Unwavering Hope

I am on Day 4 of stims. The injections are not bad at all. Perhaps its my husbands' steady hand or my running mantra of "whatever it takes." The side effects though I'm definitely trying to deal with. Because of my suspected high FSH levels (my 1st was at 11 and my second was 7) I was put on a high dosage of folli*stim (450 units).

I went in on Sunday morning for my 1st bloodwork after starting the stims. Dr. Hope normally begins the sonogram and she normally speaks to me to tell me what she sees and this time she was quiet. She told me to wait and see what the bloodwork indicates. As she's leaving the room I ask her if everything looks okay and she smiles and shows me a pokerface and says "It's too early to tell." When she leaves I start to bawl. My husband says to calm down but I knew something was wrong.

The nurse calls me to tell the blood results and she says that they are going to increase my dosage because they are not happy with my response to the drugs. She tells me that I will be on the highest dosage of folli*stim (600 units). Tomorrow I go in for my bloodwork and sonogram. I don't know if she didn't see any follies or if there was only 1. I don't know and I feel like I should've asked but I was feeling so confident because I felt like my hormones (I still do) are on overdrive.

I literally fell apart yesterday because I know what this could mean for us: canceled IVF due to poor response. What if I can't ever produce enough follicles for a successful IVF?

I feel 100 different things all at once but most of all I feel like this is yet another hurdle to cross.

I ask you, whoever may read my blog today to please send out a prayer that my body may respond to the folli*stim. Please, I just want to have a chance at this. I don't want to end before we've even begun. Please lift my name up. I would appreciate it so very much. I feel like I need all the prayers I can get.

Thank you.

Today I feel brave...

I know its wordless Wednesday but these are my feelings and thoughts I wanted to share, write down, and remember...

Today I feel brave.

In life you are faced with decisions. Some of them hard to make, some of them easy.

We are and have been faced with a decision that we humbly made and accepted.

Life is full of risks. This is one of them. We won't know unless we try. So we will. The reality that I will begin stims on Thursday and that we will undergo IVF is unbelievable.

I'm in awe of the lengths one takes for love. I'm in awe of the perserverance love and the human spirit has. Whatever it takes to have a chance...you do it!

We won't know unless we try. So keeping this in mind somehow makes everything seem less scary.

I could go back to my safe little world where needles don't exist. Where terms like infertility don't plague me. Where unrealistic hopes reside. Where at every month looming heartbreak and disappointment are sure to be near. But isn't it worth the risk?

Yes, this road is scary. The unknown is scarier still but I would still choose this road if at the end of it my dreams of starting a family with my love were to come true.

This is a risk. The potential consequences are endless. The effects this can have on my body is very real. The things that could go wrong are real. I understand and I'm afraid.

But I feel like I'm at the top of a mountain about to jump off trusting God, in His loving grace, to catch me. Trusting that God will guard my heart and that He will catch me, like He has so many times before.

And so, its the leap of faith we will make...regardless of the outcome...we will never regret this.

When you want something with all of your heart, you leap out into the unknown with arms wide open. Our hearts full of hope.

Today I am proud of us for trying.

Today I feel brave.

~Love recognizes no barriers. It leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.~

A Visit From An Old Friend

Today an old beloved friend came to visit me. Over the last year and a half her visit used to leave me feeling emotionally drained, disappointed, and heartbroken. She used to cause me to be anxious and wait for signs of her arrival. In fact, I used to try and avoid her like the plague. Today when she showed up I wasn't expecting her until tomorrow or Monday. It was such a welcomed surprise that I yelled in excitement.

I am hoping her visit this time is the last one for a while. You see, with her arrival comes hope for a new beginning. This month her arrival is opening a door of opportunity. This may not be her last visit for this year but I'm praying with every bone in my body that it is. Because in her absence, I would receive an amazing gift.

Welcome my old friend! I've been waiting for you. Because of you this Thursday we will begin our stims. Thank you but don't come back for the next 9-10 months, k?

Emotional Day (may want to skip me today)

Today, I am feeling emotional about this process.

