Slow and Steady

It has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. If there is one word to describe an IVF cycle it would be unexpected. Such highs and lows.

Last night I felt so much back pain that I normally get when I ovulate. I was trying to keep the faith but a part of me was sure that I had ovulated. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck this morning during my sonogram. When Dr. Hope told me my follies were all there and that I didn't ovulate I could've kissed her. Actually I believe my exact words were "Oh Thank God! You made my day! I love you!!!" She smiled and said "you're so cute!" but she was probably thinking I was insane.

She also mentioned again the importance of quality over quantity since to date I have 3-4 follies. For all its worth, it was nice to hear. I felt encouraged.

Tonight at 11:15 pm my husband will give me my trigger shot. Egg retrieval is scheduled for this Friday at 10:15.

I continue to have faith and hope. I keep coming back to this and that is that no matter what the outcome I will not regret this. I am proud of us for coming this far.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Mixing Drugs

Tonight I started Menopur which is a drug that requires mixing as though it were a cocktail (hmm, I miss those). The needle was a little bigger than Lupron and Follistim. It hurt! I've been spoiled b/c every other injection has been a breeze. I guess its good preparation for the PIO shots.

I had another Dr.'s appt this morning. My 4 follies are growing and seem to be doing well. Their measurements are roughly 17, 15, 14, 10 (my little one that could). I am almost cooked. Egg retrieval is scheduled tentatively for this Friday. My next appointment is on Monday so hopefully we'll get a better sense by then.

Still believin' in my eggs. I pray that they are quality eggs. Keepin' the hope alive.

If you happen to come across my blog I ask that you please say a little prayer for us and our follies. Thank you so much!

Believing in my Follies

I'll keep this one short, if only just to remember what I felt and the positive state of mind I held on to.

My follies are growing...slow but steady. Today is day 7 of stims. I have 3 in the lead and 1 "very small" follie.

I believe in my follicles ability to grow. I am believing that they are quality eggs. I am believing that they will fertilize w/ ICSI. I am believing that they will be mature. I am believing that we have hope of life.

I am choosing to keep my eyes on the prize. I am choosing to be positive and hopeful. I am trying to align my thoughts to my husbands' which is "prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

Anyone who happens to visit my blog, I ask that you please say a little prayer for us. I'd appreciate it so very much. Thank you!

A Chance at this...

I had my dr.'s visit yesterday and they told me I have 4 follicles. They are small but right now I am trying to focus on the fact that it could be worse. I saw them on the sonogram. This doctor ( they circulate their doctors so on any given day who I see might change), who I love, told me he would show me everything. They have kept me on the high dosage of meds till Thursday when I have my next blood test and sonogram.

My Dr. told me that if I was 40 he would tell me to go towards getting donor eggs but because I'm young he said "we'll just keep trying." He told me that the prognosis is low for this cycle. I asked him how many follicles I should have and he said that it varies and everyone is different. He said "all we need is one." He held my hand and told me that he understands this all must be hard to hear and then he gave me a hug. He is very sensitive and empathetic, which is why I love him.

Right now they are waiting for my estrogen levels or E2 levels to go up and they are looking for my follicles to grow.

I have gone up and down emotionally yesterday & today trying to digest the information. I feel like I don't want to give up on my 4 "follies." In each of them there is the potential for life so for today I am choosing to be happy that at least I have eggs for this cycle. At least for today they have not cancelled my cycle.

I don't want to focus on what I don't have but rather on what I do have. I have a beautiful supportive husband, I have my support from friends and family, and I also feel such a sense of support from my fellow IFers who understand this road all too well. I love that I can turn to your stories and comments to make me feel less alone.

It's funny how all this time I kept thinking sperm was our only issue but lo and behold my eggs are too. I have 2 deep rooted beliefs though that no one can take: (1)Someday my husband and I will be parents...someday, somehow. (2)I know in my gut that I have good eggs in me.

