part of my journey in this life. This is something I will never forget and I just pray that we have something beautiful come from this.

I have hope. I just ask God for strength to do what it is we need to, to bring a precious miracle into this world.

It's not your fault, honey...(male factor infertility)

Finding out that I was ok was a relief...But these are not of those moments where you are happy its not you...
My husband is the most supportive, accepting, loyal, and loving person I know. If there is anyone that deserves to be a father, it is him.
It's got to be hard to hear that you are the reason you and your wife are not able to get pregnant. It's not something you wish on anyone. What do you do with that information?
It's not his fault.
One day, shortly after we got his SA results he said "I'm sorry" I said "why" and he said "because I am making this harder for us" He doesn't talk about it much b/c we both feel the need to be positive and strong for eachother....but I know he is feeling guilty or bad about it.
It's not your fault, honey...
These words don't make it better.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/infertility-limited-women-10027763

Low Sperm Morphology? WTF???

We both went through all the tests out there to see what could be going on...
My husband got a sperm analysis and 1 1/2 weeks passed. When the doctor called with the results she began to talk and the next words I heard come from her mouth stayed swimming in my thoughts for weeks on end. It's funny (not really) how much can change in a matter of minutes.
Here I was thinking---what's the worst that could happen? maybe low sperm count?---Up until that point that it is all I ever heard could be wrong with sperm.
When the Dr. began to say the words "abnormal sperm morphology," I was so scared. What does that mean? Up until that point she had been telling us to go it natural a little longer...after those results she gave me the # to a fertility specialist and a urologist....she left me with contact info and these words...
"Your chances for conceiving naturally are very small. I'm sorry that this road may be longer that we originally thought."
Every vision I've had of making love to the love of my life and creating a life was sucked out of me....I cried...I cried for hours, days, weeks...
I cried in front of my husband...I cried in secret...I cried alone. I mourned and continue to mourn the loss of my illusions.
I am still in mourning. I'm walking the path of acceptance.
I'm grateful that we have options today. I'm grateful for the science/technology available.
There is hope.

Infertility...A word I'd never thought I'd be associated with

I will speak my heart even if I am the only one who reads this...if only to get some peace.
This experience has not been at all what I ever imagined for myself. I always thought my husband and I would decide to have a baby and that after a few months...it would just happen for us. I never imagined that it would take a YEAR...let alone to hear the word infertile.
I'm 28 years old and am a schoolteacher. Children are my life. My career is my calling. My husband works with children with autism. His love for children (particularly w/ special needs) is one of the qualities that most attracted me to him.
I can't help but feel that life can be cruel and unjust.
I hear stories everyday of people who seem to get pregnant by osmosis. Here we are purposefully trying and to no avail.
There are so many people out there who take for granted the miracle of conceiving and bringing a child into this world. It is a gift. It is a miracle from the start.
My husband and I just got our first IUI and I am currently in my 2ww. I told myself to be strong and to prepare myself for another month of disappointment...but my heart won't let me. So I hope and I dream...
And I ask...when will we be blessed?
I hope...because its the only thing I can do....
Here's to unwavering hope.