Oh the IRONY!!!

Birth control pills.

What else can I say?

I have been trying to avoid all obstacles to getting pregnant and I have just finished swallowing what I once considered to be a little miracle pill.

The fact that BCP's are the first step in creating life is beyond me. I am happy, hopeful, and excited to finally have a real chance at this. I want to stay this way but realistically I know I will have harder days so I will be kind to myself. I will allow myself to have hard days when I'll want to cry or vent.

A part of me feels so ready to dive in! Today is officially the first day of this process. I will be on BCP's for the next 3 weeks. Side effects? Not sure.

Today is day 1 of putting a foreign thing in my body. There will be many more days like these to come.

A Variation on the 365 Days Project

I have never been so happy to get my period in my life. For the last year and a half getting a visit from the red biotch was another devastating blow to the heart. This time it marked a new beginning.

We have officially begun IVF--at least the baby steps. Tomorrow I will go in for a sonogram and will get BCPs (a little more on that tomorrow). I will begin Lupron in a couple of weeks.

If you would've told me that the prospect of getting injected by a needle daily would be the highlight of my day...I would've told you, you have the wrong junkie but its true! I want to start this process yesterday. In true fashion, I am impatient.

In order to chronicle the journey into the major leagues that is IVF, I have decided to do a variation of 365 days project. I will blog everyday for the next 7 weeks in order to share exactly what this IVF experience is like.

Many might think...what are you crazy? Answer is simple, no.
Some might suggest...sounds ambitious but how will you find time? Answer is I'm not that busy, although that is a good excuse not to do this. I may cash in on this somedays.
Others might assume that I'm doing this mainly for myself. Answer is this is only 10% true. I would like to be able to look back at what it took to be able to hold and love our children.

But what many don't know (except for my husband who loves me anyway)is that I scour and riffle through blog after blog of IVF journeys. I want to know what its like...particularly when there is a happy ending. Perhaps my story can provide the same for others; information, inspiration, hope, understanding, faith, and laughter.

Here goes....Here's to unwavering hope, God, faith, and the miracle of science.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey.

IVF Consult--we are down on a list...

Tonight was pretty emotional...as I write this I have tears in my eyes.

We went to our IVF consult and met w/ one of the doctors who will be part of this journey...One of 4 Dr. Hope(s). It is official (well not until I write the $$$$$ check)

How is it that I can feel soooo incredibly excited, incredibly terrified, and sooooo incredibly anxious all at the same time?

I have so much hope that we will conceive our baby (babies) this summer.

I want to believe with every fiber of my being that this will be the road of success for us...after so many dead ends.

(side note) My heart was breaking tonight for 2 women who were seen before my husband and I...they were both crying, separately unbeknownst to each other. My heart was breaking for them b/c all I could think of is the pain they are going through...the all familiar heartbreak and mourning of how you always imagined your reproductive story would be....

The human spirit is so amazing, though cause we adjust and adapt and survive.

I said a couple of prayers for them....what I wanted to do was hold their hand and cry with them but for some reason there is this unspoken rule about being quiet and somber in the clinic. There are suttle smiles and avoidance of giving eye contact...you look anywhere else.

The Dr. said that out of all the patients I have a huge advantage, my age is a factor that definitely helps our cause...I hope w/ all of my heart that this is true.

The injections list and IVF protocol is scary but informative. We have a plan... we have a map to follow. This cycle is my last natural before IVF...which means that at the end of this cycle I begin BCP's and then Lupron injections.

I'm exhausted and am still processing all of the information.

Mother's Day

I am surprisingly hopeful on this day.

I am thankful for the technology available that will help us realize our dreams of starting our family.

I am grateful for our jobs that will allow us to pay for IVF. Still diff. but not impossible.

I feel good this Mother's Day. I hope that next year around this time I'll be a new mommy.

I am optimistic about IVF and hope that our day will soon come!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms and Mommys to be (especially those who have overcome IF).

I'm Expecting 5 cysts...Not quite what I expected...

So during a typical trip to the RE...after the all familiar magic wand was used...Dr. Hope found 5 cysts. This was supposed to be an uneventful, where do we go from here type of meeting.

Dr. Hope does not seem concerned and said they should be gone by next cycle. I hope so cause this was not something we were expecting.

We have an IVF consult on May 18th and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I am so ready.

After we left the RE office all I felt was that we had graduated to the major leagues. We will do whatever it takes.

I just haven't met you yet...

