It didn't work...

The last couple of days have been hard on the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit.

I've been feeling my period coming for the last 2-3 days now. I know where this familiar feeling is coming from. I tried to think positively and acknowledge that there is a lot I don't know. For example, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant therefore I don't know if the things I normally feel when I'm going to get my period are part of being pregnant. I tried to calm myself by thinking these thoughts. It helped somewhat but it's such mind fuck when your heart and spirit is telling you what to believe but your physical being is telling you something else. How do you keep the faith when your body tells you your period is coming.

My husband and I made a pact that I would not POAS until Sunday morning. My Beta's on Monday. We agreed that it would be best in order to abate my neurosis. Yesterday was different though. I felt my period coming and didn't want to wait to see the blood. So after an emotional breakdown and much discussion we decided we would take the test this morning.

We took two. We agreed that I would do the tests and wait for my husband to go check the results. All the while, we both kept trying to be hopeful and keep our spirits up. Both said Not Pregnant. My husband came back into bed with me and held me. We held each other and my husband who normally is a rock broke down in tears. We just held each other totally devastated. This fucking hurts so bad.

We could cling on to false hope and wait for the bloodwork on Monday but why? I feel and know my period coming and I took two tests that came out negative. I'm aware of the stories of women who could've sworn they were getting their period but they were actually pregnant. I'm not one of them.

It's hard to write this and cope with the reality that our cycle failed. Our hearts were believing we would be the lucky ones who were successful after their 1st IVF.

It's hard not to think that this might never happen. We might never be successful. Will we ever have children?

We are grieving the loss of our two perfect embies: Two 8 cell embies. Why didn't this work? There are so many variables we can't control...so many aspects of this that we'll never understand.

Today I saw my best friend, my life partner of 10 years cry from frustration and disappointment. That year of trying on our own and all the months of IUI's...he always remained realistic and didn't get his hopes up. But not this time. My husband who is always the sound one allowed himself to become attached and hopeful. He said he began to envision the future. He allowed himself to go there. I wish I could take his pain away.

We are heartbroken and devastated.

On A Day Like Today...We were married.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

On a day like today we made vows to love one another through good times and bad.

This year has not been an easy one but when I think of walking this bumpy road I am so grateful to walk along holding his hand.

I love you more than anything.

One Moment at a Time...

I have heard people say that the 2 week wait can be more difficult than the whole IVF process. Now I understand why.

Despite all the hanging anticipation, I have been doing my best to live in the moment. I don't know what tomorrow may bring but for today I am pregnant. I am trusting that my body is taking care of these precious gifts. Most importantly, though I am trusting that everything will work out just as it should.

I keep thinking about all those times that we tried and how I wanted so much to believe that we were close but we weren't every really as close as we are now.

We have never gotten this far. Isn't that in and of itself totally amazing? Isn't it a miracle?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am trying my best not to worry about it.

You see, the thing is, I'm already in love. I look at the picture of my embies everyday. We tell them that we want them to get comfortable and burrow inside of me. I pray for them at every moment. They are already a part of me. They were created out of love, hope, patience, and perserverance. They are already survivors.

Then there's my husband who I love more than words can express. His desire to be a father is so great. I want with all of my heart for his dream to come true. The truth is, if there is anyone who deserves to be a father it is him. He has waited patiently. He has been so strong for me. He has picked me up off the floor so many times throughout this journey. He has this quiet strength about him. He has not always been as open as I have about my feelings. This has often worried me. Instead, he's focused on the opportunities. Always reminding me to keep my faith and hope alive. "It'll happen...Someday, baby"--he always says.

It's in his eyes. The desire. The unspoken prayers. The longing. It's in his eyes.

So I won't worry about tomorrow. I am trying my best to enjoy this process because enveloped in this anticipation is this gift. A gift of opportunity. A gift of promise.

Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have a chance at this. Two weeks ago, we weren't sure if we could create life. Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have embryos. Two weeks ago, we hadn't seen the embies. All of our dreams... in this little photograph.

Now we wait but we wait with a gift. Today we are closer to starting our family.

