What IF...

This is hard. This list has been silent in my heart and in my head for so long...

What if I never really know how my husband's MFI has affected him or how its changed him?

What if I never get to hold my sleeping baby in my arms?

What if I never get to hold a little hand that trusts me to care of it?

What if I never hear "Mommy"?

What if I never get to right the wrongs of my childhood by imparting all the love I have to give to my child?

What if IF gets the best of us?

What if we never conquer infertility?

What if we are one of those couples who try and try and have many unsuccessful IVF's?

What if after all this waiting we finally are able to get pregnant and I miscarry?

What if I never recover from this heartbreak?

What if I never regain who I was before IF?

What if I never feel "whole"?

What if my husband never gets to hold our child in his arms?

What if we never experience reading -Pregnant- on the pregnancy test?


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What if IVF is it for us?
What if we never took the chance?
What if we lived in a different time and place, would we have been childless?
What if in 3 short months, I will be with child after all the tears and heartache?
What if in 3 short months, I finally cry tears of joy?
What if by this time next year, I will be pregnant or almost due?

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home&JServSessionIdr004=hxvjo80s02.app246b

Waiting but Doubtful

I am waiting for AF. Currently in the 2ww. This month I didn't feel confident about our timing w/ my ovulation or w/ the IUI...I did have 3 (maybe 5--2 small ones) eggs though, thanks to Clomid. I'm not holding my breath for this one.

It's ok though. I think I've finally accepted that IVF is the path we will be traveling. I just hope that our baby(s) will meet us on the other side. I will be meeting Dr. Hope on May 5th and we'll be discussing where to go from here.

This year and a half has not been easy but I am hopeful that someday soon we may see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just Relax (sing songy voice)

Today I happened to mention to my 37 year old assistant principal (who is currently pregnant after 2 months off of BCP)that my husband and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant and she said...wait for it...

"You just have to relax...just enjoy your time together and relax....also you should buy those (rambling a little b/c bless her heart, Ms. Fertile, she didn't have the lingo down) ovulatory or ovulation sticks." I smiled and said "yeah, we've used them." What I truly wanted to say was I know every name brand and kind there is and have used ALL of them...including the mother of ALL--the $200 beauty ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.

Every person that conceives easily uses this phrase. My hair dresser said "Just have a couple of glasses of wine and have fun." She having said that she counted to her cycle day 14 and she had sex and that was it!"

I hate the assumptions that are made regarding ttc. It so strange that people's first reaction when hearing one is having difficulty is "just relax"---where the fuck did everyone learn to use that as the token phrase?

As if relaxing is something that's never occurred to me. "Wow, your right, Sherlock! I hadn't considered relaxing through this process." As if relaxing is really all that is required to conceive. Fuck relaxin'---I'm off that boat....I'm way over on the other side of relaxing...with the other realists that know that stress can affect many things but conception of a child is not one of them.

Relaxing is not going to make my husbands' sperm penetrate my egg...there is no audio soundtrack of Enya's best hits playing in my womb when I try to meditate and take deep breaths. This is out of my control and the sooner I tell myself that the less feelings I have about it being my fault....the less guilt I have about thinking that I'm doing something wrong.

So fuck relaxing....I'm going to take this as it comes. If I want to cry, then I'll have myself a good long pity party. If I want to be mad at the world and it's injustice, then to hell it with it...I will. But one thing I will not tell myself is "just relax" (sing songy voice).



Read more: http://www.mylivesignature.com/mls_wizard2_1.php?sid=54488-146-09B7391C2AFF967218A5FCF1DC50DC89#ixzz0lsvWwDP1

Blogging Therapy

I am finding blogging and reading blogs therapeutic...especially when I feel so in need of hope.

There are so many brave and inspiring women who are a source of hope and triumph for me.

Today I had an IUI done. I have about 5 eggs. 4 (some are little) on the left, and 1 nice sized one on the right. My hubby had 4 million this time around, which seems to be his average....this is what happens after the sperm wash...after all the 2headed, tailess, crazies get out the way. sigh...

I think our timing was off this month...I ovulated before the IUI but nonetheless my RE took my bloodwork to verify that I did in fact surge or ovulate.

