It didn't work...

The last couple of days have been hard on the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit.

I've been feeling my period coming for the last 2-3 days now. I know where this familiar feeling is coming from. I tried to think positively and acknowledge that there is a lot I don't know. For example, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant therefore I don't know if the things I normally feel when I'm going to get my period are part of being pregnant. I tried to calm myself by thinking these thoughts. It helped somewhat but it's such mind fuck when your heart and spirit is telling you what to believe but your physical being is telling you something else. How do you keep the faith when your body tells you your period is coming.

My husband and I made a pact that I would not POAS until Sunday morning. My Beta's on Monday. We agreed that it would be best in order to abate my neurosis. Yesterday was different though. I felt my period coming and didn't want to wait to see the blood. So after an emotional breakdown and much discussion we decided we would take the test this morning.

We took two. We agreed that I would do the tests and wait for my husband to go check the results. All the while, we both kept trying to be hopeful and keep our spirits up. Both said Not Pregnant. My husband came back into bed with me and held me. We held each other and my husband who normally is a rock broke down in tears. We just held each other totally devastated. This fucking hurts so bad.

We could cling on to false hope and wait for the bloodwork on Monday but why? I feel and know my period coming and I took two tests that came out negative. I'm aware of the stories of women who could've sworn they were getting their period but they were actually pregnant. I'm not one of them.

It's hard to write this and cope with the reality that our cycle failed. Our hearts were believing we would be the lucky ones who were successful after their 1st IVF.

It's hard not to think that this might never happen. We might never be successful. Will we ever have children?

We are grieving the loss of our two perfect embies: Two 8 cell embies. Why didn't this work? There are so many variables we can't control...so many aspects of this that we'll never understand.

Today I saw my best friend, my life partner of 10 years cry from frustration and disappointment. That year of trying on our own and all the months of IUI's...he always remained realistic and didn't get his hopes up. But not this time. My husband who is always the sound one allowed himself to become attached and hopeful. He said he began to envision the future. He allowed himself to go there. I wish I could take his pain away.

We are heartbroken and devastated.