So I've been silent...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not as though I haven't been lurking other blogs, it's just that I really have nothing to say.

There is nothing to say...just waiting. Waiting...and more waiting.

I started school a week and 1/2 ago and have been super busy. Mentally, this is a plus. I've been able to redirect my thoughts.

Funny, though...recently I've taken to crying hysterically. The type of crying Oprah affectionately refers to as "the ugly cry." It kind of takes over me and I can't say I see it coming.

It tends to happen mostly when I'm driving home from work. I think this is because I am living the life of two people. In one life I play the role of someone all put together. The other life is where I am longing for a dream that seems so very far away. I get in my car and feel overwhelmed by emotions. Putting on a brave face takes it's toll.

Being in my line of work it's difficult to make a clean break from thinking about children...children are an integral part of my career. This year I've got a couple of little girls in my classroom that are completely sweet and are constantly giving me hugs. To say I love their affection is an understatement.

Today, I was showing my kids a powerpoint presentation to share a little about myself and my life. I showed them a family picture where it was apparent (I thought mostly to me) that my husband and I were the only ones without children. Innocently, one of my students ask, "Don't you have any children?" I said, "No, not yet." Another child asked, "Do you want to have children?" I was taken aback by being asked such poignant questions by my 6-7 year olds. Questions that hurt my heart. "Yes, I'd love to. Hopefully someday." Then another child said "Then you'll be one of those teachers who has a huge belly (little arms outstreched in front of her)." I smiled at her and shook my head as I thought...from your lips to God's ears, I thought.

I am living with pain that comes and goes. In fact, there are times when my husband and I are laughing and joking around that I think remember this, see, despite everything...you still smiled.

There are days that I'm certain that someday our day will come and there are other times when everything seems so uncertain.

I am living with hope. I am also living with a broken heart.

Why are you not pregnant?

Why are you not pregnant? Ahh yes...a question we've asked ourselves many heartbreaking times.

Today I went in to my clinic for bloodwork and for a sonohystogram. A couple of days ago I officially got the ok to start on BCP for our IVF cycle.

I went in to get the sonohystogram done which I was very nervous about because the last time I got an HSG done it was incredibly painful. I thought today would be much of the same but it turned out to be ok. Only hurt a little because of the cramping.

Sonohystogram (check) BCP (check) No cysts = green light (check)

I then went in for my bloodwork. The other day I got a call from one of the IVF nurses and she said "Hi, just wanted you to fast on the morning of your appointment because Dr. Hope noticed your prolactin levels were on the high side." I was like, "my what?" She repeated "prolactin levels" and I said, "what is that?" and she repeated "prolactin" as if I'm supposed to know what on earth she is talking about. When I asked her again, "yes what is prolactin (apparently I needed to be very clear)? She said it's just one of the hormones we test. I got off the phone thinking...great my prolactin levels are high. It's just funny what this infertility process is like.

I went from having non-eventful doctor appts. my whole life to finding out something new about my body in every visit...usually they haven't been great news. So far the only positives I have are that I'm young and so are my eggs. But for some unknown reason I don't have many and my hormones are out of whack. WTF?

Anyway, as I was getting my bloodwork done in walks my first Dr. Hope (the Chief of the clinic who we started this journey with by doing IUI's.) When our 3 months of trying IUI proved unsuccessful he assured my husband and I that we will be pregnant by this summer. His confidence was contagious and I remember telling him "I hope so" and he looked me in the eyes and said "oh, you will." Then reiterated all of the positive factors we have on our side, namely my age.

So today my original Dr.Hope said "How are you?" I answered that I was ok. He said "what are you in for?" I saw his face perhaps thinking that today was BETA day. Oh my friend how mistaken you are... I said, "I'm in today to start up my second IVF cycle. I said the first one didn't work." He asked me the question that has been hanging over my husband and I for the past month... "Why are you not pregnant?" he said in what one might interpret as a demanding tone...as if I had willed my body to not let implantation happen. I said, "I don't know why. We had an embryo that had a grade of AA and one with AB. They were excellent quality they just didn't stick."

The nurse then agreed "you should've gotten pregnant." In the back of my mind I was thinking-- uhh yeah that was the general idea. As Dr. Hope walked away I said, "I hope we have better luck with our second cycle," I smiled. He nodded his head and went in to see another patient. I can't help feeling like I was being scolded for something.

Our clinic and its doctors have been mostly encouraging about our chances. I've been cautiously optimistic but I am not a typical 27 year old apparently. It is what it is.

On the flip side, my husband and I have a resolve that gives me peace and that it is very simply...we will keep trying...whatever it takes. It's that simple. It's that important to us. We have resolve, acceptance, and hope.

Someday it will all be worth it.

Starting Over

Tomorrow we will be meeting with Dr. Hope to get a sonogram and to start me on birth control pills if all goes well. I am hoping that we are given the green light.

I've heard this been described before by other women and now I understand...

