Mother's Day

I am surprisingly hopeful on this day.

I am thankful for the technology available that will help us realize our dreams of starting our family.

I am grateful for our jobs that will allow us to pay for IVF. Still diff. but not impossible.

I feel good this Mother's Day. I hope that next year around this time I'll be a new mommy.

I am optimistic about IVF and hope that our day will soon come!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms and Mommys to be (especially those who have overcome IF).

I'm Expecting 5 cysts...Not quite what I expected...

So during a typical trip to the RE...after the all familiar magic wand was used...Dr. Hope found 5 cysts. This was supposed to be an uneventful, where do we go from here type of meeting.

Dr. Hope does not seem concerned and said they should be gone by next cycle. I hope so cause this was not something we were expecting.

We have an IVF consult on May 18th and I CAN'T WAIT!!! I am so ready.

After we left the RE office all I felt was that we had graduated to the major leagues. We will do whatever it takes.

I just haven't met you yet...

I don't know what it is about this song....it speaks to me. Apparently, as I've read other blogs other IFers feel the same way. I LOVE this song! It makes me feel happy!

Here is the song w/ lyrics

Here she blows...

So yesterday the bitch reared her ugly head. I am not hurting as I have in the past...although I am getting tired of the disappointment.

I am so tired of the ups and downs of this horrible rollercoaster. I have an appointment w/ my RE tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn cause I refuse to take any more days off of work for this right now. Work is my life force...its what's keeping me sane. I can't have another day in my head.

I am so tired of taking pregnancy tests w/ the hope that somehow maybe somehow I'll be one of those urban legends you hear about that get pregnant while preparing for IVF. Of course, this is not the path I'm on.

For whatever reason, beyond my understanding, these are the circumstances we've been presented with. The tough decisions that have to be made...the tears that have to be shed...the mental and emotional adjustments one has to make...the bank account that will be depleted all in hopes for an opportunity to bring a miracle baby into this world.

Will I ever be on the other side of this looking back? I miss who I was before this. I'm changed. We both are. Nothing is going to change that. Infertility is now a part of who we are but will parenthood be as well?

What IF...

This is hard. This list has been silent in my heart and in my head for so long...

What if I never really know how my husband's MFI has affected him or how its changed him?

What if I never get to hold my sleeping baby in my arms?

What if I never get to hold a little hand that trusts me to care of it?

What if I never hear "Mommy"?

What if I never get to right the wrongs of my childhood by imparting all the love I have to give to my child?

What if IF gets the best of us?

What if we never conquer infertility?

What if we are one of those couples who try and try and have many unsuccessful IVF's?

What if after all this waiting we finally are able to get pregnant and I miscarry?

What if I never recover from this heartbreak?

What if I never regain who I was before IF?

What if I never feel "whole"?

What if my husband never gets to hold our child in his arms?

What if we never experience reading -Pregnant- on the pregnancy test?


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What if IVF is it for us?
What if we never took the chance?
What if we lived in a different time and place, would we have been childless?
What if in 3 short months, I will be with child after all the tears and heartache?
What if in 3 short months, I finally cry tears of joy?
What if by this time next year, I will be pregnant or almost due?

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/SPageServer?pagename=evt_niaw09_home&JServSessionIdr004=hxvjo80s02.app246b

Waiting but Doubtful

I am waiting for AF. Currently in the 2ww. This month I didn't feel confident about our timing w/ my ovulation or w/ the IUI...I did have 3 (maybe 5--2 small ones) eggs though, thanks to Clomid. I'm not holding my breath for this one.

It's ok though. I think I've finally accepted that IVF is the path we will be traveling. I just hope that our baby(s) will meet us on the other side. I will be meeting Dr. Hope on May 5th and we'll be discussing where to go from here.

This year and a half has not been easy but I am hopeful that someday soon we may see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just Relax (sing songy voice)

Today I happened to mention to my 37 year old assistant principal (who is currently pregnant after 2 months off of BCP)that my husband and I have been having difficulty getting pregnant and she said...wait for it...

