Tonight it hit me that we have done this more times than I wish to talk about.
Tonight it hit me while I was cooking dinner that we are about to get on this rollercoaster again. I started to cry and cry because the truth is I'm scared. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I'm so scared of going through the disappointment, the heartache, the mourning.
On Friday night, I went out with some of my girlfriends one of which happens to be 38 weeks pregnant. I skipped out on her baby shower a month ago with a good excuse--it was my niece's birthday. I was so relieved when I found out the date conflicted with a family event because then I could avoid any and all feelings that come up at those events. My friend is so sweet, though. I couldn't help but be happy for her. As we ate dinner I watched her swollen belly as she complained about how "fat" she was getting. I told her she was not fat. I'd give anything to have that problem.
At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby hiccupping. I was like, "yeah!!" I know I must sound so corny or desperate or all of the above but it was so amazing. Not surprisingly,I am in awe with the whole concept of pregnancy. That connection...the idea of having a tiny being growing inside of you...there are no words to describe how I long to feel and experience that bond.
The truth of the matter is that I think I've come a long way from not being able to be happy for others who were expecting. It was good to see her despite the tugging at my heart. I am happy for her.
In the meantime, here we are again. My husband said that I need to take it one day at a time. I agree with him but it seems to get harder when you've been on this side of the road...you know the speedbumps up ahead...you know the hazard lanes...you know the dead end all too well.
I have nothing but faith and hope that our dreams are in God's hands. What will be, will be meant to be.
As always, you are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteMy sweet Chely,
ReplyDeleteYou are so dear to me and I pray to God that He will move in power.
I love you
Ame
Hello, I just came across your blog from Team Hope. I appreciate your candidness and sharing. I will be praying for you. God knows, He sees and cares for you! Hang in there and don't give up! Let that unwavering hope keep you going!
ReplyDeleteWant to share my story/website with you, Dancing Upon Barren Land ~ Spiritual Nourishment for the Infertility Road, www.DancingUponBarrenLand.com. Praying you'll find encouragement there!
I'll be back for a visit!
Blessings,
Lesli
btw - love the "Hannah's Hope" book, used it in our support group, it was wonderful!