The waiting is so difficult. Women who go through many cycles of IVF describe this. The ups and downs of coming off a cycle and beginning another one. I am anxious to get started with this cycle but also scared.

I feel renewed and wiser this time around. I have begun meditating and practicing yoga. I'm glad that I found something that for me has been life changing and helps me to calm my anxiety and is giving me tools that help me deal with stress. I guess I can thank the experience of infertility for that...hmmm never thought I'd say that.

I am excited but am beginning to feel the nervousness I did the first time around when I think of all that is at stake. I now know what it's like to be on the other side of this...to have so much hope and to have to face the reality that despite everything that was positive (2 beautiful embryos) we still didn't get our positive.

It's scary to be getting on this rollercoaster again but I have to believe that this time it will be different. I choose to believe that it will. What else do I have but to have faith and hope?

Dreams

All throughout this journey I've wanted to have dreams...if at least to see myself pregnant or holding our child in my arms.

You would think that I'd be dreaming about this constantly being as it seems to be all encompassing in my life.

A couple nights ago I had a dream that my husband and I were in the hospital. I was in labor and felt a lot of pain. But the funny thing was that initially I was not aware that I was pregnant. The nurse gave me a reassuring look and said something like "We're ready." The acknowledgement that I was not only pregnant but that I would be giving birth to this long-awaited miracle was truly overwhelming. The kind of dream where you are crying and realize when you wake up that you are still crying. My husband's face was priceless. The certainty that the struggles of this journey had been fruitful was more than my heart could take. I was incredibly happy at the thought that we would be holding our child in a little while.

Last night, I had a dream that I was holding this little infant but something was trying to take it away. The baby was wrapped in a blanket. In my dream I kept trying to find quiet and safe places to hold and kiss this baby. This dream was so strange.

Anyway, this waiting period is very difficult. I should be very familiar with this. I'm anticipating going back to work and am a little anxious. I think getting back into the grind will be good for me mentally. I'm a little anxious about hearing "news" from women I work with. Like guess who's pregnant? Not to mention that a few of my closest colleagues knew about our plans to do IVF during the summer. I don't know how to approach this if it comes up. If they ask me how I'm doing or how did it go? I know it's my business and no one elses. I think this time I will be much more private. Any suggestions?

Our Appointment

Today we went to our follow up appointment which is affectionately referred to as the WTF appointment.

Dr. Hope shared our sentiment. Dr. Hope started to tell us that even she was at a loss for why our embryos didn't make it. We had a grade of AA (which she said is very, very rare in their lab for any embryo to get that grading) and AB (also beautiful). She actually said she thought our pregnancy would be a "sure thing." She said that if she were me, knowing the quality of our embryos. she would continue trying until she had a baby. Dr. Hope seems to really believe that although I don't produce as many eggs for someone my age, that the eggs I do have are great quality.

For the next cycle Dr. Hope is using a different protocol which is what I wanted to hear. First cycle we learned about how I reacted to the protocol. So we will be forgoing Lupron. Starting stimms full force in hope of getting more eggs.

We will be getting back on the saddle this upcoming cycle. I am more than ready. I feel so empowered by having the experience...knowing what the whole process is like...the shots, ER, ET gives me a sense of peace. Inevitably, I will be less anxious, scared, or nervous about the process. I can't wait!

Moving on...Moving Forward!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Here we are...

Seeking comfort, support, encouragement, positivity. We are a network of women who know all too well that having a baby is not as easy as some make it seem.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have been TTC to for a year and a half. We found out that we have MFI and as I underwent testing we found out that I have a high fsh level which indicates to possible diminished ovarian reserve. We were told our surest bet was to have IVF w/ ICSI.

Excitedly and full of hope we underwent IVF w/ ICSI in July. I didn't respond as well as they would've hoped so we were on pins and needles the whole cycle wondering if my eggs then our embryos were going to make it to transfer. Unfortunately, even though we had 2 beautiful embryos our result was a BFN. We were heartbroken and pretty devastated.

My husband and I came back from our getaway vacation. We feel renewed in a sense and ready to get back on the saddle. On Tuesday, we will be meeting with my doctor who I affectionately refer to as Dr. Hope. We will be discussing our upcoming IVF cycle. What our protocol will be? I feel ready to move on.

We are determined to start our family. With the support of friends and family, it feels like all of our loved ones share in our dream.

I feel strengthened by your stories and your voices. I hope our story can do the same for you.


St. David's Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

It comes in waves...

This week has been eye opening. I've learned once again about human endurance. How we fall down and get back up again. How hope which can sometimes seem hard to hold on to still remains.

My beta was obviously negative. My period finally came today. The waiting was hard. Knowing it didn't work, I just kept waiting for my period to come so I could finally have closure. I thought I would be emotional. I thought it would be hard. Although we are sad, I feel ready to move on.

