Our Appointment

Today we went to our follow up appointment which is affectionately referred to as the WTF appointment.

Dr. Hope shared our sentiment. Dr. Hope started to tell us that even she was at a loss for why our embryos didn't make it. We had a grade of AA (which she said is very, very rare in their lab for any embryo to get that grading) and AB (also beautiful). She actually said she thought our pregnancy would be a "sure thing." She said that if she were me, knowing the quality of our embryos. she would continue trying until she had a baby. Dr. Hope seems to really believe that although I don't produce as many eggs for someone my age, that the eggs I do have are great quality.

For the next cycle Dr. Hope is using a different protocol which is what I wanted to hear. First cycle we learned about how I reacted to the protocol. So we will be forgoing Lupron. Starting stimms full force in hope of getting more eggs.

We will be getting back on the saddle this upcoming cycle. I am more than ready. I feel so empowered by having the experience...knowing what the whole process is like...the shots, ER, ET gives me a sense of peace. Inevitably, I will be less anxious, scared, or nervous about the process. I can't wait!

Moving on...Moving Forward!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Here we are...

Seeking comfort, support, encouragement, positivity. We are a network of women who know all too well that having a baby is not as easy as some make it seem.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have been TTC to for a year and a half. We found out that we have MFI and as I underwent testing we found out that I have a high fsh level which indicates to possible diminished ovarian reserve. We were told our surest bet was to have IVF w/ ICSI.

Excitedly and full of hope we underwent IVF w/ ICSI in July. I didn't respond as well as they would've hoped so we were on pins and needles the whole cycle wondering if my eggs then our embryos were going to make it to transfer. Unfortunately, even though we had 2 beautiful embryos our result was a BFN. We were heartbroken and pretty devastated.

My husband and I came back from our getaway vacation. We feel renewed in a sense and ready to get back on the saddle. On Tuesday, we will be meeting with my doctor who I affectionately refer to as Dr. Hope. We will be discussing our upcoming IVF cycle. What our protocol will be? I feel ready to move on.

We are determined to start our family. With the support of friends and family, it feels like all of our loved ones share in our dream.

I feel strengthened by your stories and your voices. I hope our story can do the same for you.


St. David's Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

It comes in waves...

This week has been eye opening. I've learned once again about human endurance. How we fall down and get back up again. How hope which can sometimes seem hard to hold on to still remains.

My beta was obviously negative. My period finally came today. The waiting was hard. Knowing it didn't work, I just kept waiting for my period to come so I could finally have closure. I thought I would be emotional. I thought it would be hard. Although we are sad, I feel ready to move on.

This week I decided to look into changing my insurance (I'm currently under my husband's) which I wasn't even sure I could do. My insurance covers a good portion of IVF and meds. I was accepted and will be signing paperwork in the next couple of weeks. Good news.

We will be meeting with Dr. Hope in the next couple of weeks to discuss where we go from here. We have at least another fresh cycle because we paid for multi-cycles.

My sister in law, who battled infertility and now has 2 beautiful children, had the most encouraging message. She told me that at their most difficult (she miscarried at week 25) she decided to make something positive out of something negative...determination. I loved her using this word because this process can make you feel very helpless.

We are ready to push forward and move on. I'm sure throughout the next couple of weeks we will be going through emotional ups and downs but we are trying to keep our eyes on the prize.

My husband and I will be going away...taking some time together. We are looking forward to it.

It didn't work...

The last couple of days have been hard on the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit.

I've been feeling my period coming for the last 2-3 days now. I know where this familiar feeling is coming from. I tried to think positively and acknowledge that there is a lot I don't know. For example, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant therefore I don't know if the things I normally feel when I'm going to get my period are part of being pregnant. I tried to calm myself by thinking these thoughts. It helped somewhat but it's such mind fuck when your heart and spirit is telling you what to believe but your physical being is telling you something else. How do you keep the faith when your body tells you your period is coming.

My husband and I made a pact that I would not POAS until Sunday morning. My Beta's on Monday. We agreed that it would be best in order to abate my neurosis. Yesterday was different though. I felt my period coming and didn't want to wait to see the blood. So after an emotional breakdown and much discussion we decided we would take the test this morning.

We took two. We agreed that I would do the tests and wait for my husband to go check the results. All the while, we both kept trying to be hopeful and keep our spirits up. Both said Not Pregnant. My husband came back into bed with me and held me. We held each other and my husband who normally is a rock broke down in tears. We just held each other totally devastated. This fucking hurts so bad.

We could cling on to false hope and wait for the bloodwork on Monday but why? I feel and know my period coming and I took two tests that came out negative. I'm aware of the stories of women who could've sworn they were getting their period but they were actually pregnant. I'm not one of them.

It's hard to write this and cope with the reality that our cycle failed. Our hearts were believing we would be the lucky ones who were successful after their 1st IVF.

It's hard not to think that this might never happen. We might never be successful. Will we ever have children?

We are grieving the loss of our two perfect embies: Two 8 cell embies. Why didn't this work? There are so many variables we can't control...so many aspects of this that we'll never understand.

Today I saw my best friend, my life partner of 10 years cry from frustration and disappointment. That year of trying on our own and all the months of IUI's...he always remained realistic and didn't get his hopes up. But not this time. My husband who is always the sound one allowed himself to become attached and hopeful. He said he began to envision the future. He allowed himself to go there. I wish I could take his pain away.

We are heartbroken and devastated.

On A Day Like Today...We were married.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

On a day like today we made vows to love one another through good times and bad.

This year has not been an easy one but when I think of walking this bumpy road I am so grateful to walk along holding his hand.

I love you more than anything.

One Moment at a Time...

I have heard people say that the 2 week wait can be more difficult than the whole IVF process. Now I understand why.

Despite all the hanging anticipation, I have been doing my best to live in the moment. I don't know what tomorrow may bring but for today I am pregnant. I am trusting that my body is taking care of these precious gifts. Most importantly, though I am trusting that everything will work out just as it should.

I keep thinking about all those times that we tried and how I wanted so much to believe that we were close but we weren't every really as close as we are now.

We have never gotten this far. Isn't that in and of itself totally amazing? Isn't it a miracle?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am trying my best not to worry about it.

You see, the thing is, I'm already in love. I look at the picture of my embies everyday. We tell them that we want them to get comfortable and burrow inside of me. I pray for them at every moment. They are already a part of me. They were created out of love, hope, patience, and perserverance. They are already survivors.

Then there's my husband who I love more than words can express. His desire to be a father is so great. I want with all of my heart for his dream to come true. The truth is, if there is anyone who deserves to be a father it is him. He has waited patiently. He has been so strong for me. He has picked me up off the floor so many times throughout this journey. He has this quiet strength about him. He has not always been as open as I have about my feelings. This has often worried me. Instead, he's focused on the opportunities. Always reminding me to keep my faith and hope alive. "It'll happen...Someday, baby"--he always says.

It's in his eyes. The desire. The unspoken prayers. The longing. It's in his eyes.

So I won't worry about tomorrow. I am trying my best to enjoy this process because enveloped in this anticipation is this gift. A gift of opportunity. A gift of promise.

Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have a chance at this. Two weeks ago, we weren't sure if we could create life. Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have embryos. Two weeks ago, we hadn't seen the embies. All of our dreams... in this little photograph.

Now we wait but we wait with a gift. Today we are closer to starting our family.

So yes, there's anticipation in the air but there is also a gratitude for where we've come from and how far we've gone.

I'll never regret this.