A New Hope

I have a new hope. I look forward to a new year with blessings unimaginable. I am so thankful for all of you fellow bloggers whose dreams were realized this year. May God continue to bless you.

For all of us waiting for dreams yet to be realized may God grant us strength,determination, and mostly a heart full of unwavering hope.

The end of this year brings unexpected sadness with the passing of my grandmother. She was my nurturer, my mother in many ways. I will miss her more than I can put into words. In many ways, I now have an angel in heaven watching over us.

May this year be one filled with peace, love, and babies! God Bless You All!

All I Want For Christmas...

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment for bloodwork and sono. I should also be starting Lu*pron soon...maybe tomorrow.

Tonight it hit me that we have done this more times than I wish to talk about.
Tonight it hit me while I was cooking dinner that we are about to get on this rollercoaster again. I started to cry and cry because the truth is I'm scared. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I'm so scared of going through the disappointment, the heartache, the mourning.

On Friday night, I went out with some of my girlfriends one of which happens to be 38 weeks pregnant. I skipped out on her baby shower a month ago with a good excuse--it was my niece's birthday. I was so relieved when I found out the date conflicted with a family event because then I could avoid any and all feelings that come up at those events. My friend is so sweet, though. I couldn't help but be happy for her. As we ate dinner I watched her swollen belly as she complained about how "fat" she was getting. I told her she was not fat. I'd give anything to have that problem.
At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby hiccupping. I was like, "yeah!!" I know I must sound so corny or desperate or all of the above but it was so amazing. Not surprisingly,I am in awe with the whole concept of pregnancy. That connection...the idea of having a tiny being growing inside of you...there are no words to describe how I long to feel and experience that bond.

The truth of the matter is that I think I've come a long way from not being able to be happy for others who were expecting. It was good to see her despite the tugging at my heart. I am happy for her.

In the meantime, here we are again. My husband said that I need to take it one day at a time. I agree with him but it seems to get harder when you've been on this side of the road...you know the speedbumps up ahead...you know the hazard lanes...you know the dead end all too well.

I have nothing but faith and hope that our dreams are in God's hands. What will be, will be meant to be.

Gearing Up To Try Once More

Starting over...seems to be an idea we are all familiar with.

I am gearing up to start a new protocol Microdose Lu*pron. First cycle we did the long lup*ron, 2nd was the flare protocol. My RE asked me what I thought about going on lu*pron again. At the end of it all, even though I was over supressed I still produced two embies. I will be starting lu*pron on the 13th.

I have a spirit of complete and utter surrender. I know and understand that I cannot control any aspect of this besides the injections which ironically we consider to be the best part. I've accepted this and really feel that when we are meant to be pregnant we will be. My times are in God's hands.

I also know that I want to be positive and remain as positive as I can. We do what we can and leave the rest in God's hands.

In the meantime I began acupuncture about a month ago. I was hesistant to introduce more needles in my life but I actually love it. It is very relaxing. I also am taking Chinese herbs that look and taste like dirt. My attitude was sure I'll try it because....why not? I've got nothing to lose.

For now...more waiting.

There is a level of faith where you get what you want and you praise God but it takes a whole other level of faith to not get what you want and still praise God!

I'm still believing. I remain hopeful.

The ups and downs

Today I feel a little sad. Heartbroken. I find myself fazing out and staring out into nothing. I'm sad. I guess it goes without saying that there are days like this...where it's hard to see when we will get to the other side.

I want to skip all of this and get to the part where we are holding our miracle baby. I am believing that it will happen. It's so hard to wait.

Last night I had a dream that I was around all of these children in a playground. All the children were playing and laughing around me. Some of them were smiling at me. I don't know who they all were and why they were standing around me but all I knew was that I had this beautiful belly.I looked down and the realization of this filled my heart with such emotion. In my dream I realized that I was pregnant and that all of those children also knew I was pregnant. In my dream, my biggest, sweetest dream had come true. It made me fill up with gratitude and happiness. It was such an emotional dream...the kind where you wake up shaken by it. It was special.