So yes, there's anticipation in the air but there is also a gratitude for where we've come from and how far we've gone.

I'll never regret this.

Bed Rest, Happy, & P.U.P.O

This morning I had my transfer. Two beautiful little embies were transferred which we have affectionately named Chubby & Nugget.

Dr. Hope said that we have many reasons to be hopeful.

The hardest part of the transfer was my full bladder. I could hear my Dr. prepping in the OR room for transfer and all I could think about was, let's get this show on the road so I can pee. Then once I was lying on the table the nurse used the sonogram and rubbed it on my stomach and said "Oh wow! yeah your bladder is full."

The sonogram was supposed to show the embies going in but I didn't really see it. It's ok b/c I thought it would be this magical moment of seeing a light that many describe. I was bummed about experiencing something like that without my husband (they didn't let him come in). So all in all I'm glad he didn't really miss anything.

It's very surreal to be on this side. This road was bumpy. All we kept praying for was a chance at this and God heard us. It's so amazing to internalize that I am P.U.P.O (pregnant until proven otherwise). Right now I have life floating in me.

We are just elated to have gotten to this point. Now I will trust that my body will take over and know how to take care of our embies.

I've been meditating and doing yoga throughout this cycle. It's been so incredible and has really helped to calm me.

I vow to trust this process and to take this day by day. Today we are absolutely over the moon to have a chance at having our dreams of starting our family come true.

Thank you to all who have been following our journey and praying for us. My deepest gratitude goes out to you all.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is only a dayyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaayyy! (Can you tell I'm excited?) Tomorrow morning is transfer day. I'm nervous too but I'm just trying to live this moment by moment.

We found out on Saturday that we have embryos. With male factor infertility, our biggest problem was that my hubby's sperm could not penetrate my egg(s). Even when I had a record 4-5 eggs on Clomid. Not one egg was fertilized. Imagine our excitement when we found out, through God's grace we made life. I haven't ceased in praying for these little lives that we want a chance to nurture. I want them with us. They belong with us so I am genuinely over the moon about getting the transfer. It will be the first time I have ever been this close.

Over the last couple of weeks, when thinking about the prospect of having embryos, I kept struggling about whether to remain detached to preserve my heart or allowing myself to connect with these little parts of us. I think my heart has decided for me.

Tomorrow will be emotional for us both. We have waited a long time to get this close. Despite the reality that this can end in one of two ways---one bringing us joy unimaginable, the other leaving us at square one---I don't want to think about anything other than I want them with me so that my body can take over and begin to take care of them.

I know in my core that no matter what I will be ok. My husband and I will be ok. God and I will be ok.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1



My husband and I

Egg Retrieval

Today is my egg retrieval and I'm feeling nervous and anxious. There is so much anticipation.

If anyone happens to come across my blog today, I ask that you please send us your prayers and good wishes.

We are feeling positive. We are staying positive. We have hope.

I'll update after ER.

**Update**

Egg Retrieval went well. I meditated before going this morning and that helped to calm my nerves. I was pretty calm which is HUGE for me. I would say the anticipation and waiting was probably the worst part. My husband is so amazing. He always makes me laugh when I'm nervous or anxious. He is my angel. I feel very blessed to have him as my husband.

I was out and before I knew it they woke me up and we were done. The whole process seemed to go by very quickly. I came home and rested. I feel great.

In about 15 minutes we will be doing the PIO shot. The nurses gave us a smaller needle to use since all 112 pounds of me and my a** cannot handle that looooong needle.

Whatever it takes. I am also on Medrol and Doxycycline.

We are excited and comforted by the notion that our eggs and our sperm met today. We are praying for our embryos. A nurse will call us tomorrow with an update.

Thanks so very much for your prayers!

Slow and Steady

It has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. If there is one word to describe an IVF cycle it would be unexpected. Such highs and lows.

Last night I felt so much back pain that I normally get when I ovulate. I was trying to keep the faith but a part of me was sure that I had ovulated. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck this morning during my sonogram. When Dr. Hope told me my follies were all there and that I didn't ovulate I could've kissed her. Actually I believe my exact words were "Oh Thank God! You made my day! I love you!!!" She smiled and said "you're so cute!" but she was probably thinking I was insane.

