I've Graduated!

Play the graduation music because its official. On Tuesday, at 7 weeks and 2 days preggo we graduated from our clinic, so to speak.

Today we said so long to Dr.Hope (all the nurses & other Dr. Hopes). She asked us to keep in touch.

It's exciting to think that now we begin the next chapter in our journey--that of a normal pregnant woman. Even as I say that, I know that as I sit in Dr.M's office (My Obgyn)I will never be "normal." We will never be "normal." Our lives are forever changed through this experience.

We will not look back, though because there are too many blessings to look forward to. Neo is worth every minute of this journey. We are so very grateful. We got a beautiful picture of Neo & got to hear his/her heartbeat. Dr. Hope joked that the baby must've been excited b/c his/her heart was beating so fast. Everything looked wonderful, thank God! It was so precious to hear the heartbeat again.

I never cease to be amazed at how God works in such wondrous ways. God is so good!

When they cried out to You, again, You heard from heaven. Because of Your mercy, You saved them again and again. Nehemiah 9:28

Believing in the Unseemingly Impossible

6 weeks and 5 days. Pregnant.

I have posted my pregnancy stick picture as my wall paper on my laptop. I'm still incredulous. I'm still processing. I can't believe that I have a little being growing inside of me...his/her heart beating on its own independent of mine.

I've wanted this for so incredibly long. Now that its here...I'm so happy. I'm so content...like everything that was wrong in the world is finally looking up.

I've prayed for trust and faith that this is our time. That God will bless us on this journey. This is what I've been praying for. God is so good. To Him I give all praise and glory.

A little back story:

This past cycle I had made peace with the fact that perhaps things would not work out. I had made peace about trying again w/ my eggs or moving on to DE. I even made peace about giving up the dream of having biological children (at least on my end). There was a feeling of complete and utter surrender to God's perfect will.

Therefore I was a bit less neurotic. I forgot to take my Med*rol for a couple of days, I slept on my stomach, I shoveled about 12 inches of snow, my husband and I played in the snow, I threw myself on the snow and jumped around like everything was normal. In short, I had made peace. There was acceptance.

We decided to take a pregnancy test on Sat. my beta was scheduled for Monday. We had decided we didn't want to ruin our weekend so on Sat. I woke up and peed in a cup and decided to use one of my cheap little testers. My husband was going to check it as I jumped back into bed. As I laid in my bed I just prayed to God to give us strength and help us heal. My husband said that he couldn't see the test very well. He only saw one line but wasn't sure. I decided not to play around and bust out the expensive Clear*blue digital. My husband was like, "are you sure you want to waste it?" I wanted to get a clean cut answer but I told my husband, "just don't show it to me cause I can't bear to read another NOT PREGNANT." We agreed and I plopped into bed. My husband began to brush his teeth. At this point my heart was beating really fast and I just wanted him to get back into bed with me. I heard him sniffling which he does when he tears up or begins to cry. I started to pray that God be with him and that He give us comfort. I asked, "did you look?" and he said that he did but he didn't understand something. I was thinking I dipped it for too long or too little.

He comes into bed with the test. I say "did you see it?" repeatedly. He kept saying, "I did but I don't understand something." "Let me see it," I said. PREGNANT. One word changed everything. "What does this mean?" my husband kept asking. "I don't understand. Is this real?"

We were in disbelief. I did not have the crying reaction I always thought I would have. In fact, I believe my reaction was more like, WHAT? WHAT? and "I can't believe I'm seeing these words." I could've stared at them forever. I was in shock. God is funny like that. No can surprise me...I usually am too perceptive...too suspicious. God did it. He completely pulled the rug out from under me in a miraculous turn of events.

The next day I took 3 different tests. All positive. I lined then up and we just stared at them. Pregnant. Hearts Unbroken.

When I say that my husband and I are completely and utterly grateful for this miracle...let's just say it's an understatement.

The Heart Goes Boom Boom Boom...

Today I am 6 weeks and 2 days preggers (a word I've been waiting so long to call myself).

Today we saw Neo's heartbeat and we even got a chance to hear it.

It was the most beautiful sight and sound...I wanted to stay there and watch Neo forever. It was so beautiful and precious. Dr. Hope said that everything continues to look wonderful. Dr. Hope said that she could see that we are still processing this. I agreed with her that we are over the moon but still taking it all in.

I am so incredibly happy. Just to think that I have little Neo growing and developing in me. We are so unbelievably grateful!

We are keeping this miracle hush hush for a little while. Tonight I ate a delicious meal with my aunt and uncle and had to keep this beautiful news under wraps. The meal my aunt cooked was feeding two. : )

I will post this when I'm ready to. I just wanted to record these thoughts and feelings so Neo will read it someday. How can I love you so much already? Mommy and Daddy are so happy you are here!

No news was good news!

So I have been lying low. I decided not to post anything b/c I wanted to keep the knowledge of this miracle quiet for a little while. There are people very close to me that read this blog that I was not ready to share our news with, yet. Till now.