Today I am so scared to get emotionally invested in this cycle only to be disappointed and left heartbroken once again. For close to 2 years, this has been our experience.

Today I am worried about all the things that could go wrong before and during our IVF cycle. I'm worried about getting a BFP but only to miscarry later on. When do you allow yourself to be happy?

Today I am in awe of how miraculous conception is. The amount of things that need to go right. The fact that conception happens without medical intervention is simply amazing and beyond me. What a precious gift it is to be able to carry your child in your womb and even more precious when the child is born healthy.

Every baby is a complete miracle.
Today I am feeling tired. I am feeling tired of losing my "normal." The idea of having a child has consumed me for the better part of 2 years. I'm emotionally spent.

Today I felt like all of the feelings (the excitement, the bonding, the love, the nurturing)that I have been longing to feel...the knowledge that my child is growing inside of me...All of this feels so far away. It hurts me to think that this may all be things I never experience. Maybe I'll never know what this feels like. Sometimes I feel like our time will come and other times I doubt that we'll ever get the chance.

I have moments when I step outside of myself and catch myself staring out my window, fazing out...lost in my thoughts. I am a shadow of who I was. I miss the naive-happy--go-lucky me. This experience has made me grow up and has tainted me in a way. I don't look at things in the same way anymore. This has caused a trauma.

Today my heart grieves for all of the broken dreams of parenthood out there. It is so unjust to see how many wonderful, capable, loving women (& husbands) are longing to become parents. There have been several women this week that have gone through loss and my heart just breaks for them. Why? This journey can be so unjust and can be so cruel.

Maybe its the waiting...pretty sure, its the hormones....definitely a combination of both.

Update: Lu*pron side effects: Holy Hot Flashes (check), Headaches (check), Emotional Basketcase (check). Ugh!

Therapeutic Music:
Scroll down to my music to Rob Thomas' Someday. It is such a great song...take a listen to the words....it speaks to me at this moment

Holy Hot Flashes!

Today was very interesting in terms of side effects. I had lunch with my best friend and we decided to eat outside. My best friend had her hair down and a thicker shirt than I did and she was fine. Normally, I am always cold. Well, today I had to skimp down to a tank top with my hair in a bun and I felt pure heat rising. I knew this had something to do with Lu*pron because I never feel that hot,ever.

So I felt like a menopausal woman. This made me feel so guilty for making fun of my mother as she went through menopause and had hot flashes. Yikes, it's biting me in my a**. Driving home, my AC was blasted on high while I wore a tank top. So funny!

On a happier note, my period is coming. I feel it coming. WooHoo!! For the past 2 years getting a visit from Aunt Flo was always unwelcomed and disheartening. This time around, I am counting the days. Once I get my period, I've been instructed to come in on that Thursday or Friday for my baseline bloodwork and for instructions for the stim injections. It's moving along.

Acupunture???

To acupunture or not to acupunture?

I am trying to decide what my "care and relaxation plan" will be.

There are things I definitely plan to do:

Yoga and meditation (a must for me)

What are people's thoughts on acupunture?

I am trying to determine whether or not I should get it since so many IF'ers seem to get acupunture.

I don't know if I'll like it. What's it like?

Topsy Turvy, a metaphor for IVF

Our "embies"



Over the last month or so my husband has taken on a new project. He has been wanting to grow vegetables,mainly tomatoes. After much talk and snickering on my end, he bought the As Seen on TV "Topsy Turvy."

As soon as he began we noticed correlations between the process for growing tomatoes and IVF.