She also mentioned again the importance of quality over quantity since to date I have 3-4 follies. For all its worth, it was nice to hear. I felt encouraged.

Tonight at 11:15 pm my husband will give me my trigger shot. Egg retrieval is scheduled for this Friday at 10:15.

I continue to have faith and hope. I keep coming back to this and that is that no matter what the outcome I will not regret this. I am proud of us for coming this far.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Mixing Drugs

Tonight I started Menopur which is a drug that requires mixing as though it were a cocktail (hmm, I miss those). The needle was a little bigger than Lupron and Follistim. It hurt! I've been spoiled b/c every other injection has been a breeze. I guess its good preparation for the PIO shots.

I had another Dr.'s appt this morning. My 4 follies are growing and seem to be doing well. Their measurements are roughly 17, 15, 14, 10 (my little one that could). I am almost cooked. Egg retrieval is scheduled tentatively for this Friday. My next appointment is on Monday so hopefully we'll get a better sense by then.

Still believin' in my eggs. I pray that they are quality eggs. Keepin' the hope alive.

If you happen to come across my blog I ask that you please say a little prayer for us and our follies. Thank you so much!

Believing in my Follies

I'll keep this one short, if only just to remember what I felt and the positive state of mind I held on to.

My follies are growing...slow but steady. Today is day 7 of stims. I have 3 in the lead and 1 "very small" follie.

I believe in my follicles ability to grow. I am believing that they are quality eggs. I am believing that they will fertilize w/ ICSI. I am believing that they will be mature. I am believing that we have hope of life.

I am choosing to keep my eyes on the prize. I am choosing to be positive and hopeful. I am trying to align my thoughts to my husbands' which is "prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

Anyone who happens to visit my blog, I ask that you please say a little prayer for us. I'd appreciate it so very much. Thank you!

A Chance at this...

I had my dr.'s visit yesterday and they told me I have 4 follicles. They are small but right now I am trying to focus on the fact that it could be worse. I saw them on the sonogram. This doctor ( they circulate their doctors so on any given day who I see might change), who I love, told me he would show me everything. They have kept me on the high dosage of meds till Thursday when I have my next blood test and sonogram.

My Dr. told me that if I was 40 he would tell me to go towards getting donor eggs but because I'm young he said "we'll just keep trying." He told me that the prognosis is low for this cycle. I asked him how many follicles I should have and he said that it varies and everyone is different. He said "all we need is one." He held my hand and told me that he understands this all must be hard to hear and then he gave me a hug. He is very sensitive and empathetic, which is why I love him.

Right now they are waiting for my estrogen levels or E2 levels to go up and they are looking for my follicles to grow.

I have gone up and down emotionally yesterday & today trying to digest the information. I feel like I don't want to give up on my 4 "follies." In each of them there is the potential for life so for today I am choosing to be happy that at least I have eggs for this cycle. At least for today they have not cancelled my cycle.

I don't want to focus on what I don't have but rather on what I do have. I have a beautiful supportive husband, I have my support from friends and family, and I also feel such a sense of support from my fellow IFers who understand this road all too well. I love that I can turn to your stories and comments to make me feel less alone.

It's funny how all this time I kept thinking sperm was our only issue but lo and behold my eggs are too. I have 2 deep rooted beliefs though that no one can take: (1)Someday my husband and I will be parents...someday, somehow. (2)I know in my gut that I have good eggs in me.

For now I've got 4 follies. I am happy they are there. As long as they are there, there is hope. I am rooting them on so they will grow. I believe that anything is possible. For today, I choose to continue to look at what I have and not what I don't.

The funny thing is...I am trying to look forward and tell myself regardless of if this cycle fails or succeeds I just want a chance at this.

I attached this forum that I visited today and it made me feel so hopeful that despite the hurdles we can get pregnant. I am learning that the road may be longer but I will not give up.

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/689479-high-fsh-moms-pg-week-july-11th-everything-mentioned.html