For now I've got 4 follies. I am happy they are there. As long as they are there, there is hope. I am rooting them on so they will grow. I believe that anything is possible. For today, I choose to continue to look at what I have and not what I don't.

The funny thing is...I am trying to look forward and tell myself regardless of if this cycle fails or succeeds I just want a chance at this.

I attached this forum that I visited today and it made me feel so hopeful that despite the hurdles we can get pregnant. I am learning that the road may be longer but I will not give up.

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/high-fsh-premature-ovarian-failure/689479-high-fsh-moms-pg-week-july-11th-everything-mentioned.html

Unwavering Hope

I am on Day 4 of stims. The injections are not bad at all. Perhaps its my husbands' steady hand or my running mantra of "whatever it takes." The side effects though I'm definitely trying to deal with. Because of my suspected high FSH levels (my 1st was at 11 and my second was 7) I was put on a high dosage of folli*stim (450 units).

I went in on Sunday morning for my 1st bloodwork after starting the stims. Dr. Hope normally begins the sonogram and she normally speaks to me to tell me what she sees and this time she was quiet. She told me to wait and see what the bloodwork indicates. As she's leaving the room I ask her if everything looks okay and she smiles and shows me a pokerface and says "It's too early to tell." When she leaves I start to bawl. My husband says to calm down but I knew something was wrong.

The nurse calls me to tell the blood results and she says that they are going to increase my dosage because they are not happy with my response to the drugs. She tells me that I will be on the highest dosage of folli*stim (600 units). Tomorrow I go in for my bloodwork and sonogram. I don't know if she didn't see any follies or if there was only 1. I don't know and I feel like I should've asked but I was feeling so confident because I felt like my hormones (I still do) are on overdrive.

I literally fell apart yesterday because I know what this could mean for us: canceled IVF due to poor response. What if I can't ever produce enough follicles for a successful IVF?

I feel 100 different things all at once but most of all I feel like this is yet another hurdle to cross.

I ask you, whoever may read my blog today to please send out a prayer that my body may respond to the folli*stim. Please, I just want to have a chance at this. I don't want to end before we've even begun. Please lift my name up. I would appreciate it so very much. I feel like I need all the prayers I can get.

Thank you.

Today I feel brave...

I know its wordless Wednesday but these are my feelings and thoughts I wanted to share, write down, and remember...

Today I feel brave.

In life you are faced with decisions. Some of them hard to make, some of them easy.

We are and have been faced with a decision that we humbly made and accepted.

Life is full of risks. This is one of them. We won't know unless we try. So we will. The reality that I will begin stims on Thursday and that we will undergo IVF is unbelievable.

I'm in awe of the lengths one takes for love. I'm in awe of the perserverance love and the human spirit has. Whatever it takes to have a chance...you do it!

We won't know unless we try. So keeping this in mind somehow makes everything seem less scary.

I could go back to my safe little world where needles don't exist. Where terms like infertility don't plague me. Where unrealistic hopes reside. Where at every month looming heartbreak and disappointment are sure to be near. But isn't it worth the risk?

Yes, this road is scary. The unknown is scarier still but I would still choose this road if at the end of it my dreams of starting a family with my love were to come true.

This is a risk. The potential consequences are endless. The effects this can have on my body is very real. The things that could go wrong are real. I understand and I'm afraid.

But I feel like I'm at the top of a mountain about to jump off trusting God, in His loving grace, to catch me. Trusting that God will guard my heart and that He will catch me, like He has so many times before.

And so, its the leap of faith we will make...regardless of the outcome...we will never regret this.

When you want something with all of your heart, you leap out into the unknown with arms wide open. Our hearts full of hope.

Today I am proud of us for trying.

Today I feel brave.

