It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not as though I haven't been lurking other blogs, it's just that I really have nothing to say.
There is nothing to say...just waiting. Waiting...and more waiting.
I started school a week and 1/2 ago and have been super busy. Mentally, this is a plus. I've been able to redirect my thoughts.
Funny, though...recently I've taken to crying hysterically. The type of crying Oprah affectionately refers to as "the ugly cry." It kind of takes over me and I can't say I see it coming.
It tends to happen mostly when I'm driving home from work. I think this is because I am living the life of two people. In one life I play the role of someone all put together. The other life is where I am longing for a dream that seems so very far away. I get in my car and feel overwhelmed by emotions. Putting on a brave face takes it's toll.
Being in my line of work it's difficult to make a clean break from thinking about children...children are an integral part of my career. This year I've got a couple of little girls in my classroom that are completely sweet and are constantly giving me hugs. To say I love their affection is an understatement.
Today, I was showing my kids a powerpoint presentation to share a little about myself and my life. I showed them a family picture where it was apparent (I thought mostly to me) that my husband and I were the only ones without children. Innocently, one of my students ask, "Don't you have any children?" I said, "No, not yet." Another child asked, "Do you want to have children?" I was taken aback by being asked such poignant questions by my 6-7 year olds. Questions that hurt my heart. "Yes, I'd love to. Hopefully someday." Then another child said "Then you'll be one of those teachers who has a huge belly (little arms outstreched in front of her)." I smiled at her and shook my head as I thought...from your lips to God's ears, I thought.
I am living with pain that comes and goes. In fact, there are times when my husband and I are laughing and joking around that I think remember this, see, despite everything...you still smiled.
There are days that I'm certain that someday our day will come and there are other times when everything seems so uncertain.
I am living with hope. I am also living with a broken heart.
Unwavering Hope
- Unwavering Hope
- I am a 29 year old woman married to my best friend and love of my life. My husband is 39 and has been diagnosed w/ Male Factor Infertility. I have a diminished ovarian reserve (FSH levels 11.9 & 7.8 ). We have tried IUI's and are now on the path to IVF w/ ICSI. Our third attempt lead us to where we are now. We are now blessed with our miracle son. This is our journey.
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Oh I can so relate to this post...definitely living with hope but also with a very broken heart. Hope is what keeps me going. I try to be the same put together person, but also feel so broken some days.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it hard when people who have no idea ask simple, innocent questions like that? The types of questions that just tear at your soul. One of these days you WILL be one of those teachers with a big pregnant belly. :) I'm sorry you feel so broken...but you still have that little bit of hope. Hold onto that hope. And, hey, it's okay to hysterically break down. I do that, too, sometimes, but I always feel better afterwards. It's your body's way of balancing itself out. :)
ReplyDeleteIt must be really hard working with kids. You are reminded all day. I'm hoping right along with you!! Will be checking in.
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