Beauty for Ashes

My relationship with my husband is always evolving. We have been together for 10 years and I am so thankful for our love. We have had a pretty picture perfect relationship. I am married to my favorite person in the world.

Nonetheless,over the last couple of months, we have been arguing and having these explosive fights...it's been exhausting. All of my insecurities, fears, and doubts about my marriage and relationship have surfaced. At times we've both questioned whether we should be trying to have a baby b/c of our constant arguing. I am married to the most patient person in the world. No one is perfect but Lord knows its not always easy to love me.

For some unknown reason I feel like I'm being made to confront all of my baggage. I can't help but feel as though God is working on me. I'm being molded and shaped...I'm preparing myself and our relationship for this very important next step in our journey together.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me...(He will) bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release them from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61

I believe in God's promise. I'm just riding this wave right now but I know that God is here. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted this as our path. I'm ready to open my arms again to faith. I am believing that he'll give my husband and I beauty for ashes.

Polished Teeth and A Jab at the Heart

Everything that requires long term planning is linked to my desire to achieve a healthy pregnancy.

Case in point: I had a routine dentist visit, when my dentist mentioned I'll be back in December for my 6 month cleaning. All at once her voice became a faded sound (like the waugh waugh waugh from Charlie Brown). All I could think of is "I wonder if I'll be pregnant by then?" and "Imagine I come back w/ a big ole' belly??" I'd be over the moon happy.

She shook me from that little daydream when she asked me a perfectly innocent question as she went to give me my x-rays "You are not pregnant, right?" At that moment I felt a jab at my heart and a lump in my throat.

You ladies know the kind I'm speaking of. These moments I liken to when I was told to "just relax and it'll happen" or "Guess who's pregnant?" or "It just happened. We weren't even planning it!" and so many other moments like these. I'm sure we all have a collection of these stories.

Anyway, I answered pretty abruptly, "No." I guess it came out a little defensive but she then said "Oh just checking cause you know we can't do the x-rays if you were. Great! You're not pregnant. Let's go on to the x-rays." Great!

Sigh...when will these little moments not get to me. Nonetheless, I walked out with polished teeth and a jab at the heart!

Miss Info...

Right now I'm ravenous for information....I've been holding on to the little I can control and staying on top of any appts. that need to be made. My husband and I are figuring out finances being as the big payment will be needed in a couple of weeks.

So as it turns out I was supposed to start Lupron next week. Because of my work I can't come in every other day for bloodwork just yet. I'm an elementary school teacher and am bogged down by progress reports, reading record cards, permanent record cards, and report cards. Needless to say June is a very busy month; tying all loose ends. Therefore, I will be continuing my BCP's until the 29th. I will be going in next Tuesday for my trial of transfer.

Lupron begins June 22. I cannot begin to explain how freakin' excited I am to get this party started. By party, I mean getting shot up w/ hormones, obviously : )

I tell you, it is the oddest things that rock my boat recently. The highlight of my day today was going through my tentative schedule for IVF. Woohoo! There's a mapped out plan. Just the way I like it!

Today is Day 8 on BCP's. Keep keepin' on!

My mind is on other things! Hallelujah!

Today was nice...

I thought of other things today...hallelujah.

A couple of times I caught myself actually having "normal thoughts."

I look forward to next week and the next steps.

I'm exhausted but hold true to my daily (365 days of blogging). So far I've been pretty good! Only missed one day. I have nothing really to report. I can't wait till we really get cracking.

6th day on BCP's.

A New Day...

Today is a new day and I am feeling better today...

I am getting just a little taste of the infamous "waiting" everyone talks about. There is a lot I don't know. I don't know what to expect.

Here's what I do know...

I will be contacted by the IVF nurse to schedule my cycle.
By day 10, I will be scheduled for a trial of transfer.
By day 20, I will begin Lupron shots.

A couple of hurdles to this happening:

1. Closing on our Home Equity Loan: This is how we will be able to pay for our cycles.
2. My cysts being gone. I currently have 3 due to side effects with Clomid. Apparently there is only about 5% of getting cysts on Clomid. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones (sigh).
3. Getting approved for the multi-cycle portion of the Attain program.

So if all things fall into place, we will really be on our way. I hope we will be. Please pray that all of these things work out. Thanks to all you who are taking time out of your days to read about my experience.

Some days are good...

Some days are not so good...

Today I am feeling upset and sorry for myself. I think its partially the hormones in the BCP's and partially our shitty circumstance.

Today is a day I reflect on how different our lives were 2 years ago.
Today is a day I wonder why it had to be us.
Today is a day I contemplate what it would be like to get pregnant naturally.
Today I resent having to go through infertility treatment.
Today I can't stand another story of a child being abused or abandoned or unloved.
Today I believe this world can be unfair.
Today I'm hurt.