I heard the words I always hoped I'd be able to hear. Words that are slowly sinking in.

I'm pregnant. Beta: 442

I had taken 4 tests over the weekend. All positive. To be able to read the word PREGNANT from a Clear.blue digital test...I don't have words.

Dr. Hope said, "Congratulations! You are pregnant. The Beta number is strong...it can't be twins b/c we only transfered one." Then he proceeded to give me directions of where to go from here. This is such uncharted territory.

We cannot begin to describe the emotional whirlwind this weekend has been.

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Quiet Hope and Understanding

We had our transfer and it was what I expected once more.

We have our chance. We have hope.

More importantly though we have an understanding of exactly what the hurdles we are dealing with are. It is more serious than we thought.

We have decisions to make about where to go from here.

Those decisions are premature. The last 3 nights I've laid awake...my mind racing...trying to understand the implications...trying to come to some peace.

But like I said its too early to come to any decision. We still have our little one. Neo--our embie. I'm reminding myself to have faith.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Watching the Golden Globes Unsuspectingly...

Okay so I'm recovering from my ER and watching the Golden Globes. As I'm watching I was looking forward to certain people winning. I LOVE Natalie Portman so I was rooting for her to win. As she is reciting her acceptance speech they close up on her mother and father. Under normal circumstances this would not mean anything except that her father apparently is one of my fertility doctors.

What the What??? No wonder he told me he would definitely not be retrieving my eggs. I have no one else to share this with who I think might appreciate this....so I decided to blog about it.

Natalie Portman's dad has seen my whooha. What a completely surreal experience that was. So you know I'll be asking why he didn't do my ER. : )

I'm cooked...

Just a quick update since I've been largely MIA. I've triggered tonight in hopes of having my ER on Sunday.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks!

We are a-stimmin'!

Today is day 3 of stimms. I am starting to feel some discomfort. I know my ovaries are working as hard as they can. I am thankful for all my body is doing.

Tomorrow I have my first checkup. In the past I've gone and been a bundle of nerves. I can't help but feel pressure to "perform." Saying hello to my old familiar wand buddy and waiting to hear how many eggs my body can produce in a course of days with the help high dosages of drugs. The response has usually been "you don't produce the number of eggs one would at your age." I get it. I'm not going in with any expectation beyond the realm of possibility. I am trusting God, no matter what.

This time I will only compare myself with me. I know that all it takes is one. It doesn't matter that I have a diminished ovarian reserve...I still have the egg.

I want to believe that 2011 will be a year of overcoming challenges, of realizing dreams, of renewed belief in the positive aspects of life. I want to believe that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

I know there will be...but when?

Here's to believing that 2011 will be all that we hope it will be.

A New Hope

I have a new hope. I look forward to a new year with blessings unimaginable. I am so thankful for all of you fellow bloggers whose dreams were realized this year. May God continue to bless you.

For all of us waiting for dreams yet to be realized may God grant us strength,determination, and mostly a heart full of unwavering hope.

The end of this year brings unexpected sadness with the passing of my grandmother. She was my nurturer, my mother in many ways. I will miss her more than I can put into words. In many ways, I now have an angel in heaven watching over us.

May this year be one filled with peace, love, and babies! God Bless You All!

All I Want For Christmas...

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment for bloodwork and sono. I should also be starting Lu*pron soon...maybe tomorrow.

Tonight it hit me that we have done this more times than I wish to talk about.
Tonight it hit me while I was cooking dinner that we are about to get on this rollercoaster again. I started to cry and cry because the truth is I'm scared. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I'm so scared of going through the disappointment, the heartache, the mourning.

On Friday night, I went out with some of my girlfriends one of which happens to be 38 weeks pregnant. I skipped out on her baby shower a month ago with a good excuse--it was my niece's birthday. I was so relieved when I found out the date conflicted with a family event because then I could avoid any and all feelings that come up at those events. My friend is so sweet, though. I couldn't help but be happy for her. As we ate dinner I watched her swollen belly as she complained about how "fat" she was getting. I told her she was not fat. I'd give anything to have that problem.
At one point, she asked me if I wanted to feel the baby hiccupping. I was like, "yeah!!" I know I must sound so corny or desperate or all of the above but it was so amazing. Not surprisingly,I am in awe with the whole concept of pregnancy. That connection...the idea of having a tiny being growing inside of you...there are no words to describe how I long to feel and experience that bond.

The truth of the matter is that I think I've come a long way from not being able to be happy for others who were expecting. It was good to see her despite the tugging at my heart. I am happy for her.

In the meantime, here we are again. My husband said that I need to take it one day at a time. I agree with him but it seems to get harder when you've been on this side of the road...you know the speedbumps up ahead...you know the hazard lanes...you know the dead end all too well.

I have nothing but faith and hope that our dreams are in God's hands. What will be, will be meant to be.