These Words Spoke to My Heart

I discovered this poem over at Laura's blog (Please Let This Be It) a fellow IComLeavWer. Such beautiful words that I'm sure ring true to so many of us.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, or money or
that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

It's definitely beginning to feel real...

Our wallet and bank account is slowly depleting so its definitely feeling real...This is really happening...

This week we reached some goals:

*We were approved for the Attain IVF program where we will be given 4 cycles (2 fresh & 2 frozen) to get the result of a "take home baby."

*We paid an obscene amount of money upfront already which in itself was mixed bag of emotions. We are so grateful that we could pay for IVF, yet I just had a flashback of simpler times in this process. When buying a $200 ovulation predictor seemed a bit excessive...when IUI was option...but i'm glad we are where we are because we are closer today then we ever have been. The realization of this is very exciting.

Patience is important. Today is a good day.

BTW: Music is therapeutic for me so I've decided to add a soundtrack of songs that speak to me during this process. Feel free to skip around or mute my playlist if you so desire. For those of you who don't mind, I hope the words of these songs speak to you as well.

Trial of Transfer

So I've decided not to blog daily until things really get cooking. I have been put on BCP for a couple more weeks therefore things are going slllllooooowww.

I had my trial of transfer today. Everything went great and the nurse (and everyone else I've asked) was right. It felt just like an IUI. Slight cramping but other than that, all is good. The trial of transfer or as the nurse referred to it as "when the kids come home," was a breeze hopefully more things will go like this.

One more thing to check off the list.

Oh, the patience one must have every step of this process. My nurse was cute...she said its only preparation for the patience one needs for children. I told her that I have an idea of the patience required being that I hang out with 7 to 8 year olds all day.

And on that note...must get back to report cards!

Beauty for Ashes

My relationship with my husband is always evolving. We have been together for 10 years and I am so thankful for our love. We have had a pretty picture perfect relationship. I am married to my favorite person in the world.

Nonetheless,over the last couple of months, we have been arguing and having these explosive fights...it's been exhausting. All of my insecurities, fears, and doubts about my marriage and relationship have surfaced. At times we've both questioned whether we should be trying to have a baby b/c of our constant arguing. I am married to the most patient person in the world. No one is perfect but Lord knows its not always easy to love me.

For some unknown reason I feel like I'm being made to confront all of my baggage. I can't help but feel as though God is working on me. I'm being molded and shaped...I'm preparing myself and our relationship for this very important next step in our journey together.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me...(He will) bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release them from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61

I believe in God's promise. I'm just riding this wave right now but I know that God is here. I'm not mad anymore. I've accepted this as our path. I'm ready to open my arms again to faith. I am believing that he'll give my husband and I beauty for ashes.

Polished Teeth and A Jab at the Heart

Everything that requires long term planning is linked to my desire to achieve a healthy pregnancy.

Case in point: I had a routine dentist visit, when my dentist mentioned I'll be back in December for my 6 month cleaning. All at once her voice became a faded sound (like the waugh waugh waugh from Charlie Brown). All I could think of is "I wonder if I'll be pregnant by then?" and "Imagine I come back w/ a big ole' belly??" I'd be over the moon happy.

She shook me from that little daydream when she asked me a perfectly innocent question as she went to give me my x-rays "You are not pregnant, right?" At that moment I felt a jab at my heart and a lump in my throat.

You ladies know the kind I'm speaking of. These moments I liken to when I was told to "just relax and it'll happen" or "Guess who's pregnant?" or "It just happened. We weren't even planning it!" and so many other moments like these. I'm sure we all have a collection of these stories.

Anyway, I answered pretty abruptly, "No." I guess it came out a little defensive but she then said "Oh just checking cause you know we can't do the x-rays if you were. Great! You're not pregnant. Let's go on to the x-rays." Great!

Sigh...when will these little moments not get to me. Nonetheless, I walked out with polished teeth and a jab at the heart!