~Love recognizes no barriers. It leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.~

A Visit From An Old Friend

Today an old beloved friend came to visit me. Over the last year and a half her visit used to leave me feeling emotionally drained, disappointed, and heartbroken. She used to cause me to be anxious and wait for signs of her arrival. In fact, I used to try and avoid her like the plague. Today when she showed up I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow or Monday. It was such a welcomed surprise that I yelled in excitement.

I am hoping her visit this time is the last one for a while. You see, with her arrival comes hope for a new beginning. This month her arrival is opening a door of opportunity. This may not be her last visit for this year but I'm praying with every bone in my body that it is. Because in her absence, I would receive an amazing gift.

Welcome my old friend! I've been waiting for you. Because of you this Thursday we will begin our stims. Thank you but don't come back for the next 9-10 months, k?

Emotional Day (may want to skip me today)

Today, I am feeling emotional about this process.

Today I am so scared to get emotionally invested in this cycle only to be disappointed and left heartbroken once again. For close to 2 years, this has been our experience.

Today I am worried about all the things that could go wrong before and during our IVF cycle. I'm worried about getting a BFP but only to miscarry later on. When do you allow yourself to be happy?

Today I am in awe of how miraculous conception is. The amount of things that need to go right. The fact that conception happens without medical intervention is simply amazing and beyond me. What a precious gift it is to be able to carry your child in your womb and even more precious when the child is born healthy.

Every baby is a complete miracle.
Today I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of losing my "normal." The idea of having a child has consumed me for the better part of 2 years. I'm emotionally spent.

Today I felt like all of the feelings (the excitement, the bonding, the love, the nurturing)that I have been longing to feel...the knowledge that my child is growing inside of me...All of this feels so far away. It hurts me to think that this may all be things I never experience. Maybe I'll never know what this feels like. Sometimes I feel like our time will come and other times I doubt that we'll ever get the chance.

I have moments when I step outside of myself and catch myself staring out my window, fazing out...lost in my thoughts. I am a shadow of who I was. I miss the naive-happy--go-lucky me. This experience has made me grow up and has tainted me in a way. I don't look at things in the same way anymore. This has caused a trauma.

Today my heart grieves for all of the broken dreams of parenthood out there. It is so unjust to see how many wonderful, capable, loving women (& husbands) are longing to become parents. There have been several women this week that have gone through loss and my heart just breaks for them. Why? This journey can be so unjust and can be so cruel.

Maybe its the waiting...pretty sure, its the hormones....definitely a combination of both.

Update: Lu*pron side effects: Holy Hot Flashes (check), Headaches (check), Emotional Basketcase (check). Ugh!

Therapeutic Music:
Scroll down to my music to Rob Thomas' Someday. It is such a great song...take a listen to the words....it speaks to me at this moment

Holy Hot Flashes!

Today was very interesting in terms of side effects. I had lunch with my best friend and we decided to eat outside. My best friend had her hair down and a thicker shirt than I did and she was fine. Normally, I am always cold. Well, today I had to skimp down to a tank top with my hair in a bun and I felt pure heat rising. I knew this had something to do with Lu*pron because I never feel that hot,ever.

So I felt like a menopausal woman. This made me feel so guilty for making fun of my mother as she went through menopause and had hot flashes. Yikes, it's biting me in my a**. Driving home, my AC was blasted on high while I wore a tank top. So funny!

On a happier note, my period is coming. I feel it coming. WooHoo!! For the past 2 years getting a visit from Aunt Flo was always unwelcomed and disheartening. This time around, I am counting the days. Once I get my period, I've been instructed to come in on that Thursday or Friday for my baseline bloodwork and for instructions for the stim injections. It's moving along.

Acupunture???

To acupunture or not to acupunture?

I am trying to decide what my "care and relaxation plan" will be.

There are things I definitely plan to do:

Yoga and meditation (a must for me)

What are people's thoughts on acupunture?

I am trying to determine whether or not I should get it since so many IF'ers seem to get acupunture.

I don't know if I'll like it. What's it like?