Emotional Day (may want to skip me today)

Today, I am feeling emotional about this process.

Today I am so scared to get emotionally invested in this cycle only to be disappointed and left heartbroken once again. For close to 2 years, this has been our experience.

Today I am worried about all the things that could go wrong before and during our IVF cycle. I'm worried about getting a BFP but only to miscarry later on. When do you allow yourself to be happy?

Today I am in awe of how miraculous conception is. The amount of things that need to go right. The fact that conception happens without medical intervention is simply amazing and beyond me. What a precious gift it is to be able to carry your child in your womb and even more precious when the child is born healthy.

Every baby is a complete miracle.
Today I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of losing my "normal." The idea of having a child has consumed me for the better part of 2 years. I'm emotionally spent.

Today I felt like all of the feelings (the excitement, the bonding, the love, the nurturing)that I have been longing to feel...the knowledge that my child is growing inside of me...All of this feels so far away. It hurts me to think that this may all be things I never experience. Maybe I'll never know what this feels like. Sometimes I feel like our time will come and other times I doubt that we'll ever get the chance.

I have moments when I step outside of myself and catch myself staring out my window, fazing out...lost in my thoughts. I am a shadow of who I was. I miss the naive-happy--go-lucky me. This experience has made me grow up and has tainted me in a way. I don't look at things in the same way anymore. This has caused a trauma.

Today my heart grieves for all of the broken dreams of parenthood out there. It is so unjust to see how many wonderful, capable, loving women (& husbands) are longing to become parents. There have been several women this week that have gone through loss and my heart just breaks for them. Why? This journey can be so unjust and can be so cruel.

Maybe its the waiting...pretty sure, its the hormones....definitely a combination of both.

Update: Lu*pron side effects: Holy Hot Flashes (check), Headaches (check), Emotional Basketcase (check). Ugh!

Therapeutic Music:
Scroll down to my music to Rob Thomas' Someday. It is such a great song...take a listen to the words....it speaks to me at this moment