"You just have to relax...just enjoy your time together and relax....also you should buy those (rambling a little b/c bless her heart, Ms. Fertile, she didn't have the lingo down) ovulatory or ovulation sticks." I smiled and said "yeah, we've used them." What I truly wanted to say was I know every name brand and kind there is and have used ALL of them...including the mother of ALL--the $200 beauty ClearBlue Fertility Monitor.

Every person that conceives easily uses this phrase. My hair dresser said "Just have a couple of glasses of wine and have fun." She having said that she counted to her cycle day 14 and she had sex and that was it!"

I hate the assumptions that are made regarding ttc. It so strange that people's first reaction when hearing one is having difficulty is "just relax"---where the fuck did everyone learn to use that as the token phrase?

As if relaxing is something that's never occurred to me. "Wow, your right, Sherlock! I hadn't considered relaxing through this process." As if relaxing is really all that is required to conceive. Fuck relaxin'---I'm off that boat....I'm way over on the other side of relaxing...with the other realists that know that stress can affect many things but conception of a child is not one of them.

Relaxing is not going to make my husbands' sperm penetrate my egg...there is no audio soundtrack of Enya's best hits playing in my womb when I try to meditate and take deep breaths. This is out of my control and the sooner I tell myself that the less feelings I have about it being my fault....the less guilt I have about thinking that I'm doing something wrong.

So fuck relaxing....I'm going to take this as it comes. If I want to cry, then I'll have myself a good long pity party. If I want to be mad at the world and it's injustice, then to hell it with it...I will. But one thing I will not tell myself is "just relax" (sing songy voice).



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Blogging Therapy

I am finding blogging and reading blogs therapeutic...especially when I feel so in need of hope.

There are so many brave and inspiring women who are a source of hope and triumph for me.

Today I had an IUI done. I have about 5 eggs. 4 (some are little) on the left, and 1 nice sized one on the right. My hubby had 4 million this time around, which seems to be his average....this is what happens after the sperm wash...after all the 2headed, tailess, crazies get out the way. sigh...

I think our timing was off this month...I ovulated before the IUI but nonetheless my RE took my bloodwork to verify that I did in fact surge or ovulate.

I am pretty much feeling like we missed our window of opportunity. I can't help feeling let down and disappointed. We have a lot weighing on this IUI b/c its our last one before heading down the path of IVF w/ ICSI.

It's so hard to not have control over so many little and big things. I want to know if we have done all we can.

I'm so hopeful and scared....

I'm so hopeful and scared at the same time. I can't help but feel anticipation for what may be in store for us this summer.

Right now, I feel like I'm buying time until we can move towards having a real shot.

IUI...It happens though, doesn't it. People get pregnant w/ like 1% morph. sometimes? Who's to say that wouldn't be us. A part of me wants to keep the hope alive for this month.

I'm obsessed...
I'm a shadow of who I was before IF...
I've forgotten who I used to be...

Ugh...

Last IUI before we pull out the big guns...

RE confirmed today that we are giving IUI with clomid another try but that if we are not successful we should move towards IVF. He started to describe how my husband's latest SA only indicated how my husband's sperm had an "inability to fertilize my egg."

We can't even consider having IVF until the summer time. Dr. said I would begin in May. He said I would start with Lupron shots and that they would monitor how my body responded. He said it was really a 2 month process before IVF.

I find it very difficult to go through the motions up until July. It's still so surreal. We have so much riding on IVF potentially being our answer that the idea of it not working is absolutely terrifying.

I think about how as difficult as this has been for us...If someone said that I could have it easier but it would be with someone else I would choose to stay with my husband. The truth is, we are so blessed...this just goes to show you can't have it all. I am grateful for all the blessings in our life together. I just want to be able to create a family with the love of my life.