Bed Rest, Happy, & P.U.P.O

This morning I had my transfer. Two beautiful little embies were transferred which we have affectionately named Chubby & Nugget.

Dr. Hope said that we have many reasons to be hopeful.

The hardest part of the transfer was my full bladder. I could hear my Dr. prepping in the OR room for transfer and all I could think about was, let's get this show on the road so I can pee. Then once I was lying on the table the nurse used the sonogram and rubbed it on my stomach and said "Oh wow! yeah your bladder is full."

The sonogram was supposed to show the embies going in but I didn't really see it. It's ok b/c I thought it would be this magical moment of seeing a light that many describe. I was bummed about experiencing something like that without my husband (they didn't let him come in). So all in all I'm glad he didn't really miss anything.

It's very surreal to be on this side. This road was bumpy. All we kept praying for was a chance at this and God heard us. It's so amazing to internalize that I am P.U.P.O (pregnant until proven otherwise). Right now I have life floating in me.

We are just elated to have gotten to this point. Now I will trust that my body will take over and know how to take care of our embies.

I've been meditating and doing yoga throughout this cycle. It's been so incredible and has really helped to calm me.

I vow to trust this process and to take this day by day. Today we are absolutely over the moon to have a chance at having our dreams of starting our family come true.

Thank you to all who have been following our journey and praying for us. My deepest gratitude goes out to you all.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is only a dayyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaayyy! (Can you tell I'm excited?) Tomorrow morning is transfer day. I'm nervous too but I'm just trying to live this moment by moment.

We found out on Saturday that we have embryos. With male factor infertility, our biggest problem was that my hubby's sperm could not penetrate my egg(s). Even when I had a record 4-5 eggs on Clomid. Not one egg was fertilized. Imagine our excitement when we found out, through God's grace we made life. I haven't ceased in praying for these little lives that we want a chance to nurture. I want them with us. They belong with us so I am genuinely over the moon about getting the transfer. It will be the first time I have ever been this close.

Over the last couple of weeks, when thinking about the prospect of having embryos, I kept struggling about whether to remain detached to preserve my heart or allowing myself to connect with these little parts of us. I think my heart has decided for me.

Tomorrow will be emotional for us both. We have waited a long time to get this close. Despite the reality that this can end in one of two ways---one bringing us joy unimaginable, the other leaving us at square one---I don't want to think about anything other than I want them with me so that my body can take over and begin to take care of them.

I know in my core that no matter what I will be ok. My husband and I will be ok. God and I will be ok.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1



My husband and I

Egg Retrieval

Today is my egg retrieval and I'm feeling nervous and anxious. There is so much anticipation.

If anyone happens to come across my blog today, I ask that you please send us your prayers and good wishes.

We are feeling positive. We are staying positive. We have hope.

I'll update after ER.

**Update**

Egg Retrieval went well. I meditated before going this morning and that helped to calm my nerves. I was pretty calm which is HUGE for me. I would say the anticipation and waiting was probably the worst part. My husband is so amazing. He always makes me laugh when I'm nervous or anxious. He is my angel. I feel very blessed to have him as my husband.

I was out and before I knew it they woke me up and we were done. The whole process seemed to go by very quickly. I came home and rested. I feel great.

In about 15 minutes we will be doing the PIO shot. The nurses gave us a smaller needle to use since all 112 pounds of me and my a** cannot handle that looooong needle.

Whatever it takes. I am also on Medrol and Doxycycline.

We are excited and comforted by the notion that our eggs and our sperm met today. We are praying for our embryos. A nurse will call us tomorrow with an update.

Thanks so very much for your prayers!

Slow and Steady

It has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. If there is one word to describe an IVF cycle it would be unexpected. Such highs and lows.

Last night I felt so much back pain that I normally get when I ovulate. I was trying to keep the faith but a part of me was sure that I had ovulated. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck this morning during my sonogram. When Dr. Hope told me my follies were all there and that I didn't ovulate I could've kissed her. Actually I believe my exact words were "Oh Thank God! You made my day! I love you!!!" She smiled and said "you're so cute!" but she was probably thinking I was insane.