1. Plant the best looking seeds in a pot. Prepare the Topsy Turvy for transfer. (In our case, hopefully the best eggs are in my "pot" and my womb is preparing for transfer soon!)
2. In the interim the plants are being given fertilizer daily, water, and sun. (In our case, I'm given Lu*pron & Stims daily in order to help fertilize me!)
3. The seeds will grow for about 2-3 weeks in the pot and will need to be retrieved.(In our case, we will be "growing eggs" for about 8-12 days during stims).
4. Retrieval Time! Only the best plants will be chosen--we chose the 3 healthiest most mature plants to be retrieved because of their higher chances of bearing fruit.
(In our case, we hope to retrieve enough eggs to increase our chances of bearing fruit)
5. Transfer Time! Mature plants are now transfered into the waiting Topsy Turvy that has been receiving sunlight in preparation for the transfer. (In our case, hopefully 2 mature embryos will transferred into my uterus which has been receiving PIO shot in preparation for transfer)
6. Now we wait a couple of weeks to see if the roots will implant and take hold of the soil. (In our case, we wait a couple of weeks to see if our embryos take hold and implant themselves in my uterus.)
7. In approx. 2 weeks we should get signs of success. (In our case, you get the point)

I will keep you posted on the growth of our tomatoes.



Our "transfered embies"

Crazy,eh? I know!!! Just go with me on this one. You gotta admit, the similarities are uncanny!

(By the way, I hope no one deems me insensitive. I know IVF is in no means as trivial as growing tomatoes. I just thought I'd add a little humor to our experience).

Addicted...

My name is A and I am addicted to injections...

For the first time in this crazy rollercoaster there is something we can actually do. This thought amazes me to the point that I want to come home and get another shot. I feel so excited about actually having a real chance at conceiving. Any time we tried before, the odds were so low. Now it feels like we have somewhat of a leveled playing field.

I am going into this very realistically--even if the 1st time doesn't work (or 2nd, or 3rd...) I am so incredibly happy to actually be doing something constructive. We are aiding the process in some way.

I am LOVING the morning injections. We are both actually giddy afterwards. I know, crazy!!!

Reactions so far: I get hot flashes for about 20 minutes after the shot but other than that it's been a piece of cake. The needle is tiny and all I feel is a pinch. Regardless of the needle size and level of pain...we are determined to do whatever it takes.

Counting the hours till I can aid this process again! Come on Lu*pron!!!

Happy ICLW!

This is my second month participating and have found the women who share their stories to be so incredibly strong and brave. I stand in awe and filled with love for all of us going through this sisterhood of unfortunate events together. Thank you for sharing your journey and being a source of inspiration. Knowing you are all out there, a network of women who know exactly what I'm going through is invaluable to me.

Welcome one and all to my IVF journey!

Lu*pron Easy Breezy

This is a picture of life as we know it from now on: O.J. (check), vitamin water (check),bread (check), eggs (check), Lu*pron (check)... too funny!

Yesterday evening we had my last appointment before we started injections. My beloved cysts shrunk to under 10 mm so I was super happy to be given the green light. As Dr. Hope walked out she was reminding me how I will begin injections and how I will be coming in a couple of weeks to begin the stims and be monitored. I said "So its go time!" She laughed and said "Yes, it's go time!" LOVE IT!!!

So last night we received our order of Lu*pron. I cannot tell you how completely ecstatic I was. As strange as this sounds, I couldn't wait for my injection. There is finally something that we can do. Something we can control in this rollercoaster!

This morning I woke up a slight bit nervous but mostly roaring to go. I kept telling myself "I can do this!" The injection was a breeze and my husband was so great. He is so even keel that it puts me completely at ease. In fact, he injected me and I was like "That's it? Did it go in?" Granted the needle is tiny...these are small feats, I'm going to allow myself to be proud of us anyway. Now we wait for reactions like hot flashes, headaches, and mood swings(can't wait for this!)

There is something about me that I am trying to resolve and that is that I am a chronic worrier...it runs in my family. I am vowing to myself to take a different perspective for the 1st time in my life. My outlook and positivity is so important to my sanity through this process. Whatever the outcome of this, I want to look back thinking I didn't stress the way I ALWAYS do. I came up w/ coping mechanisms.

School is over in a couple of days. I will be taking part of a summer school program that will keep me busy enough to not go stir crazy but will be laid back enough that I can make all of my appointments. I have begun doing meditation and yoga. I feel relaxed and open for all that lies ahead. For the first time in my life, I will not allow myself to be driven by anxiety and worry.

I pray that my faith, my determination, and positivity will help me stay focused on the prize.