This time when I woke up from retrieval we found out that out of the 5-7 follicles only 2 were retrieved. I was disappointed but I was hoping that it'd be like the last time. I don't produce many eggs but the ones I have are of good quality.
When I called for our fertilization report yesterday they told us that only 1 of the 2 eggs were mature.
We are left with 1 embryo. One hope. Another chance to become parents.
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed.
I don't understand this. I don't understand infertility. I've always been the kind of patient that goes to the doctor and is given a clean bill of health. I'm always considered to have above average health. I am 28 years old. I weigh about 112 pounds. I watch what I eat. I exercise.
I feel like I have such a chip on my shoulder. Like my body is failing me. My ovaries are not behaving like a 28 year old's should. This is the first time in my life that I want something so bad but have absolutely no control in making it happen. It is such a helpless feeling.
I just feel so tired of being heartbroken...of crying all of these tears. I'm so tired of longing for this. How many times should I put my body through this?
I'm taking 2 days off from work and I feel so relieved mostly because I've walking around with a fascade and I feel like a shell of myself. At least when I'm at home I can be real. No one knows we are doing this so I am leaning on God, my husband, and my best friend for support.
I couldn't help it but after the retrieval all I kept thinking about is moving on to the next step which is potentially using egg donors. I am at peace with this possibility if it means we can be parents.
I don't want to jump the gun because I'd like to do the recommended 3 cycles. I guess the quality of our embryo will give us a clearer direction...but somehow it feels good to have a plan.
When will our day finally come?
For now I will do everything and anything I need to, to keep this embie happy and comfortable. Someone in a couple of blogs mentioned pineapples. I will be eating many of them.
Please pray for us. Thank you for your support.
I will pray for you guys. But, all you need is that ONE embie to make a baby. I know it feels like your body is failing you. I'm so incredibly sorry. Women who are by no means healthy or take care of their body can get pregnant while smoking, doing drugs and drinking everyday, whereas us, who watch what we put in our body and take care of the body that'll hopefully someday grow our baby, are not so blessed. :( It's frustrating, huh? Just hang in there, and know that you are in my prayers. Hang onto your hope. You have control over that. :)
ReplyDeleteSaying lots of prayer for you!!!! And yes, eat LOTS of pineapple. Not sure if it really helps, but it certainly can't hurt.
ReplyDeleteOh my heart just bled for you as I read this post. It sounds like our last cycle and so I know the pain and terror you are feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteMy first cycle I had 5 follies which were five mature eggs. One was damaged during cleaning, but then we got 3 fertilised embies which we transfered. Even when the cycle failed it seemed like we were on track to just play the odds and all would be fine.
My seocnd cycle we have 7 follies which proved to only be two mature eggs. Of those only one fertilised and then that single embie didn't divide.
I have spent the last two weeks since this happened obsessing over this, stressing myself out and trying to find an answer to the 'why'. I have now spoke to two different specialists onthis and they have both told me that sometimes this happens and it is not a sign of doom. Try to hold this thought in your heart. All hope is not lost.
I am holding so much hope for your remaining embie, that s/he is dividing and growing strong and ready for implantation. I have heard success stories from just that one precious embie, so try to hold these in your heart too.
I found my last cycle to bring me to the lowest point so far on this journey and found that chatting to others who have been poor responders has really helped me to keep going on the dark days. If you would like to chat, pop me a mail at hopefullyttc (at) gmail (dot) com