She also mentioned again the importance of quality over quantity since to date I have 3-4 follies. For all its worth, it was nice to hear. I felt encouraged.

Tonight at 11:15 pm my husband will give me my trigger shot. Egg retrieval is scheduled for this Friday at 10:15.

I continue to have faith and hope. I keep coming back to this and that is that no matter what the outcome I will not regret this. I am proud of us for coming this far.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Mixing Drugs

Tonight I started Menopur which is a drug that requires mixing as though it were a cocktail (hmm, I miss those). The needle was a little bigger than Lupron and Follistim. It hurt! I've been spoiled b/c every other injection has been a breeze. I guess its good preparation for the PIO shots.

I had another Dr.'s appt this morning. My 4 follies are growing and seem to be doing well. Their measurements are roughly 17, 15, 14, 10 (my little one that could). I am almost cooked. Egg retrieval is scheduled tentatively for this Friday. My next appointment is on Monday so hopefully we'll get a better sense by then.

Still believin' in my eggs. I pray that they are quality eggs. Keepin' the hope alive.

If you happen to come across my blog I ask that you please say a little prayer for us and our follies. Thank you so much!

Believing in my Follies

I'll keep this one short, if only just to remember what I felt and the positive state of mind I held on to.

My follies are growing...slow but steady. Today is day 7 of stims. I have 3 in the lead and 1 "very small" follie.

I believe in my follicles ability to grow. I am believing that they are quality eggs. I am believing that they will fertilize w/ ICSI. I am believing that they will be mature. I am believing that we have hope of life.

I am choosing to keep my eyes on the prize. I am choosing to be positive and hopeful. I am trying to align my thoughts to my husbands' which is "prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

Anyone who happens to visit my blog, I ask that you please say a little prayer for us. I'd appreciate it so very much. Thank you!

A Chance at this...

I had my dr.'s visit yesterday and they told me I have 4 follicles. They are small but right now I am trying to focus on the fact that it could be worse. I saw them on the sonogram. This doctor ( they circulate their doctors so on any given day who I see might change), who I love, told me he would show me everything. They have kept me on the high dosage of meds till Thursday when I have my next blood test and sonogram.

My Dr. told me that if I was 40 he would tell me to go towards getting donor eggs but because I'm young he said "we'll just keep trying." He told me that the prognosis is low for this cycle. I asked him how many follicles I should have and he said that it varies and everyone is different. He said "all we need is one." He held my hand and told me that he understands this all must be hard to hear and then he gave me a hug. He is very sensitive and empathetic, which is why I love him.

Right now they are waiting for my estrogen levels or E2 levels to go up and they are looking for my follicles to grow.

I have gone up and down emotionally yesterday & today trying to digest the information. I feel like I don't want to give up on my 4 "follies." In each of them there is the potential for life so for today I am choosing to be happy that at least I have eggs for this cycle. At least for today they have not cancelled my cycle.

I don't want to focus on what I don't have but rather on what I do have. I have a beautiful supportive husband, I have my support from friends and family, and I also feel such a sense of support from my fellow IFers who understand this road all too well. I love that I can turn to your stories and comments to make me feel less alone.

It's funny how all this time I kept thinking sperm was our only issue but lo and behold my eggs are too. I have 2 deep rooted beliefs though that no one can take: (1)Someday my husband and I will be parents...someday, somehow. (2)I know in my gut that I have good eggs in me.

For now I've got 4 follies. I am happy they are there. As long as they are there, there is hope. I am rooting them on so they will grow. I believe that anything is possible. For today, I choose to continue to look at what I have and not what I don't.

The funny thing is...I am trying to look forward and tell myself regardless of if this cycle fails or succeeds I just want a chance at this.

I attached this forum that I visited today and it made me feel so hopeful that despite the hurdles we can get pregnant. I am learning that the road may be longer but I will not give up.