I am pretty much feeling like we missed our window of opportunity. I can't help feeling let down and disappointed. We have a lot weighing on this IUI b/c its our last one before heading down the path of IVF w/ ICSI.

It's so hard to not have control over so many little and big things. I want to know if we have done all we can.

I'm so hopeful and scared....

I'm so hopeful and scared at the same time. I can't help but feel anticipation for what may be in store for us this summer.

Right now, I feel like I'm buying time until we can move towards having a real shot.

IUI...It happens though, doesn't it. People get pregnant w/ like 1% morph. sometimes? Who's to say that wouldn't be us. A part of me wants to keep the hope alive for this month.

I'm obsessed...
I'm a shadow of who I was before IF...
I've forgotten who I used to be...

Ugh...

Last IUI before we pull out the big guns...

RE confirmed today that we are giving IUI with clomid another try but that if we are not successful we should move towards IVF. He started to describe how my husband's latest SA only indicated how my husband's sperm had an "inability to fertilize my egg."

We can't even consider having IVF until the summer time. Dr. said I would begin in May. He said I would start with Lupron shots and that they would monitor how my body responded. He said it was really a 2 month process before IVF.

I find it very difficult to go through the motions up until July. It's still so surreal. We have so much riding on IVF potentially being our answer that the idea of it not working is absolutely terrifying.

I think about how as difficult as this has been for us...If someone said that I could have it easier but it would be with someone else I would choose to stay with my husband. The truth is, we are so blessed...this just goes to show you can't have it all. I am grateful for all the blessings in our life together. I just want to be able to create a family with the love of my life.

I've succumbed to the 2ww website...

Ugh...I succumbed to the 2ww website to read about early pregnancy symptoms.

I gave in and found some satisfaction if only some ideas to entertain myself with/fantasize about.

I am afraid to be hopeful for fear of getting disappointed once more.

Do I feel different? Errr...no? yes?

I feel cramping on my lower back....errr...is that a sign that I am or not?

I felt slightly nauseaus this morning...errr...am I totally imagining this?

Am I creating an alternate universe where our 2nd IUI (3 follies but low sperm count)was successful. All you need is one,right?

I want so much to believe that IUI will be our ticket to parenthood. I'm prepared to go all the way but wouldn't it be great to defy the odds and conceive.

Ms. Irrationally Hopeful is back this month...I wonder how long she'll stay?

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I've never connected with this prayer as I do now. It has a new meaning for me. It speaks to my heart.

Aunt Flo rears her ugly head...I'm heartbroken

Aunt Flo came and once again I am heartbroken. I am telling myself its okay to mourn. I sit here in tears as I write this...

Infertility can sometimes be a silent aching...as much support as I have (my dh, my best friend, my therapist)...I sit and feel alone in my heartbreak.

I find myself lost in my thoughts....I look out the window and get lost in my hopes, memories, sadness, confusion, anger. I feel in some ways like I'm a shell of who I used to be.

I go through my days as a version of myself--I am not who I was. The second I leave work and sit in my car my thoughts come back to my longing.

I read recently that infertility causes trauma. I read this in a book I'm devouring entitled "Unsung Lullabies" where the author referred to IF as "reproductive trauma". I know that I am experiencing this. This is something that became a part of my journey in this life. This is something I will never forget and I just pray that we have something beautiful come from this.

I have hope. I just ask God for strength to do what it is we need to, to bring a precious miracle into this world.

It's not your fault, honey...(male factor infertility)

Finding out that I was ok was a relief...But these are not of those moments where you are happy its not you...
My husband is the most supportive, accepting, loyal, and loving person I know. If there is anyone that deserves to be a father, it is him.
It's got to be hard to hear that you are the reason you and your wife are not able to get pregnant. It's not something you wish on anyone. What do you do with that information?
It's not his fault.
One day, shortly after we got his SA results he said "I'm sorry" I said "why" and he said "because I am making this harder for us" He doesn't talk about it much b/c we both feel the need to be positive and strong for eachother....but I know he is feeling guilty or bad about it.
It's not your fault, honey...
These words don't make it better.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/infertility-limited-women-10027763