It Takes a Little Time

First of all, thank you for the kind words and support. We are taking each day at a time. I haven't cried in the last 3 days. That's good, I guess.

We had our follow consult with Dr. Hope yesterday. I had a lot of questions and concerns about where to go from here. She continues to think we should keep trying because of my age. She reiterated the fact that our clinic does not cancel cycles which I'm so very grateful for. Despite everything we were still glad that we got a chance at trying even if we only had 1 embryo.

The conclusion is that although our embryos are getting high grade and are dividing nicely there seems to be something "chromosomally abnormal" with them. This may be due to the fact that we are dealing with male factor infertility as well. We can't know for sure but the way it was described is that these embryos if they were "normal" should have implanted. The fact that they are not is indicative of something not being right.

We are currently looking for second and third opinions. We are lucky enough to live in NY where there are prestigious and respected hospitals available. So I contacted one in particular and was not given an appointment until they could verify my insurance coverage. Is there something wrong with this picture? I haven't and wasnt' able to make an appointment yet. I'm still waiting for a confirmation phone call. Nice.

We keep going back and forth as to whether we want to stay in our clinic or go elsewhere. I like Dr. Hope. She is candid, honest, and I really think she is rooting for us. Most importantly though she seems to be hopeful that we can get pregnant, if nothing else but my age. I appreciate her optimism.

Right now we are trying to weigh our options and take some time to recover from this. In all reality, our favorite time is when we are cycling. The dreaded shots are the anticipated shots because it's the only thing we can do or have control over.

We are waiting once again.

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise on the wings of eagles. They will walk and not be weary. They will run and not be faint.

When will our day come?

Nothing new...just this old familiar heart breaking deep sadness. Our beta was negative.

I don't have much to say except that my heart is breaking. On Saturday, my husband woke up with this restless feeling. I told him earlier in the week that I felt my period coming so we were trying to mentally prepare. This didn't make it easier really. How do you make a heart break quietly? So Saturday, I watched the man I love break down crying in my arms. Crying out of frustration and anger and sadness. My heart couldn't take it. I just hurt for him.

This sucks. We found out that besides my 2 eggs all of the other 3-4 follicles were empty. Why?, I asked. Dr. Hope didn't know but this is something they usually see in someone who is much older. Oh, that's not good, I said. Then I proceeded to cry.

Can this be? Can my body be holding me back from our dreams?

The hardest part was talking to Dr. Hope during my lunch hour. By the way, I was crying while my student teacher walked in. I had to explain why I was a blubbering mess and told her "I'm sorry this shouldn't be part of your student teaching experience." I had to gather myself and teach 20 little 2nd graders a math lesson when all I wanted to do was hug my husband and cry. I had a numbing drive home.

We have a follow-up appointment on Thursday. Hopefully, we'll have more answers...reassurance...a plan.

I wish I could put my emotions aside while doing IVF. I would be a machine and chug along...but I can't and this is becoming emotionally taxing.

How much longer? How many more tries? When will our dream come true?

This pain...you wouldn't wish it on anyone. This longing...is unbearable. This dream...seems unreachable at times.

When will our day come?

My Husband

October 24th...a regular day to some but the most special day to me.

It is my husband's birthday. My beautiful, loving, patient, thoughtful husband. When I think of everything we've been through together, it makes me want to cry.

I am so grateful to share my life with such an amazing person. I thank God everyday for the gift I found in you. I love you, baby!

On Bed Rest and Feeling Grateful

I'm on bed rest now. Transfer went well. We have another "great embryo." My RE said that he wishes he had more embryos to transfer but if there was an embryo to transfer this is what he'd want it to look like. I didn't ask specifically what the grade is or how many cells there are.

I am resting and trying to keep positive. The way I'm looking at it is that I have about the same chances as any woman would have in any pregnancy. One embryo to attach. One embryo. My husband and I feel incredibly grateful that we got another chance at this.

I continue to trust that God is in control and what is meant to happen will happen. My beta is on November 1. I'm sure from now up till then there will be moments of doubt and moments of hopefulness. I'm ready for the ride. I know and believe that someday it will all be worth it. This hardship will seem so small in comparison to the gift we will receive. My husband and I will be parents soon. I feel it in my bones. Our breakthrough is coming soon. We just need to keep keepin' on.

Thank you for all of the supportive comments and for your encouraging words. I feel grateful to know that there are women who know exactly what this is like. Thank you!

So here we are...

My retrieval date was on Sunday. We were excited because we had 5-7 follicles. Some seemed to be more mature than others. Last time we only had 3 follicles in total. One ended up being a cyst or something. But out of those 2 we got two beautiful grade AA and AB embies.

This time when I woke up from retrieval we found out that out of the 5-7 follicles only 2 were retrieved. I was disappointed but I was hoping that it'd be like the last time. I don't produce many eggs but the ones I have are of good quality.

When I called for our fertilization report yesterday they told us that only 1 of the 2 eggs were mature.

We are left with 1 embryo. One hope. Another chance to become parents.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed.

I don't understand this. I don't understand infertility. I've always been the kind of patient that goes to the doctor and is given a clean bill of health. I'm always considered to have above average health. I am 28 years old. I weigh about 112 pounds. I watch what I eat. I exercise.