I woke up to a sad feeling. I am crying as I post this but its the first time I've cried in a couple of days. It comes and goes.

My husband has been so incredible. I am so grateful to have him to go through this with. He is doing everything he can to occupy his thoughts and time. We do what we can.

We believe our day will come. For right now, we are both somber. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

It Takes a Little Time

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support. We are taking each day at a time. I haven't cried in the last 3 days. That's good, I guess.

We had our follow consult with Dr. Hope yesterday. I had a lot of questions and concerns about where to go from here. She continues to think we should keep trying because of my age. She reiterated the fact that our clinic does not cancel cycles which I'm so very grateful for. Despite everything we were still glad that we got a chance at trying even if we only had 1 embryo.

The conclusion is that although our embryos are getting high grade and are dividing nicely there seems to be something "chromosomally abnormal" with them. This may be due to the fact that we are dealing with male factor infertility as well. We can't know for sure but the way it was described is that these embryos if they were "normal" should have implanted. The fact that they are not is indicative of something not being right.

We are currently looking for second and third opinions. We are lucky enough to live in NY where there are prestigious and respected hospitals available. So I contacted one in particular and was not given an appointment until they could verify my insurance coverage. Is there something wrong with this picture? I haven't and wasnt' able to make an appointment yet. I'm still waiting for a confirmation phone call. Nice.

We keep going back and forth as to whether we want to stay in our clinic or go elsewhere. I like Dr. Hope. She is candid, honest, and I really think she is rooting for us. Most importantly though she seems to be hopeful that we can get pregnant, if nothing else but my age. I appreciate her optimism.

Right now we are trying to weigh our options and take some time to recover from this. In all reality, our favorite time is when we are cycling. The dreaded shots are the anticipated shots because it's the only thing we can do or have control over.

We are waiting once again.

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise on the wings of eagles. They will walk and not be weary. They will run and not be faint.

When will our day come?

Nothing new...just this old familiar heart breaking deep sadness. Our beta was negative.

I don't have much to say except that my heart is breaking. On Saturday, my husband woke up with this restless feeling. I told him earlier in the week that I felt my period coming so we were trying to mentally prepare. This didn't make it easier really. How do you make a heart break quietly? So Saturday, I watched the man I love break down crying in my arms. Crying out of frustration and anger and sadness. My heart couldn't take it. I just hurt for him.

This sucks. We found out that besides my 2 eggs all of the other 3-4 follicles were empty. Why?, I asked. Dr. Hope didn't know but this is something they usually see in someone who is much older. Oh, that's not good, I said. Then I proceeded to cry.

Can this be? Can my body be holding me back from our dreams?

The hardest part was talking to Dr. Hope during my lunch hour. By the way, I was crying while my student teacher walked in. I had to explain why I was a blubbering mess and told her "I'm sorry this shouldn't be part of your student teaching experience." I had to gather myself and teach 20 little 2nd graders a math lesson when all I wanted to do was hug my husband and cry. I had a numbing drive home.

We have a follow-up appointment on Thursday. Hopefully, we'll have more answers...reassurance...a plan.

I wish I could put my emotions aside while doing IVF. I would be a machine and chug along...but I can't and this is becoming emotionally taxing.

How much longer? How many more tries? When will our dream come true?

This pain...you wouldn't wish it on anyone. This longing...is unbearable. This dream...seems unreachable at times.

When will our day come?

My Husband

October 24th...a regular day to some but the most special day to me.

It is my husband's birthday. My beautiful, loving, patient, thoughtful husband. When I think of everything we've been through together, it makes me want to cry.

I am so grateful to share my life with such an amazing person. I thank God everyday for the gift I found in you. I love you, baby!

On Bed Rest and Feeling Grateful

I'm on bed rest now. Transfer went well. We have another "great embryo." My RE said that he wishes he had more embryos to transfer but if there was an embryo to transfer this is what he'd want it to look like. I didn't ask specifically what the grade is or how many cells there are.

I am resting and trying to keep positive. The way I'm looking at it is that I have about the same chances as any woman would have in any pregnancy. One embryo to attach. One embryo. My husband and I feel incredibly grateful that we got another chance at this.