I don't know what it is about this song....it speaks to me. Apparently, as I've read other blogs other IFers feel the same way. I LOVE this song! It makes me feel happy!

Here is the song w/ lyrics

Here she blows...

So yesterday the bitch reared her ugly head. I am not hurting as I have in the past...although I am getting tired of the disappointment.

I am so tired of the ups and downs of this horrible rollercoaster. I have an appointment w/ my RE tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn cause I refuse to take any more days off of work for this right now. Work is my life force...its what's keeping me sane. I can't have another day in my head.

I am so tired of taking pregnancy tests w/ the hope that somehow maybe somehow I'll be one of those urban legends you hear about that get pregnant while preparing for IVF. Of course, this is not the path I'm on.

For whatever reason, beyond my understanding, these are the circumstances we've been presented with. The tough decisions that have to be made...the tears that have to be shed...the mental and emotional adjustments one has to make...the bank account that will be depleted all in hopes for an opportunity to bring a miracle baby into this world.

Will I ever be on the other side of this looking back? I miss who I was before this. I'm changed. We both are. Nothing is going to change that. Infertility is now a part of who we are but will parenthood be as well?

What IF...

This is hard. This list has been silent in my heart and in my head for so long...

What if I never really know how my husband's MFI has affected him or how its changed him?

What if I never get to hold my sleeping baby in my arms?

What if I never get to hold a little hand that trusts me to care of it?

What if I never hear "Mommy"?

What if I never get to right the wrongs of my childhood by imparting all the love I have to give to my child?

What if IF gets the best of us?

What if we never conquer infertility?

What if we are one of those couples who try and try and have many unsuccessful IVF's?

What if after all this waiting we finally are able to get pregnant and I miscarry?

What if I never recover from this heartbreak?

What if I never regain who I was before IF?

What if I never feel "whole"?

What if my husband never gets to hold our child in his arms?

What if we never experience reading -Pregnant- on the pregnancy test?


*********************************************************

What if IVF is it for us?
What if we never took the chance?
What if we lived in a different time and place, would we have been childless?
What if in 3 short months, I will be with child after all the tears and heartache?
What if in 3 short months, I finally cry tears of joy?
What if by this time next year, I will be pregnant or almost due?

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home&JServSessionIdr004=hxvjo80s02.app246b

Waiting but Doubtful

I am waiting for AF. Currently in the 2ww. This month I didn't feel confident about our timing w/ my ovulation or w/ the IUI...I did have 3 (maybe 5--2 small ones) eggs though, thanks to Clomid. I'm not holding my breath for this one.

It's ok though. I think I've finally accepted that IVF is the path we will be traveling. I just hope that our baby(s) will meet us on the other side. I will be meeting Dr. Hope on May 5th and we'll be discussing where to go from here.

This year and a half has not been easy but I am hopeful that someday soon we may see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just Relax (sing songy voice)

Today I happened to mention to my 37 year old assistant principal (who is currently pregnant after 2 months off of BCP)that my husband and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant and she said...wait for it...

"You just have to relax...just enjoy your time together and relax....also you should buy those (rambling a little b/c bless her heart, Ms. Fertile, she didn't have the lingo down) ovulatory or ovulation sticks." I smiled and said "yeah, we've used them." What I truly wanted to say was I know every name brand and kind there is and have used ALL of them...including the mother of ALL--the $200 beauty ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.

Every person that conceives easily uses this phrase. My hair dresser said "Just have a couple of glasses of wine and have fun." She having said that she counted to her cycle day 14 and she had sex and that was it!"

I hate the assumptions that are made regarding ttc. It so strange that people's first reaction when hearing one is having difficulty is "just relax"---where the fuck did everyone learn to use that as the token phrase?

As if relaxing is something that's never occurred to me. "Wow, your right, Sherlock! I hadn't considered relaxing through this process." As if relaxing is really all that is required to conceive. Fuck relaxin'---I'm off that boat....I'm way over on the other side of relaxing...with the other realists that know that stress can affect many things but conception of a child is not one of them.

Relaxing is not going to make my husbands' sperm penetrate my egg...there is no audio soundtrack of Enya's best hits playing in my womb when I try to meditate and take deep breaths. This is out of my control and the sooner I tell myself that the less feelings I have about it being my fault....the less guilt I have about thinking that I'm doing something wrong.

So fuck relaxing....I'm going to take this as it comes. If I want to cry, then I'll have myself a good long pity party. If I want to be mad at the world and it's injustice, then to hell it with it...I will. But one thing I will not tell myself is "just relax" (sing songy voice).



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