This week I decided to look into changing my insurance (I'm currently under my husband's) which I wasn't even sure I could do. My insurance covers a good portion of IVF and meds. I was accepted and will be signing paperwork in the next couple of weeks. Good news.

We will be meeting with Dr. Hope in the next couple of weeks to discuss where we go from here. We have at least another fresh cycle because we paid for multi-cycles.

My sister in law, who battled infertility and now has 2 beautiful children, had the most encouraging message. She told me that at their most difficult (she miscarried at week 25) she decided to make something positive out of something negative...determination. I loved her using this word because this process can make you feel very helpless.

We are ready to push forward and move on. I'm sure throughout the next couple of weeks we will be going through emotional ups and downs but we are trying to keep our eyes on the prize.

My husband and I will be going away...taking some time together. We are looking forward to it.

It didn't work...

The last couple of days have been hard on the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit.

I've been feeling my period coming for the last 2-3 days now. I know where this familiar feeling is coming from. I tried to think positively and acknowledge that there is a lot I don't know. For example, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant therefore I don't know if the things I normally feel when I'm going to get my period are part of being pregnant. I tried to calm myself by thinking these thoughts. It helped somewhat but it's such mind fuck when your heart and spirit is telling you what to believe but your physical being is telling you something else. How do you keep the faith when your body tells you your period is coming.

My husband and I made a pact that I would not POAS until Sunday morning. My Beta's on Monday. We agreed that it would be best in order to abate my neurosis. Yesterday was different though. I felt my period coming and didn't want to wait to see the blood. So after an emotional breakdown and much discussion we decided we would take the test this morning.

We took two. We agreed that I would do the tests and wait for my husband to go check the results. All the while, we both kept trying to be hopeful and keep our spirits up. Both said Not Pregnant. My husband came back into bed with me and held me. We held each other and my husband who normally is a rock broke down in tears. We just held each other totally devastated. This fucking hurts so bad.

We could cling on to false hope and wait for the bloodwork on Monday but why? I feel and know my period coming and I took two tests that came out negative. I'm aware of the stories of women who could've sworn they were getting their period but they were actually pregnant. I'm not one of them.

It's hard to write this and cope with the reality that our cycle failed. Our hearts were believing we would be the lucky ones who were successful after their 1st IVF.

It's hard not to think that this might never happen. We might never be successful. Will we ever have children?

We are grieving the loss of our two perfect embies: Two 8 cell embies. Why didn't this work? There are so many variables we can't control...so many aspects of this that we'll never understand.

Today I saw my best friend, my life partner of 10 years cry from frustration and disappointment. That year of trying on our own and all the months of IUI's...he always remained realistic and didn't get his hopes up. But not this time. My husband who is always the sound one allowed himself to become attached and hopeful. He said he began to envision the future. He allowed himself to go there. I wish I could take his pain away.

We are heartbroken and devastated.

On A Day Like Today...We were married.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

On a day like today we made vows to love one another through good times and bad.

This year has not been an easy one but when I think of walking this bumpy road I am so grateful to walk along holding his hand.

I love you more than anything.

One Moment at a Time...

I have heard people say that the 2 week wait can be more difficult than the whole IVF process. Now I understand why.

Despite all the hanging anticipation, I have been doing my best to live in the moment. I don't know what tomorrow may bring but for today I am pregnant. I am trusting that my body is taking care of these precious gifts. Most importantly, though I am trusting that everything will work out just as it should.

I keep thinking about all those times that we tried and how I wanted so much to believe that we were close but we weren't every really as close as we are now.

We have never gotten this far. Isn't that in and of itself totally amazing? Isn't it a miracle?

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am trying my best not to worry about it.

You see, the thing is, I'm already in love. I look at the picture of my embies everyday. We tell them that we want them to get comfortable and burrow inside of me. I pray for them at every moment. They are already a part of me. They were created out of love, hope, patience, and perserverance. They are already survivors.

Then there's my husband who I love more than words can express. His desire to be a father is so great. I want with all of my heart for his dream to come true. The truth is, if there is anyone who deserves to be a father it is him. He has waited patiently. He has been so strong for me. He has picked me up off the floor so many times throughout this journey. He has this quiet strength about him. He has not always been as open as I have about my feelings. This has often worried me. Instead, he's focused on the opportunities. Always reminding me to keep my faith and hope alive. "It'll happen...Someday, baby"--he always says.

It's in his eyes. The desire. The unspoken prayers. The longing. It's in his eyes.

So I won't worry about tomorrow. I am trying my best to enjoy this process because enveloped in this anticipation is this gift. A gift of opportunity. A gift of promise.

Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have a chance at this. Two weeks ago, we weren't sure if we could create life. Two weeks ago, we didn't know if we would have embryos. Two weeks ago, we hadn't seen the embies. All of our dreams... in this little photograph.

Now we wait but we wait with a gift. Today we are closer to starting our family.

So yes, there's anticipation in the air but there is also a gratitude for where we've come from and how far we've gone.

I'll never regret this.