Why are you not pregnant?

Why are you not pregnant? Ahh yes...a question we've asked ourselves many heartbreaking times.

Today I went in to my clinic for bloodwork and for a sonohystogram. A couple of days ago I officially got the ok to start on BCP for our IVF cycle.

I went in to get the sonohystogram done which I was very nervous about because the last time I got an HSG done it was incredibly painful. I thought today would be much of the same but it turned out to be ok. Only hurt a little because of the cramping.

Sonohystogram (check) BCP (check) No cysts = green light (check)

I then went in for my bloodwork. The other day I got a call from one of the IVF nurses and she said "Hi, just wanted you to fast on the morning of your appointment because Dr. Hope noticed your prolactin levels were on the high side." I was like, "my what?" She repeated "prolactin levels" and I said, "what is that?" and she repeated "prolactin" as if I'm supposed to know what on earth she is talking about. When I asked her again, "yes what is prolactin (apparently I needed to be very clear)? She said it's just one of the hormones we test. I got off the phone thinking...great my prolactin levels are high. It's just funny what this infertility process is like.

I went from having non-eventful doctor appts. my whole life to finding out something new about my body in every visit...usually they haven't been great news. So far the only positives I have are that I'm young and so are my eggs. But for some unknown reason I don't have many and my hormones are out of whack. WTF?

Anyway, as I was getting my bloodwork done in walks my first Dr. Hope (the Chief of the clinic who we started this journey with by doing IUI's.) When our 3 months of trying IUI proved unsuccessful he assured my husband and I that we will be pregnant by this summer. His confidence was contagious and I remember telling him "I hope so" and he looked me in the eyes and said "oh, you will." Then reiterated all of the positive factors we have on our side, namely my age.

So today my original Dr.Hope said "How are you?" I answered that I was ok. He said "what are you in for?" I saw his face perhaps thinking that today was BETA day. Oh my friend how mistaken you are... I said, "I'm in today to start up my second IVF cycle. I said the first one didn't work." He asked me the question that has been hanging over my husband and I for the past month... "Why are you not pregnant?" he said in what one might interpret as a demanding tone...as if I had willed my body to not let implantation happen. I said, "I don't know why. We had an embryo that had a grade of AA and one with AB. They were excellent quality they just didn't stick."

The nurse then agreed "you should've gotten pregnant." In the back of my mind I was thinking-- uhh yeah that was the general idea. As Dr. Hope walked away I said, "I hope we have better luck with our second cycle," I smiled. He nodded his head and went in to see another patient. I can't help feeling like I was being scolded for something.

Our clinic and its doctors have been mostly encouraging about our chances. I've been cautiously optimistic but I am not a typical 27 year old apparently. It is what it is.

On the flip side, my husband and I have a resolve that gives me peace and that it is very simply...we will keep trying...whatever it takes. It's that simple. It's that important to us. We have resolve, acceptance, and hope.

Someday it will all be worth it.