I want so much to be on the other side of this nightmare. Sometimes I fear that we'll never get a chance to be parents at least of our own biological children. Sometimes on a day like today, I fear that I'll never be pregnant...That I'll never be able to carry our child in my womb and feel it kick and move inside me....that I'll never know the joy of hearing our baby's heartbeat...

Like I said some days are good and some days are not.

I'm going to allow myself to wallow if just for a little bit. I will allow myself to be mad and feel the injustice of it all.

Infertility is something no one would wish on anyone. I feel such a kinship and sisterhood with all the beautiful, strong, deserving women who long like I do...who know what it feels like to not take for granted the miracle of bringing life into this world. Today as I feel the way I do, I think of all you. I pray for you and I hope that everything works just as it is meant to for you. Knowing you are out there--your strength and courage gives me hope.

E2 Levels and all things hormonal

So my elevated E2 levels are pointing to the possibility that I have a diminished ovarian reserve. In fun terms this means that I have a lower amount of eggs than I'm supposed to for my age.

How does this change anything? It doesn't. It just sucks. Who wants to hear that there might be something wrong? Nothing changes.

I've got nothing else to say except that this is just another bump in the road.

On a another note, day 2 of BCP's and all is well.

Oh the IRONY!!!

Birth control pills.

What else can I say?

I have been trying to avoid all obstacles to getting pregnant and I have just finished swallowing what I once considered to be a little miracle pill.

The fact that BCP's are the first step in creating life is beyond me. I am happy, hopeful, and excited to finally have a real chance at this. I want to stay this way but realistically I know I will have harder days so I will be kind to myself. I will allow myself to have hard days when I'll want to cry or vent.

A part of me feels so ready to dive in! Today is officially the first day of this process. I will be on BCP's for the next 3 weeks. Side effects? Not sure.

Today is day 1 of putting a foreign thing in my body. There will be many more days like these to come.

A Variation on the 365 Days Project

I have never been so happy to get my period in my life. For the last year and a half getting a visit from the red biotch was another devastating blow to the heart. This time it marked a new beginning.

We have officially begun IVF--at least the baby steps. Tomorrow I will go in for a sonogram and will get BCPs (a little more on that tomorrow). I will begin Lupron in a couple of weeks.

If you would've told me that the prospect of getting injected by a needle daily would be the highlight of my day...I would've told you, you have the wrong junkie but its true! I want to start this process yesterday. In true fashion, I am impatient.

In order to chronicle the journey into the major leagues that is IVF, I have decided to do a variation of 365 days project. I will blog everyday for the next 7 weeks in order to share exactly what this IVF experience is like.

Many might think...what are you crazy? Answer is simple, no.
Some might suggest...sounds ambitious but how will you find time? Answer is I'm not that busy, although that is a good excuse not to do this. I may cash in on this somedays.
Others might assume that I'm doing this mainly for myself. Answer is this is only 10% true. I would like to be able to look back at what it took to be able to hold and love our children.

But what many don't know (except for my husband who loves me anyway)is that I scour and riffle through blog after blog of IVF journeys. I want to know what its like...particularly when there is a happy ending. Perhaps my story can provide the same for others; information, inspiration, hope, understanding, faith, and laughter.

Here goes....Here's to unwavering hope, God, faith, and the miracle of science.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my journey.

IVF Consult--we are down on a list...

Tonight was pretty emotional...as I write this I have tears in my eyes.

We went to our IVF consult and met w/ one of the doctors who will be part of this journey...One of 4 Dr. Hope(s). It is official (well not until I write the $$$$$ check)

How is it that I can feel soooo incredibly excited, incredibly terrified, and sooooo incredibly anxious all at the same time?

I have so much hope that we will conceive our baby (babies) this summer.

I want to believe with every fiber of my being that this will be the road of success for us...after so many dead ends.

(side note) My heart was breaking tonight for 2 women who were seen before my husband and I...they were both crying, separately unbeknownst to each other. My heart was breaking for them b/c all I could think of is the pain they are going through...the all familiar heartbreak and mourning of how you always imagined your reproductive story would be....

The human spirit is so amazing, though cause we adjust and adapt and survive.

I said a couple of prayers for them....what I wanted to do was hold their hand and cry with them but for some reason there is this unspoken rule about being quiet and somber in the clinic. There are suttle smiles and avoidance of giving eye contact...you look anywhere else.

The Dr. said that out of all the patients I have a huge advantage, my age is a factor that definitely helps our cause...I hope w/ all of my heart that this is true.

The injections list and IVF protocol is scary but informative. We have a plan... we have a map to follow. This cycle is my last natural before IVF...which means that at the end of this cycle I begin BCP's and then Lupron injections.

I'm exhausted and am still processing all of the information.