Miss Info...

Right now I'm ravenous for information....I've been holding on to the little I can control and staying on top of any appts. that need to be made. My husband and I are figuring out finances being as the big payment will be needed in a couple of weeks.

So as it turns out I was supposed to start Lupron next week. Because of my work I can't come in every other day for bloodwork just yet. I'm an elementary school teacher and am bogged down by progress reports, reading record cards, permanent record cards, and report cards. Needless to say June is a very busy month; tying all loose ends. Therefore, I will be continuing my BCP's until the 29th. I will be going in next Tuesday for my trial of transfer.

Lupron begins June 22. I cannot begin to explain how freakin' excited I am to get this party started. By party, I mean getting shot up w/ hormones, obviously : )

I tell you, it is the oddest things that rock my boat recently. The highlight of my day today was going through my tentative schedule for IVF. Woohoo! There's a mapped out plan. Just the way I like it!

Today is Day 8 on BCP's. Keep keepin' on!

My mind is on other things! Hallelujah!

Today was nice...

I thought of other things today...hallelujah.

A couple of times I caught myself actually having "normal thoughts."

I look forward to next week and the next steps.

I'm exhausted but hold true to my daily (365 days of blogging). So far I've been pretty good! Only missed one day. I have nothing really to report. I can't wait till we really get cracking.

6th day on BCP's.

A New Day...

Today is a new day and I am feeling better today...

I am getting just a little taste of the infamous "waiting" everyone talks about. There is a lot I don't know. I don't know what to expect.

Here's what I do know...

I will be contacted by the IVF nurse to schedule my cycle.
By day 10, I will be scheduled for a trial of transfer.
By day 20, I will begin Lupron shots.

A couple of hurdles to this happening:

1. Closing on our Home Equity Loan: This is how we will be able to pay for our cycles.
2. My cysts being gone. I currently have 3 due to side effects with Clomid. Apparently there is only about 5% of getting cysts on Clomid. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones (sigh).
3. Getting approved for the multi-cycle portion of the Attain program.

So if all things fall into place, we will really be on our way. I hope we will be. Please pray that all of these things work out. Thanks to all you who are taking time out of your days to read about my experience.

Some days are good...

Some days are not so good...

Today I am feeling upset and sorry for myself. I think its partially the hormones in the BCP's and partially our shitty circumstance.

Today is a day I reflect on how different our lives were 2 years ago.
Today is a day I wonder why it had to be us.
Today is a day I contemplate what it would be like to get pregnant naturally.
Today I resent having to go through infertility treatment.
Today I can't stand another story of a child being abused or abandoned or unloved.
Today I believe this world can be unfair.
Today I'm hurt.

I want so much to be on the other side of this nightmare. Sometimes I fear that we'll never get a chance to be parents at least of our own biological children. Sometimes on a day like today, I fear that I'll never be pregnant...That I'll never be able to carry our child in my womb and feel it kick and move inside me....that I'll never know the joy of hearing our baby's heartbeat...

Like I said some days are good and some days are not.

I'm going to allow myself to wallow if just for a little bit. I will allow myself to be mad and feel the injustice of it all.

Infertility is something no one would wish on anyone. I feel such a kinship and sisterhood with all the beautiful, strong, deserving women who long like I do...who know what it feels like to not take for granted the miracle of bringing life into this world. Today as I feel the way I do, I think of all you. I pray for you and I hope that everything works just as it is meant to for you. Knowing you are out there--your strength and courage gives me hope.

E2 Levels and all things hormonal

So my elevated E2 levels are pointing to the possibility that I have a diminished ovarian reserve. In fun terms this means that I have a lower amount of eggs than I'm supposed to for my age.

How does this change anything? It doesn't. It just sucks. Who wants to hear that there might be something wrong? Nothing changes.

I've got nothing else to say except that this is just another bump in the road.

On a another note, day 2 of BCP's and all is well.