I continue to trust that God is in control and what is meant to happen will happen. My beta is on November 1. I'm sure from now up till then there will be moments of doubt and moments of hopefulness. I'm ready for the ride. I know and believe that someday it will all be worth it. This hardship will seem so small in comparison to the gift we will receive. My husband and I will be parents soon. I feel it in my bones. Our breakthrough is coming soon. We just need to keep keepin' on.

Thank you for all of the supportive comments and for your encouraging words. I feel grateful to know that there are women who know exactly what this is like. Thank you!

So here we are...

My retrieval date was on Sunday. We were excited because we had 5-7 follicles. Some seemed to be more mature than others. Last time we only had 3 follicles in total. One ended up being a cyst or something. But out of those 2 we got two beautiful grade AA and AB embies.

This time when I woke up from retrieval we found out that out of the 5-7 follicles only 2 were retrieved. I was disappointed but I was hoping that it'd be like the last time. I don't produce many eggs but the ones I have are of good quality.

When I called for our fertilization report yesterday they told us that only 1 of the 2 eggs were mature.

We are left with 1 embryo. One hope. Another chance to become parents.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed.

I don't understand this. I don't understand infertility. I've always been the kind of patient that goes to the doctor and is given a clean bill of health. I'm always considered to have above average health. I am 28 years old. I weigh about 112 pounds. I watch what I eat. I exercise.

I feel like I have such a chip on my shoulder. Like my body is failing me. My ovaries are not behaving like a 28 year old's should. This is the first time in my life that I want something so bad but have absolutely no control in making it happen. It is such a helpless feeling.

I just feel so tired of being heartbroken...of crying all of these tears. I'm so tired of longing for this. How many times should I put my body through this?

I'm taking 2 days off from work and I feel so relieved mostly because I've walking around with a fascade and I feel like a shell of myself. At least when I'm at home I can be real. No one knows we are doing this so I am leaning on God, my husband, and my best friend for support.

I couldn't help it but after the retrieval all I kept thinking about is moving on to the next step which is potentially using egg donors. I am at peace with this possibility if it means we can be parents.

I don't want to jump the gun because I'd like to do the recommended 3 cycles. I guess the quality of our embryo will give us a clearer direction...but somehow it feels good to have a plan.

When will our day finally come?

For now I will do everything and anything I need to, to keep this embie happy and comfortable. Someone in a couple of blogs mentioned pineapples. I will be eating many of them.

Please pray for us. Thank you for your support.

Triggered and Ready to Go

Tonight my husband gave me my trigger shot. I will go in tomorrow for bloodwork and sonogram.

My ovaries are ready to pop. I feel very sore and uncomfortable so when we got the call that we could trigger tonight I danced a little jig and was excited. One step closer...

We stimmed for 14 days (I know--crazy, huh?) My RE said something funny yesterday. He said "At this rate, you should be ready by Thanksgiving." It's funny! I don't care though cause slow and steady wins the race. Whoever created that phrase had my situation in mind.

The flare protocol seems to have been more effective. I can't tell you how many follicles I have, what my E2 levels are or any other technical thing I worried about last time.

That's how I wanted to embark on this cycle. I made the decision that for me when I knew too much, I worried too much. Why worry about something I have no control over. Instead this time around I have given my dream up to God. I just know that when it is God's time it will happen for us.

Getting to this point has been no small feat. It has taken me a while to not only accept this as our reality but in many ways embrace it so that I may learn something about myself, my husband, my faith. I'm glad I did because I can honestly say that I am a stronger woman because of this. I have learned that our dream is also our loved ones' dream. We feel very blessed to have so many people praying and hoping right along with us.

I am changed because of this reality and revelation.

On a lighter note this morning during our routine visit Dr. Hope came in and checked on my follies. He was silent while he printed out the sonogram photos. I asked him if things were good and he said, Yes things look much better than last time. My heart jumped and I turned and smiled at my husband. At that instant the radio started playing some James Brown "I feel good, dididididididi, I knew that I would..." It was hilarious!! Just another moment that proves that God has an awesome sense of humor!