I feel like I have such a chip on my shoulder. Like my body is failing me. My ovaries are not behaving like a 28 year old's should. This is the first time in my life that I want something so bad but have absolutely no control in making it happen. It is such a helpless feeling.

I just feel so tired of being heartbroken...of crying all of these tears. I'm so tired of longing for this. How many times should I put my body through this?

I'm taking 2 days off from work and I feel so relieved mostly because I've walking around with a fascade and I feel like a shell of myself. At least when I'm at home I can be real. No one knows we are doing this so I am leaning on God, my husband, and my best friend for support.

I couldn't help it but after the retrieval all I kept thinking about is moving on to the next step which is potentially using egg donors. I am at peace with this possibility if it means we can be parents.

I don't want to jump the gun because I'd like to do the recommended 3 cycles. I guess the quality of our embryo will give us a clearer direction...but somehow it feels good to have a plan.

When will our day finally come?

For now I will do everything and anything I need to, to keep this embie happy and comfortable. Someone in a couple of blogs mentioned pineapples. I will be eating many of them.

Please pray for us. Thank you for your support.

Triggered and Ready to Go

Tonight my husband gave me my trigger shot. I will go in tomorrow for bloodwork and sonogram.

My ovaries are ready to pop. I feel very sore and uncomfortable so when we got the call that we could trigger tonight I danced a little jig and was excited. One step closer...

We stimmed for 14 days (I know--crazy, huh?) My RE said something funny yesterday. He said "At this rate, you should be ready by Thanksgiving." It's funny! I don't care though cause slow and steady wins the race. Whoever created that phrase had my situation in mind.

The flare protocol seems to have been more effective. I can't tell you how many follicles I have, what my E2 levels are or any other technical thing I worried about last time.

That's how I wanted to embark on this cycle. I made the decision that for me when I knew too much, I worried too much. Why worry about something I have no control over. Instead this time around I have given my dream up to God. I just know that when it is God's time it will happen for us.

Getting to this point has been no small feat. It has taken me a while to not only accept this as our reality but in many ways embrace it so that I may learn something about myself, my husband, my faith. I'm glad I did because I can honestly say that I am a stronger woman because of this. I have learned that our dream is also our loved ones' dream. We feel very blessed to have so many people praying and hoping right along with us.

I am changed because of this reality and revelation.

On a lighter note this morning during our routine visit Dr. Hope came in and checked on my follies. He was silent while he printed out the sonogram photos. I asked him if things were good and he said, Yes things look much better than last time. My heart jumped and I turned and smiled at my husband. At that instant the radio started playing some James Brown "I feel good, dididididididi, I knew that I would..." It was hilarious!! Just another moment that proves that God has an awesome sense of humor!

Prayer Requests

I haven't really blogged because I have felt it important this time around to be more private. It's helped me to turn to God more and helped me stay away from googling every experience and question.

No one knows we are going through IVF again. We need prayers and support so if you happen to come across my blog today I ask that you please say a little prayer for us.

We had an early morning appointment this morning and found that we have 5-6 follicles. One is at 17mm the others are at 12mm & 10mm. This is day 10 of stimms. We knew that we would be stimming longer so we are just waiting for our follies to grow.

I am staying positive and believing that God is in control.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 4:6-7

Thank you for your prayers!

Feeling at Peace

Tomorrow will be day 5 on stims. I have a peace I can't really describe except to say that I know that this cycle and our dreams are in God's hands. I am believing and trusting that God's will be done.

I have this promise in my heart. This longing to be a mother that was placed there by God. I also am trusting that God will bless us with our long awaited miracle.

I have this scripture that I keep telling myself and reminding myself of:

Romans 8: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:31 What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

I started this blog to be able to chronicle this experience and be able to gain strength and hope from others who are going through this infertility journey. I hope tonight that I may be able to give a little bit of that hope and faith through God's word. Never give up!

My Birthday Wish

Today is my birthday. I only have one wish. I pray and am believing that it will come true. I am trusting God that this will finally be our time.

Lessons Learned...

So here we are again.

The waiting was so difficult. We should be used to this feeling by now. I guess it doesn't get any easier.

I have finished my bcp's. Tomorrow I will be going in for my baseline bloodwork.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of our second chance.

There are some lessons we learned:

Keep it private:I am naturally an open book. As I was in the throes of finding out about our reasons for not conceiving, I couldn't help but talk to others. I wanted information. I wanted testimonials of success. I wanted to know I wasn't alone. I got a lot of what I wanted but I also reaped the consequences of that. People asked questions...people gave opinions. We were pretty open with our family as well. I had mixed feelings about this because I wanted our family's prayers & support but I also felt like our life was out there for everyone. This made it so difficult when we had to share the bad news. Everyone was so encouraging but we don't want to put ourselves out there like that again.

The Rollercoaster Effect: In all of my reading of other's experiences through IVF, everyone has had ups and downs through their process. There are some appts. where you leave on top of the world....there are others where you think its over. This time around I am better prepared for what this is like.

Accept the things you can't change & make the best of what you can: This lesson speaks for itself.

P.U.P.O I will not utter these words again. The heart's desire is great...it drives you to want to believe with all of your being that you are pregnant at the moment of transfer. I will be more cautious the next time around--if only to perserve our sanity.

This time around it feels good to go through this privately. It's too important.

This time around we are wiser,stronger, more fearless. We pray that this will be it.