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/689479-high-fsh-moms-pg-week-july-11th-everything-mentioned.html

Unwavering Hope

I am on Day 4 of stims. The injections are not bad at all. Perhaps its my husbands' steady hand or my running mantra of "whatever it takes." The side effects though I'm definitely trying to deal with. Because of my suspected high FSH levels (my 1st was at 11 and my second was 7) I was put on a high dosage of folli*stim (450 units).

I went in on Sunday morning for my 1st bloodwork after starting the stims. Dr. Hope normally begins the sonogram and she normally speaks to me to tell me what she sees and this time she was quiet. She told me to wait and see what the bloodwork indicates. As she's leaving the room I ask her if everything looks okay and she smiles and shows me a pokerface and says "It's too early to tell." When she leaves I start to bawl. My husband says to calm down but I knew something was wrong.

The nurse calls me to tell the blood results and she says that they are going to increase my dosage because they are not happy with my response to the drugs. She tells me that I will be on the highest dosage of folli*stim (600 units). Tomorrow I go in for my bloodwork and sonogram. I don't know if she didn't see any follies or if there was only 1. I don't know and I feel like I should've asked but I was feeling so confident because I felt like my hormones (I still do) are on overdrive.

I literally fell apart yesterday because I know what this could mean for us: canceled IVF due to poor response. What if I can't ever produce enough follicles for a successful IVF?

I feel 100 different things all at once but most of all I feel like this is yet another hurdle to cross.

I ask you, whoever may read my blog today to please send out a prayer that my body may respond to the folli*stim. Please, I just want to have a chance at this. I don't want to end before we've even begun. Please lift my name up. I would appreciate it so very much. I feel like I need all the prayers I can get.

Thank you.

Today I feel brave...

I know its wordless Wednesday but these are my feelings and thoughts I wanted to share, write down, and remember...

Today I feel brave.

In life you are faced with decisions. Some of them hard to make, some of them easy.

We are and have been faced with a decision that we humbly made and accepted.

Life is full of risks. This is one of them. We won't know unless we try. So we will. The reality that I will begin stims on Thursday and that we will undergo IVF is unbelievable.

I'm in awe of the lengths one takes for love. I'm in awe of the perserverance love and the human spirit has. Whatever it takes to have a chance...you do it!

We won't know unless we try. So keeping this in mind somehow makes everything seem less scary.

I could go back to my safe little world where needles don't exist. Where terms like infertility don't plague me. Where unrealistic hopes reside. Where at every month looming heartbreak and disappointment are sure to be near. But isn't it worth the risk?

Yes, this road is scary. The unknown is scarier still but I would still choose this road if at the end of it my dreams of starting a family with my love were to come true.

This is a risk. The potential consequences are endless. The effects this can have on my body is very real. The things that could go wrong are real. I understand and I'm afraid.

But I feel like I'm at the top of a mountain about to jump off trusting God, in His loving grace, to catch me. Trusting that God will guard my heart and that He will catch me, like He has so many times before.

And so, its the leap of faith we will make...regardless of the outcome...we will never regret this.

When you want something with all of your heart, you leap out into the unknown with arms wide open. Our hearts full of hope.

Today I am proud of us for trying.

Today I feel brave.

~Love recognizes no barriers. It leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.~

A Visit From An Old Friend

Today an old beloved friend came to visit me. Over the last year and a half her visit used to leave me feeling emotionally drained, disappointed, and heartbroken. She used to cause me to be anxious and wait for signs of her arrival. In fact, I used to try and avoid her like the plague. Today when she showed up I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow or Monday. It was such a welcomed surprise that I yelled in excitement.

I am hoping her visit this time is the last one for a while. You see, with her arrival comes hope for a new beginning. This month her arrival is opening a door of opportunity. This may not be her last visit for this year but I'm praying with every bone in my body that it is. Because in her absence, I would receive an amazing gift.

Welcome my old friend! I've been waiting for you. Because of you this Thursday we will begin our stims. Thank you but don't come back for the next 9-10 months, k?